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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Ask for Help .. Need to Tell 4 1/2 Year Old Our Dog has Died

20 replies

ShakeyCakey · 15/01/2015 06:08

It's the saddest day ever in our house.

Our 7 year old dog had a funny turn last night after 4 year old DS had gone to bed.

We took him to the vet this morning, he managed to walk in so DS wasn't aware there was anything too serious going on. We have been to the vet a few times recently for routine things for both our dogs so DS was more interested in chatting with the receptionist.

To cut a long story short, my DH arrived (he'd had to pop into work first) and took DS out while I stayed with our beloved dog while he was put to sleep.

We are devastated. Our chatty little lad just said, oh, is he staying at the vets tonight then and then happily walked back to the car. We are holding our emotions in check until DS is in bed - taking it in turns to disappear off to hug our other dog in the kitchen.

Tomorrow morning we need to explain that our dog has died. It's the first time he will have experienced anyone (human or animal) dying.

Any tips on making it as easy as possible for him to understand - I don't know where to begin (other than to avoid any mention of going to sleep) - I'm thinking of starting with the fact that he was very poorly ....

Any suggestions or experience gratefully received.

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treaclesoda · 15/01/2015 06:28

Sorry about your dog.

Our dog died when DD was little and we just approached it very factually. We told her the dog was sick and that sometimes the vet just isn't able to make dogs better and that sadly the dog had died and that meant she wouldn't be coming home. DD was sad, but she accepted it all ok.

treaclesoda · 15/01/2015 06:29

and yes, I agree about not comparing death to going to sleep, I think that's a very scary concept for a child, not reassuring at all.

goshhhhhh · 15/01/2015 06:32

I agree - be very factual. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dog.

confusedandemployed · 15/01/2015 06:33

I'm so sorry about your lovely dog.
I haven't done this yet and dread the day, but my sis did it with my nephew last summer. He was nearly 6 so a bit older. She said the dog was very poorly and had gone to heaven. He asked lots of questions which my sis answered as honestly as possible and he was a little bit sad, but he got over it amazingly quickly. He was remarkably pragmatic about it.
Sometimes we are so devastated ourselves that we project our grief on to our kids who, usually are much more adaptable than we are. I hope your DS is one of those children

GinFace · 15/01/2015 06:35

I'm so sorry.

Totally agree with the factual approach. I also think it helps to explain what a lovely life you gave your dog, and how loved he was. When my pets have died in the past I always find that comforting.

3littlebadgers · 15/01/2015 06:56

Sorry about your dog from my experience going down the factual route is the best. "He was too poorly and died." Is proberbly enough. You don't want to make it too long winded or it will be too much to take in at 4. You might be surprised that he doesn't take it is badly as expected. He may be sad but will bounce back a lot more quickly at this age thank goodness.

Aubrianna · 15/01/2015 07:05

Our cat went missing a few years ago and obviously after a while it was clear he wasn't coming back. Our ds was 5 at the time and loved the cat while he was missing he was upset and used to look for him when we were out.

We were dreading telling him that since it had been a while it was likely that the cat wasn't coming back. We came up with a lovely story about him finding a new family but when we told him he simply said "but he's probably dead". And that was it he literally didn't mention the cat ever again.

I think children of this age often really surprise us with their strength and realism over death .

attheendoftheday · 15/01/2015 07:41

My dds are a bit younger, but the approach I've taken when pets have died is to say something like "I have some sad news about our dog. She was sick, and the vet tried to make her better but couldn't, and she died. That means her body has stopped working and we won't see her anymore. It is very sad for us, but it's happy for the dog because she isn't in pain anymore."

bugblatter · 15/01/2015 07:52

When our cat was run over, my 2 DC (aged 3 and 5) took the news very stoically. They were more unsettled by the fact that I was so upset.

Greywackejones · 15/01/2015 07:58

I agree. Stick closely to facts. My dd is 4. Mils cat died before Xmas. We said sometimes vets cannot make animals well. It's very sad. She understood we were all sad, it was a complete shock, and handled it very well.

Trust your child.

cozietoesie · 15/01/2015 08:14

Maybe have a read of this. I haven't had to use it but other posters on the Litter Tray have and have found it to be very useful. The support service is also supposed to be very good.

I'm so sorry for the family's loss.

notagainffffffffs · 15/01/2015 08:22

Not sure if you are religious but I always zfound with younger siblings that the heaven thing was comforting if they were upset- dog was poorly and could get better so has died, which is very sad for us but doggy will be in heaven eating steak for tea every day and playing with lots of friends etc

notagainffffffffs · 15/01/2015 08:23

Couldnt sorry *
Sorry about your pooch :(

thegreylady · 15/01/2015 09:14

Have you a copy of Goodbye Mog? It is about a cat but the concepts are the same and it is a reassuring look at the death of a pet.

Original poster

ShakeyCakey · 15/01/2015 09:19

Thank you all. I'm dreading telling him but I'm much clearer about what words to use - and the link to the pamphlet is very useful too.

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AcquiredTaste · 15/01/2015 09:41

Sorry about your loss. I agree factual is the way to speak about it. I also remember hearing that you shouldn't minimize their feelings - say dont be upset. That you should recognize that they are sad at the death and its ok to be sad. Tell them that dog is not in pain anymore/in heaven now.

Original poster

ShakeyCakey · 15/01/2015 21:20

Thank you all again - I told him a couple of hours ago after breakfast.

I said that our dog had been very poorly and the vet had tried his best but couldn't make him well, and our dog's body doesn't work any more so he had had died. (shortened version)

DS cried for a minute or two but them immediately switched his concern to our other dog - worried that she doesn't have a playmate any more and that she is feeling sad and lonely.

So he gave her the dogs' Christmas toys and some biscuits and we've talked about how we can make a special fuss of her in case she is sad!

Feeling proud of his compassion for our other dog and how she might be feeling.

Just need to fix my broken heart now!

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Patsyandeddie · 15/01/2015 22:00

Please be honest, children are very practical and more aware than you realise. My niece and nephew have grown up with animals all their life and have never been lied to. If you tell them an animal has just 'gone to sleep' that will cause far more nightmares than the truth.

l12ngo · 16/01/2015 00:34

I remember our first dog dying and it was very sad for me but on reflection probably more so for the rest of our family as I was only around 6 and they'd known the dog a lot longer. My mum was honest with me and gave me a photo of him and me playing together to put into my scrapbook which I did and loved, but even at the time I knew they were feeling worse than me - I even felt a bit guilty that I wasn't sad enough. At 4 1/2 I think your child will probably process it pretty well. They will feel sad but will probably feel worse from your own projected sadness (which is completely understandable when you lose a pet you consider part of the family).

Our second dog (who was with us from about 7-16) was a different kettle of fish as that dog was a best friend through all my childhood and I was completely devastated when he died. At 4 1/2 I'm not sure you how you can build up such a depth of memories though so hopefully you can work through it OK. I'm sure you're heartbroken though so my condolences there.

Original poster

ShakeyCakey · 16/01/2015 06:20

Thank you for sharing your experience l12ngo - you are spot on - he has asked a few questions throughout the day, so I know he's processing it - he asked if the vet was keeping him in a cage (he has seen 'behind the scenes' at the vet). I've answered factually and he seems to have understood.

Without prompting he drew a picture of our dog in case our other dog is missing him - it's so she can remember her friend! It's a big deal as he only usually draws treasure maps and 'machines' - he hasn't drawn a person or animal before (it's very good too!)!

Thanks again.

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