To be cross about DH's attitude to me working?

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I have recently started working again after being a SAHM for several years.

I usually work school hours for 4 days per week.

DH cannot seem to get used to this and seems to think that a) he shouldn't have to do any of the chores and that things should run as they did before in the home and b) that I can just miss work for the day if he wants me to wait in for something to be delivered or if anything else just crops up.

He is currently in a bad mood as I am working 5 days this week. Today is usually my day off but I was asked to work. After I had agreed this with work DH sprung it upon me that he'd ordered a new PC that was arriving today and that I'd need to wait in. I said I couldn't as I'm working and he was quite put out about it. Of course, the courier tried to deliver it when I was at work, and I missed the delivery, and now DH is even more moody and has been trying to tell me that I will have to phone in sick to work tomorrow to wait in for it. I have said that I won't.

He used to get annoyed with me when I was a SAHM saying I was lazy, so he should be happy that I'm working now, but instead he seems irritated whenever my job has priority.

I hope you are not doing his chores for him?

He sounds lazy, moody, selfish and entitled. Why are you with him?

Why are you with him and why are you putting up with this? This is controlling behaviour. You're his wife and equal not his fucking slave.

Good for you for going back to work, now tell him to buck up or fuck off.

YANBU.

He should respect you and your work.

He should get the pc delivered to his work or ask if you will be around next week on your day off when it could be delivered.

Sounds like a healthy chat about this would help you both clear the air.

Can I ask, was he happy for you to go back to work? Sounds like he gave you the impression he would be but now isn't as he has realised how much you did/do and how you are not now around to assist with things he needs doing when you are at work. In a partnership you should both be working together, sounds like he had fixed ideas about what you did or do and what he does and those need to change. If you were working before you became a SAHM then who did what then, housework and chores-wise? I'd say try and get together for a chat about this at a time when you can talk and work out a better way of making this work together.

You have every right to a job if that is what you want/need. In our family I need to work, part-time, and DH is very supportive at home, in fact he really does a lot around the house and works very hard. I cannot complain at all. But I still notice when it comes to finding childcare he still kind of looks on it as my responsibility! So I still need to remind him that if our children need looking after when we are both at work then we both need to work out what could work!

Sorry! Overuse of the word work!

Of course yanbu. I suggest you start a new thread in relationships or get this moved there.

Deliveries are difficult when you both work and he needs to sort this. These are the things we have done:

1. deliver to work
2. click and collect, and collect from store at a weekend or after work
3. Get delivered to a local shop under whatever that scheme is called
4. Arrange for delivery at a weekend
5. Arrange for neighbour to take it in
6. take day/half day off (this is last resort - person who takes day off is generally the person that the item is for or if shared we would take it in turns)

Other difficulties include days off when the children are ill. Again we would take turns but if it was difficult for someone to do a particular day the other person would do that day. I have to say though that my experience is that a lot of my female colleagues would never think to ask their DP to take time off for this purpose (and a lot of my male colleagues have never taken time off for this) meaning that the employer of the woman bears the of the brunt which is not great.
My DH and I used to work at the same company (but different roles). my role was more senior and I think my company from a business viewpoint could have preferred my DH to take off all the time for sick children, but I felt the right message was to alternate where we could (but he did end up doing a bit more as I had more meetings that were harder to move).

You need to sit down and go through everything, including deliveries, sick children, school events, housework etc. I would give him the benefit of the doubt at this stage as he might just be adjusting but I would get quite cross quite quickly if when you go through it he does not accept that you cannot be expected to do as much as you did when a SAHM.

Whatever you do, do not give up your job. Because your husband is a gaslighting prick.

His delivery, his problem. I would in no way get involved.

No more chores for him. He pulls his weight or he can go to fuck.

I would pull him up on his behaviour every single time, bullying, mean-spirited and disrespectful.

