Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To consider going back on the pill just to eliminate any residual hope?

27 replies

Whowillsaveyoursoul · 13/01/2015 16:21

Have been ttc for two and a half years. Investigations show dh is infertile - we've had multiple rounds of ivf with icsi but nothing.

And yet even though I know it's impossible to get pregnant every single month I hope. This month I was two days late which is unheard of and hope reared its head again, thankfully I didn't waste any money on a pregnancy test.

I'm tempted to start taking the pill again. Not for contraceptive purposes obviously but just to stop the gut wrenching disappointment every month. Even to be sterilised.
It's so hard. No one else I know has had this much trouble, for most people they've got pregnant in the first three months. I'm only 31. I do know three couples who have had ivf but it worked for them on the first it second go. Why is it so hard?

OP posts:

PicaK · 13/01/2015 16:37

It's not fair is it. I'm a little worried about you posting in aibu as you're going to get a lot of responses that completely misunderstand how you feel (telling you not to lose hope etc).
The thing is that the hope is pretty damn hard to quash - even with just a 0.0000000001% chance it pops up and interferes with your life. Going on the pill might not get rid of it.
It sounds mad but a no sex month might just give you the mental relaxation space you need. To reboot emotionally primarily and give you the emotional energy you need to decide about stopping. It's harder to stop than keep going.
My Dr suggested Dh have a vasectomy. We didn't think that was right for us but it might be something for you to consider.
Big hug whatever. It's such a painful time. 2.5 years on from stopping and life gets calmer, easier - scars not so raw and stinging iykwim. It's a slow healing process but you will get there.

PicaK · 13/01/2015 16:41

Plus - I will always remember my counsellor's response when I demanded to know where all the people are it doesn't work for. And she just said v v quietly "oh they're out there". I guess they are often shielding from loved ones how deep the pain goes. (In case you read other threads just to say my 3rd ivf worked and I am so lucky to have ds but subsequent attempts either didn't work or ended in miscarriage.)

WannaBe · 13/01/2015 16:48

When I finally decided that we were no longer going to ttc and that I was past it I insisted on using contraception from then on. Not only because of not wanting to hope even though I knew it was unlikely but also because having come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't get pregnant again I didn't want to be the one in xxxxxx amount of people who resigned myself to not being pregnant and end up pregnant in my mid 40's ten years down the line or similar. we had conceived once after all, and although we'd been told it was unlikely again there was always that minimal chance.

my h did say he would have a vasectomy but I knew that if anything ever happened to me he would want more children, whereas I had come to terms with things.

As it happens we are no longer together and he is now with someone else so it's possible that he will have more.

It can be hard coming to terms with things, can you find something else to focus on achieving? for me it was going back to work etc although I haven't managed that yet either due to circumstances, but that is achieveable it's just a matter of time

Greyhound · 13/01/2015 16:52

I use contraception as, although I can get pregnant, I have a condition that makes miscarry. I have one child.

BingBong36 · 13/01/2015 16:53

My friend's husband was infertile and my friend had fertility issues.

They had 4 rounds of IVF and no success.

She then fell pregnant naturally and then a year later another child conceived naturally.

If you go on the pill there will be no chance in this happening.

Good luck x

PossumPoo · 13/01/2015 17:03

I understand OP and if that is how you truly feel then do it. We are ttc for 16 months with 2 mc. I get very fucking emotional leading up to my period and then when it comes I'm calm again and (so far) crack on with the next month of ttc.

But it's exhausting and like you l say to DH I'm going to put a time limit on this and when we reach it and I'm ready we may stop ttc. It seems to be controlling my life far more than I thought it would.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

evenherfartsarefragrant1 · 13/01/2015 17:42

I can, in part, sympathise. All pregnancies with DH have resulted in MC. We are discussing sterilisation because we are stretched to paperthin over the monthly range of emotions (I'm 40 this year).
Do you get on well with the pill, it might give you a break from the emotions.
Have that time of not thinking 'maybe'.

PicaK · 13/01/2015 17:42

Bingo ... sigh.

Princessgenie · 13/01/2015 18:00

Am so sorry you're feeling his way. It's horrid isn't it? I've just been churning over in my mind how to have the same convo with my DH. We have one child through ICSI (8 attempts over 6 years) and I would love another. But he absolutely can not face the thought of doing all of that again. But I have a small glimmer of hope each month - and it's slowly destroying me. I know it would mean there could never be a lucky miracle - but in reality there is never going to be one anyway and that's just deluding myself.

So. I feel your pain and if that will help you cope then you should do whatever you need to xxx

EustaciaBenson · 13/01/2015 18:56

I get it, I'm 30 and we've just decided not to go for ivf because a combination of issues mean that I have even lower chances of success. Im highly unlikely to get pregnant naturally but my cycle is irregular and 5 years of wondering if I might be pregnant and doing tests has been frustrating. Like you I'm considering going on the pill, the constant niggle of "what if this time" is hard

EustaciaBenson · 13/01/2015 19:08

Bing can you not see that your comment is the point, that months or years of thinking that this time you might be pregnant because someone somewhere had a miracle is just soul destroying. Not everyone gets pregnant thats the sad realitiy and all the stories of someone suddenly getting pregnant despite the odds just make it all the worse when you arent the one beating the odds

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 13/01/2015 19:16

I think it's a daft idea.

Most people I know on the pill don't have periods and I think it will play with your mind even more.

Why not try counselling to come to terms with being childless.

This will take a lot of thinking, but would a sperm Doner be an option.

