to not send my daughter to school

[crazylady12]

In need of some help as am a single mum with no one to talk to my 5 year old loves school she's been going since she was 12 months anyway she's screamed the last 6 mornings they have had to drag her off me all she's saying is she's missing me aibu to stop taking her until the school a dress it as an issue what's forcing her going to achieve

dd2 was like this, peeling her off to hand her over every morning, and at 7 she does it sometimes still.

She doesn't transition well, (but she is fine once there) I have found that taking a small item from home to have in her pocket all day worked wonders. Something like a hanky of Mummies for her to look after (it will smell like mummy too) - it has to be something that can be lost and replaced easily!

She also used to bring a teddy to school, held it till going in time, then waved goodbye to teddy, told teddy to be good for Mummy and told me to look after teddy. I had to bring teddy at pick-up

If she is distressed all day, she may have had a problem with friends etc and is struggling to re-settle. Ask her which bits of the day are the best, and which bits she doesn't like, that may help you get to the bottom of it.

hanky of Mummies

I thought that was a collective noun at first.

Yes, unless she's deregistered, or made flexi school arrangements, then she has to attend.

MrsHathaway

It isn't irrelevant as the OP is asking if she should keep her dd off school.
As the only legal way to do this is to deregister and H.ed then it is quite relevant to suggest this as an option.
It is surprising how many people know very little about H.ed and the law surrounding education.

OP, have you any idea what could be causing her reluctance? could it be a change in demands from the school? I know that any changes are gradual but sometimes they don't always cope with them.

I would speak to the teacher and have a trial run at some strategies to help her overcome this, maybe a month or so working together with the teacher.
Once again, this is only me, but during this time I would expect an improvement and to be almost there in terms of her settling immediately.
failing this I would be looking to change school or H.ed

At school I use a puppet to get children to talk. I ask questions about which part of the day they like best , which the least and why they don't like it. It's amazing what they will tell a puppet ie "I don't like play time because Harry pushes me'.

I had similar with my youngest DD and it was really distressing so I do sympathise but agree just keeping her off school won't resolve the problem unless you do decide to go down the HE route.

My DD was fine for the first term where it was all fun and games, then post-Christmas and when everything started getting a bit more 'real' she became very distressed at drop off. We were lucky that school were very helpful and patient with her - her teacher played a game to see if DD could 'sneak' into the classroom without the teacher seeing her and playacted all surprised when there she was (took DD's mind off the whole saying goodbye thing), the teacher would give her special errands to do straight away ('ooh hello DD, I have this envelope that needs to go straight to the office and you'd be the best person to take it, you can pick someone to take with you' etc), and lots of praise when she managed without too many tears. DD was also allowed to take in her bag a special cuddly toy (had to stay in her bag, but if she was especially sad she was allowed to go and give it a cuddle at break/lunch) and I would 'load up' the toy with cuddles and kisses before school so I was 'there' in a sort of way. All those things helped, but mostly I think it was just time and DD settling back in that did it.

I'd definitely agree first port of call needs to be a proper chat with the teacher about strategies, a good chat with your DD about how you miss her too, and it's OK to miss someone and still to enjoy your day without them. We read a lot of books around that theme and again those helped, and then figure out the things that can help her (walking in with another friend/having a picture of you/having special stickers from her teacher when there's no tears, etc). Good luck!

Home education being legal is not irrelevant at all. The majority of people I have told I am home educating my ds believed that I was acting illegally. It never hurts to inform that home education is a legal option and help raise awareness of this.

OP's DD is of compulsory education age and is registered at school full time. So she does have to go until and unless OP formally withdraws her.

My precise words. OP asked if she should keep DD off school. Until and unless OP formally withdraws her this is unauthorised absence and a really bad plan.

OP, have you spoken to the school yet?

Keep taking her and work with the school. Showing her she can cause a fuss and get her own way will backfire in the future given you don't see a reason for her to be doing it.

Surely she sees that you need to get to work so maybe you can bring that in and pack your bags for the day together etc.

Keep taking her and work with her teacher to come up with strategies to help her settle back again after the holidays. It isn't just the school's problem to sort out and they def can't help to sort it out if she's not there. As stated above she is 5 and enrolled in a school so legally she has to be there now unless you formally withdraw her.