'I would give him the benefit of the doubt at this stage as he might just be adjusting '

Why? He niggled her when she was a SAHM for being lazy. This person doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt, he sure as fuck doesn't give it to her.

Another controlling prick of a husband. I keep reading about these knobheads on MN and have to wonder how the hell did they all end up bagging a wife with such twattish attitudes? Surely twattish attitudes like this and financial abuse and likewise cannot just appear totally out the blue the day after you get married?

Summon your ovaries of steel and tell him to grow up and stop sulking like a teenager.

Bad grammar! Obviously it's not the wife with twattish behaviour.
Expat, I think you are a true Scot now with your 'get to fuck' comment. DH is a weegie and uses this when he's pissed.

I have also recently gone back to work after years as a SAHM. I wanted to do something useful, we needed the money really, and my husband really felt the pressure of being the only breadwinner.

He has still taken time to get used to the idea that I am no longer at home able to run errands and get through all of the jobs around the house though. It isn't petulance on his part though, he just goes on autopilot and trots out a request without thinking. He doesn't sulk or strop though when I answer "no, not necessarily as I'm working then", or "sorry, it will have to wait because I won't be here". He is learning slowly though. I actually saw him vacuuming the stairs and landing last Sunday because I hadn't got around to them. There is hope for him yet.

You need a frank discussion to explain in words of one syllable to him why you are no longer available for his deliveries etc. at the drop of a hat.

Is it possible that he could contact the delivery company (if he knows who it will be) or go onto their website to leave instructions for what to do if nobody is in? If not then he will have to take time off as it may well be the only way he learns.

A friend of mine had worked in a good job for years. Her DH has a very big, stressful job.
She took a few years out as SAHM. There were rows over her spending and so she though feck it and got a job.
Her DH hates it, because now he has had to start getting dinners, school run, shopping etc as well as her. Boy, does he wish she was a SAHM again.
She however has had two quick promotions and is loving it.
Ignore him. YANBU.

That's the thing - these arseholes want all the benefits of having a little woman at home picking up after them, but that's not enough for them.

They also need to lord it over them and make sure they know how powerless they are and that giving up work has out the man in charge, where he belongs.

They want it every way - moaning about their burden and also being waited on hand and foot (and knob, let's face it) by an uncomplaining, compliant, wifey.

It's all about status.

He has just got used to you always being there. But things have changed and he'll have to get unused to it sharpish.

He sounds a charmer. I hope he has some redeeming qualities, OP, because I'm getting the impression he's a narcissistic twat
YANBU

YANBU.

The SAHM v working mum debate is an old one and I'm not getting into it.

However, what I will say is that people often talk of domestic violence (or just unhappy marriages/relationships) and how women are vulnerable and can't get away because they don't have money. It is very easy to say that women should stay at home to look after the kids and do the housework so the menfolk can work.

BUT I think it is really important that women work if they have the opportunity and the childcare. You need your own money and possible escape route. Even if you are in a happy marriage, your partner could die/lose his job/get ill/run off with someone else and then what do you do? if you can work, work. It gives you financial independence.

The other thing is learning to drive and having a car. My father was controlling and he actually said to someone that he'd lose "control" of his wife once she'd learnt to drive!

'he won with 'if you don't quit we won't have another baby' she quit sad '

Why would you want another child with a cockwomble like this?

OT but am now laughing like a fool at "cockwomble".

Does your DH not think that he should phone in sick? And if not, why not?

You really shouldn't phone in sick if you aren't actually ill, so please don't relent and do this.

My DH was exactly like this.

We're divorced now.

I would have been rethinking the relationship with my DH if he ever told me I was lazy while being at hone raising his children.

You need to have a serious think about how your husband thinks of you and your role. I bet he does absolutely nothing when at home, even on the weekend??!!

Your DP is an arse who thinks he's better than you.

Another one that treats women as second class citizens.

Sadly I know many women whose husbands seem to expect a 1950s style housewife who still is able to bring home money! They can't have the best of both worlds.