To RAGE about my anxiety (warning long - self pitying rant ahead)

[lemisscared]

Because I have had ENOUGH!!!! Bastard bastard bastard anxiety has stolen my life from me. For the past ten years at leaset my life has been ruled by this fucking thing.

I had a career (albeit it just starting), i made my dad proud (thank God he died before i got like this) and i have two beautiful daughters. A decent DP but its all gone really.

Now I have a job cleaning in the place that i worked 10 years ago as a stop gap before i moved on to better things I can't function sometimes because of my anxiety, ive lost two jobs because of it. My DP cannot cope with it and i have lost his love and support. We are still together but its for DD.

I am pretty sure my DD is "catching" my anxiety and this is manifesting in obsessive behaviours.

I can't even enjoy my garden because i worry constantly about losing our house and think, oh its not worth planting anything because we'll be gone or i'll worry that i'll die before anything grows. I cried this morning when the daffodils had come through because i was convinced when i planted them last year thtat something would happen.

Its not getting any better - i woke up so anxious yesterday that i was vommiting. I can't do this any more, i'm tired. Ive forgotten how it feels not to be anxious and wonder if everyone feels like this.

the unwanted thoughts trigger and trigger in my mind, associated with "voices" and images of my DD crying - i have this utter fear of being separated from my DD2. DD1 is 24 and has left home. It comes over me in waves and i want to scream and scream. It wont stop, it plays on a loop in my head over and over. I just want some peace.

I was given new medication yesterday by my doctor but she doesn't have a magic wand, they are making me feel sick already and ive only taken one.

I should let my DP go and be happy with someone else but DD adores him and for some reason me so i can't break up her family. I just feel so alone..

I don't expect any replies, i just needed to write it down, to acknowledge that my life has been stolen and try to come to terms with it.

Hello Lem. I am sorry you are experiencing this. Anxiety is a terrible thing. I have experienced it but in acute bursts rather than in an on-going "chronic" scenario which it sounds like you might be dealing with.

I know you don't want any answers but I didn't want to read and run. I hope your new meds settle down and help. Have you had CBT or therapy to look at where the anxiety is stemming from ie any early experiences or even experiences later in life that have messed with your cortisol settings.

I will be thinking of you today and hoping you find a few moments of peace within the clamour of anxious thoughts.

I have no direct experience but I'm certain your life does not have to be like this. What have you tried in terms of therapy, medication etc.?

Anxiety is very common and many, many people beat it successfully. There's no reason why you can't be one of them.

I too suffer from anxiety - and I found that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy was very useful in helping me manage it. If you can't get therapy easily (I know there are big waiting lists in some areas), there are books available - I have Cognitive Behavioural Therapy For Dummies, and the workbook that goes with it. It mightn't be a complete solution, but it might help.

I was given new medication yesterday by my doctor but she doesn't have a magic wand, they are making me feel sick already and ive only taken one.

That's kind of the right thing for the doctor to say, medication doesn't make everything better straight away, just knocks some of the edges off and hopefully makes things easier for you to sort out.

Worse it doesn't even do that straight away.

You may feel sick at first, but then get used to it.
If you don't stop feeling sick and that particular medicine doesn't work for you then talk to your doctor, tell them that the medicine isn't helping.
they may change dosages or change medications completely.

(my lovely wife has gone through quite a lot of medicines and doses in the process of finding the correct medicine and dose for her, it doesn't mean that she has an easy life because her problems can disappear with a bit of medicine in the mornings. but it does mean that her moods don't go so low, and her anxiety doesn't get so big. -even then we can't have any kind of conversation about many serious subjects [like paying off debts, or anything to do with the future] because it stresses her out, can't talk about anything relating to mortality. -but she's still my lovely wife and I wouldn't change her. what I'm saying is don't just assume that your husband has given up on you and only stays for DD!)

