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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH away too close to due date?

54 replies

ZadokTheBeast · 13/01/2015 20:06

DH came home this evening and announced he's booked to attend a trade fair type thing 70 miles away, for 3 days/nights, finishing 10 days before my due date. We have a 3 year old and I have no family, friends, neighbours or other support nearby. I'm not happy about this. He's suggesting some variations/solutions so he can attend e.g., he'll go in the daytime only (not practical, at least 2 hours away in central London so a. getting there and back will be difficult anyway and b. he wouldn't be able to get back in a hurry. Another suggestion was that I go with him and amuse myself in London (I think he understands why this is not practical or sensible) or that my mother comes down to stay. Now, mum could take care of our 3 year old in an emergency but to me that's not really the point. I don't want my mother here, I want my husband and I just don't think he should be that far away on a non-essential work thing so close to my due date. How would you be about this? AIBU? I can't stress enough, we don't know ANYONE here who could help if anything started while DH was away.

OP posts:
wobblyweebles · 13/01/2015 20:27

If it's very fast then you will give birth at home with your DD there (which you would do if your OH was there too).

If it's not very fast then he has plenty of time to get to you.

Littlef00t · 13/01/2015 20:29

I disagree with the other posters. Yes, 2 hours isn't far - how long is his commute at the moment? But he won't be home in the evening to help with the toddler.

How much has he jumped at the chance of a work funded jolly vs something he's going to look bad doing if he declined.

You need to save favours from parents for when they're really needed.

Littlef00t · 13/01/2015 20:32

Also, once he's there, is he allowed to just drop everything to come home if he hears you're in labour? Won't he be needed at the trade fair?

ShowMeTheWonder · 13/01/2015 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MakeMeWarmThisWinter · 13/01/2015 20:37

Two hours is nothing, sorry. I thought you were going to say he was going abroad (as my DH frequently does) and that would be not on. Two hours is seriously nothing at all. I wish my DH was that close by the majority of the time! And I have a 3yo and no local support and am pregnant too. You'll be fine. But you're pregnant and therefore allowed to be a bit unreasonable and have no sense of proportion Grin

ShowMeTheWonder · 13/01/2015 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ZadokTheBeast · 13/01/2015 20:41

2 hours is probably an underestimate. central London to Bournemouth by public transport. But ok it seems I need to relax a bit. Still don't think he should have chosen to go though (absolutely no expectation on him, he's a director of the company) thanks for the perspectives!

OP posts:
Mammanat222 · 13/01/2015 20:41

Due any day now with second and after a long labour with first I don't expect this one to be quick.

Regardless of that though I am shattered and would struggle with our toddler if my OH wasn't here for a few nights so I understand that part of it. The actual distance wouldn't be an issue for me..... although its much harder to do a 2 hour journey in the middle of the night if you are relying on public transport so that also needs to be factored in.

YonicSleighdriver · 13/01/2015 20:44

Those saying OP IBU - do they have absolutely no one, not even a neighbour, who could take their toddler in labour?

YonicSleighdriver · 13/01/2015 20:46

As it's optional, I actually think he should've skipped it. Chances are you'll be ok though, OP. Might be worth contacting sitters or something to see if you can have a local sitter on standby that day.

Purplepoodle · 13/01/2015 20:46

Worse comes to worse he can jump in a cab - may cost a wack but perfect emergency measure.

WineWineWine · 13/01/2015 20:48

I wouldn't like it so I understand your concern. But 2 hours should be ok. Its unlikely that you will go from the first signs of labour to giving birth in less than 2 hours.

Purplepoodle · 13/01/2015 20:49

I also lined up a childminder to have dc at short notice, even at night. I did a few settling in sessions with childminder and used her after birth to allow me some rest time as DH had to go straight back to work

Viviennemary · 13/01/2015 20:50

He'd be home in plenty of time if it's only two hours away. He can't put his life on hold for weeks. YANBU not to want him to go though. But he should go all the same.

Annbag · 13/01/2015 20:51

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the poster's request.

FightOrFlight · 13/01/2015 20:52

I have no family, friends, neighbours or other support nearby

Do you actually have no neighbours or do you mean you haven't introduced yourself to them yet? How long have you lived there not to have met anyone at toddler group/nursery etc? Could you ask a friend from your old area to come and stay while your husband is away - nice company for you and someone to look after the toddler if you do go into labour.

Trade fairs are pretty essential for some businesses in order to advertise themselves, network and gain business to keep them afloat. As a Director there may well be an expectation that he will be there to represent the company.

Aherdofmims · 13/01/2015 20:54

2 hours away is not all that far. As people have said a fairly normal commute. But on that basis I also can't see why he has to stay overnight.

ShowMeTheWonder · 13/01/2015 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ZadokTheBeast · 13/01/2015 20:55

it's not him being here for me that matters - it's him being here to take care if our 3 year old if I do need to go to hospital. yes it's only 2 hours (or 3 or 4 or however long it takes) but I can't ask labour to wait til he gets back and nor can I take 3 yr old to hospital with me. and I certainly don't want to leave her with an unknown/unfamiliar sitter when DH does not have to be away.

OP posts:
YonicSleighdriver · 13/01/2015 20:58

"He'd be home in plenty of time if it's only two hours away. "

Maybe, maybe not. Some labours are less. And there may well be less than two hours between op's first signs of labour and when she'd like to get to hospital , even if she has more time labouring on the ward.

Bowchickawowow · 13/01/2015 20:59

I just wondered - what is your plan for your 3 year old when you do go into labour?

Original poster
ZadokTheBeast · 13/01/2015 21:02

Fightorflight No, there is genuinely nobody I could leave toddler with. Old 'home' is 500 miles away and all my friends work, besides, being with me at this time is my husband's role, I'd have thought. re the trade fair of course I understand what they're for but no, there is not an expectation that he is there to represent the company - it was his bloody idea!!

OP posts:
FightOrFlight · 13/01/2015 21:06

I'm sure that hospitals have had to deal with this situation before when Mums have had to arrive with a child in tow. Ask your midwife how they would handle things if this were to to happen.

If it really isn't essential for your husband to go then and it's stressing you out then talk to him again and find out why he is insistent on going. It cold just be that ego thing of thinking he's the only one who can do the job properly. Perhaps compromise and suggest he attends the first day with the person who could do the job equally well just to satisfy himself that they aren't going to ruin the business! Of course that doesn't guarantee that you won't go into labour in the 7 or 8 hours he is in London on that particular day but it might be the best option.

Bowchickawowow · 13/01/2015 21:08

So when you are in labour DH will be looking after your 3 year old - not with you at the birth?
If so, I can see why this is stressful - at least if you have a childcare plan in place you can activate that while waiting for your DH.

Original poster
ZadokTheBeast · 13/01/2015 21:09

Fightorflight yup that's sensible. Tx.

OP posts:
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