Littlefish · 13/01/2015 19:18

Whowill. I completely understand. I think a few months of knowing that there is no chance you could be pregnant might be very beneficial. Sadly, I understand the monthly hoping all too well.

If you think it might only be shorter term, would your dh use condoms to avoid you having to go on the pill?

Bing - I know you are trying to be helpful, but it's really not what the OP needs to hear right now.

PicaK · 13/01/2015 19:22

What's a sperm donor?

thesaurusgirl · 13/01/2015 19:40

We all want to believe in miracles, so that's what we like to think they are, but the great majority of those people who have suffered with infertility for years, gone through multiple failed IVFs and then "suddenly" appear to have a natural conception are not telling you something very important: they have used donor sperm or eggs.

Which is still an option, OP. I'm single but thinking about it myself as each month that goes by is proof that my chances are ebbing away and I'm still no closer to my dream of being happily married with children.

There are many people out there who are childless and do not want to be, but who can't or don't want to adopt. I wish neither of us were going through this but you aren't alone my poor love.

WhenMarnieWasThere · 13/01/2015 19:44

My friend and her infertile husband went the sperm donor route. She already had a child by a previous partner and he was desperate to be a dad. He actually cried with relief when she agreed to go ahead. It didn't matter to him that it wasn't his sperm, but it did matter that he was the father through the pregnancy and the birth and beyond.

There are options, but I can't imagine having to think them all through and make such a decision. I know my friend agonised over it before agreeing.

fluffymouse · 13/01/2015 19:57

If this is male factor infertility have you considered the sperm donor route?

TheFantasticMrsFox · 13/01/2015 20:49

I have been in your shoes OP and did indeed use contraception for a while. It seems counter-intuitive when it will definitely stop the one thing you want more than anything else, but it did give us some head space to regroup and reassess.

In our case, we never managed to conceive. We now use no contraception but I know that it will only happen in a miracle type situation. Three years down the line I am as happy as I could be with that, some months it never even crosses my mind now. It took time but we got there in the end :)

YonicSleighdriver · 13/01/2015 20:52

Having periods on the pill is a choice, piper - if you take a break between packets, you bleed; if not, you probably don't.

YonicSleighdriver · 13/01/2015 20:53

OP, YANBU. What about the diaphragm if you don't want hormones on top of everything?

Viviennemary · 13/01/2015 20:54

I don't think you should go on the pill. You are still very young at 31. But you could stop actually trying for say a year. And then reconsider your options as to fertility treatment. That's what I think I'd do.

Outoftheshadows · 13/01/2015 21:19

Hi there
I am going through a similar situation and have had the same thought. It's not just about getting your period; if you've been ttc for a while you will be very aware of signs of ovulation, and there's the added pressure of the run up to the point in your cycle at which you are most likely to conceive. After years of tuning into these signs it's impossible not to notice them. You reach a stage where you just want to do something, anything differently if only so you can regain some control of the situation. Going on the pill for a month or two to start with would take away that stress, and give you a feeling of much needed control while you see how you feel, gather some facts and consider your options (and you do have some, even if you don't feel that they are options at the moment!). The fact that you are young gives you the time to take some time out, even though in a way it's harder emotionally because the prospect of this going on for years without an end in sight can be really soul destroying. Counselling has also helped me.
Good luck!

misssmilla1 · 13/01/2015 21:35

YANBU imo. We're in the same boat, been trying for 18 months and not a sniff of anything and all the tests have come back with no issues. We've tried everything under the sun - OPKs, charting, vitamins, acupuncture, numerous invasive scans, biopsy etc but nothing. Each month is gut wrenching and leads me to becoming a crying depressed nightmare to live with for about 3 days as I come to terms, yet again, that this month we weren't successful.

Me and him indoors are older than you (37 and 49 respectively) so statistically we've less of a chance, but our results were v good, considering age. This for me is the bigger kicker as there's no 'proper' reason. Because of our ages we decided to put a cap on when we stop trying, probably later this year, plus I really don't know how much longer I can go on with the monthly disappointment. I was never particularly emotional before starting ttc but the whole thing is breaking me down, especially surrounded by friends who have kids, many are on their second. On one hand I am so pleased with them, but there's always a small part of me going "it's not fair" (terrible, I know )

Whilst making a decision to stop is good in principle I think it's going to be really hard to do without some pretty major soul searching. We're doing it as I don't want to spend every month thinking 'what if?' and I also don't want to run the small chance of getting pregnant when we've decided against it, so we've talked about DH getting a vasectomy as me and hormonal contraception are a terrible mix.

TTC is a wearing journey (at it's best) and you have to really work to put yourself first at some point and it not become all about trying to get pregnant as it's all consuming. I think what you're suggesting is probably a good approach to giving yourself a couple of months off to recalibrate about what you want to do (if anything)

TamzinGrey · 13/01/2015 21:45

I have no good advice but just wanted you to know that I feel really sorry for you. I know exactly what it's like to see that first spot of blood, which deep down you knew all along would arrive, even though a little voice inside had been telling you that this might just be the month when you've struck lucky. It's so very cruel when the bastard turns up late.

For me a hysterectomy put paid to all of those monthly dashed hopes, but in your position, yes I might have considered the pill.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 13/01/2015 21:55

PicaK a sperm donor is someone ( not the DH/DP ) who is willing to donate their sperm in order for a women to get pregnant.

Gay females who want a child, single or men with zero sperm count are the people who are likely to use donor sperm.

the child will not be biologically the fathers, but I think it takes more than Dna to be a father.

Flip

1 2