I also suffer with anxiety...it is the absolute worst, you have my sympathy. For a long time I never even realised I had it, I have had it for so long I just assumed that everyone lived with a constant dread in the pit of their stomach, I thought it was completely normal to worry, panic and obbsess about things constantly. CBT also really has helped me as does exercise...no other real advice I'm afraid but you are not alone

notaunique name, your post just made me cry (in a good way) your wife is lucky to have you. I totally understand not being able to talk about finances as that is a huge trigger for me, and the future? whats that??

Ive tried CBT, i couldn't engage with it, had counselling, lots of it :(

I want to get a job (a proper job) but i get confused loading the dishwasher sometimes - then the next day i can take the dishwasher to bits to fix the pump

hello lem. I think it is brilliant you have started to help yourself out of this pit. By approaching your doctor and starting meds and also posting on MN you are no longer on your own, you have other people helping you out of this despair. I got to the point where I wanted to leave university, couldn't even sit in the same room with anyone (my own parents) because of my anxiety. I took my meds and looked into some relaxation techniques and I felt nearly completely better after about a year.

Keep on with your gardening, talk to your family and DH about what is happening to you and the steps you have already taken to help yourself, and if the meds after a month aren't helping then there are others you can try.

Best of luck to you.

I'm sorry that you're going through this Lemisscared.

I've suffered with anxiety, panic disorder and emetophobia and I get how much it can turn your life upside down. I don't think it's possible to understand how bad it can be unless you've experienced it. It fucking sucks.

I know this probably doesn't help you right now, but honestly there is light at the end of the tunnel. I didn't eat or sleep. I couldn't leave the house. I couldn't work. But I am ok. My periods of anxiety are few and far between now and I can work and do the normal things that I couldn't even bear to think about when I was ill. You can get better. It's a matter of finding what works for you and everyone is different so what works for one person may not work for another.

For me it was counselling and exposure therapy but I have heard lots of positives about CBT.

Oh, and you are not alone. So many people experience this. Please don't beat yourself up either, it's not your fault. You didn't ask for this

OP give your tablets a chance to work don't give up on them because at the moment your body is adjusting to them.

Why do you think cbt and counselling has never worked for you?

Sorry x post! I see that CBT wasn't helpful

Thinking about the future,
Really an aversion to the idea of getting old. she can't consider being old and happy because i'm so difficult to live with old means close to death in her mind.
Yes, it does sounds crazy and nuts, she tells me it sounds crazy and nuts herself.

I can't really offer advice as to what medications or therapies to try as I'm not a professional.
The only thing that I think you should do is continue to work with your doctors and if your doctor seems unable or unwilling to try everything to help then ask for a referral to a mental health team -who have more training to be able to deal with things.

Try not to let it get to the stage where you wake up crying. the further you slip into that particular hole, the harder it is to climb out.

If you are happy with people knowing then maybe say something to a few people, the support that they give you can be invaluable.
(even if it's a friend on the other side of the world, just the odd email of facebook message from someone to let you know that they are thinking of you, and hoping that you are doing OK can be a really uplifting thing)

I had two different therapists for CBT, the first one was not terribly good and that is why I went to a second, luckily she was excellent. It really does depend on the practitioner sometimes. Do you think that could have been the issue for you or was it something else?

Alors, i think that is it really, my therapist whilst very nice was a bit of a push over and didn't force me to engage, which i didn't. I subsequently had counselling with a young counsellor who i geled with but it wasn't cbt. Maybe i'll asked to be referred again but the waiting lists,,,,, argghhh, i need this to stop now :(

notaunique name, your wife's ideas about getting old make perfect sense to me, it scares the crap out of me, even though most days i have thoughts of suicide just to end the turmoil in my head, i know i wont act on them because im terrified of leaving my family.

I am quite open about it, some people give me a wide berth but those people aren't worth worrying about, others are understanding and supportive. I wsa supposed to take minutes at a meeting today which was quite funny, my chair just said, do you want me to take notes as your DP told me you were having a "turn" just as well as i was shaking too much to write But i made the meeting and i contributed so thats something.