My DS (also just 5) is very hit and miss with leaving me in the morning and I always drop him off. He tells me he misses me and doesn't want to leave me but it's not a choice and his teacher has been really good at winning him round once he's in the classroom.

Lots of kids find it difficult to come back after the Christmas holidays especially in Reception - it's the first long holiday after they started school and they get used to being at home again.

No what I mean is she asked to go to after school club so I sent her 3 days a week for 5 months I don't work so it's an uncessery expense so after christmas when she said she didn't want to go that was fine I picked her up today and the teacher said she had been crying on and off all day.: (

I have spoke to the teacher and they have spoke to her if it carries on I'll ask for a propper chat not just at the school gates nothing at all has changed in her routine I am grateful for all your comments and there s some useful tips I will try I would love to home school it's just not an option unfortunately and like I said she absolutely loves school normally. And has a lovely group of friends who were round at ours on Sunday so know she hasn't fell out with them

OP, at this age, it can sometimes be something that seems very small to us, for example, she doesn't like the toilets because they are cold/smell/scary, and she is worried about that. Or has got the wrong end of the stick about something the teacher says. So it is worth trying to get from her what it is that she likes at school and what she doesn't, and see if you can unpick it a bit.

Maybe she's coming down with something.... Or just has a low level bug. When she says she misses you she might not quite be articulating what is wrong. It could be that she is under the weather, tired etc etc. (Sounds silly but how are her irons levels etc?)

I agree with stepping above regarding transition objects etc.

Something with your smell.
A small cuddly toy
A photo of you both.
Promises of what you will do after school.
Sticker charts / rewards for going in well.
Go in earlier or later to miss the crush.

But above all staying very firm she must go to school.

You can also make sure she knows you will be having really boring days doing boring jobs so you wouldn't be available to chat or play with her.

My DD2 (who is 10) still goes through phases of struggling to part from me in the mornings. We have found the above approach helpful.

Haven't read all the thread but one of the 'transition objects' I gave my DS up until last year (Yr3) was a kiss on each palm which he could 'use' if he felt sad or needed a kiss. I needed something that he wouldn't lose

feetheart - I love that kisses that you can't lose!
Did it stop him washing his hands??

Feetheart that's really sweet

But I was going to ask the same as steppeing re hand washing

OP, I think this is something you have to persist with. My 3 at various times were the same, especially after a holiday.

Never thought about the hand washing! Knowing him he wouldn't have been washing his hands anyway

I had a tiny teddy my mum made for me to keep in my pocket at school - I still remember the comfort I got from just knowing Rusty was there - I still have him, and that's where my MN name comes from.

Also focus on the positives at picking - up time e.g. "What did you like most today/do that was fun today" rather than "Was everything ok/were you crying today" etc. As a primary teacher, I've seen children become increasingly anxious about school/transitions due to being overly questioned about possible negatives, like the parent who told her child every morning that if anyone hit him/was mean to him to tell the teacher, and then questioned him as soon as he came out of school as to whether anyone had hit him/been nasty.

Lots of good advice above, taking something small with them as a comfort can work. Focus on positives, don't show your own anxiety, don't let her hear you talking about it to others, above all keep putting her to school. Teachers are very used to this and most pupils settle fairly quickly. Speak to school about your worries, but try not to get into lengthy discussions with your child about it. Move it on to something upbeat/positive, sometimes young children get into behaviour patterns as they are getting a lot of attention about it. Ask the teacher if they can deal with this through whole-class/circle time activities, and ask if support staff can keep a surreptitious eye on her at playtime/lunchtime in case something is happening there that she's not telling anyone about.

I've just come through the other side of a very bad patch with DD. She's 7 and doesn't take well to transition.
Things we did....
She was obsessed with Frozen cards so she got one a day if she went in without a 'fuss' and then the rest of the packet on the Friday.
I made her a bracelet with a small heart charm on it and every morning I 'filled it up with love'
She would take a cuddly but I then took it home and it came back to school in the afternoon to hear all about her day.
I spoke to the teacher each morning and told her if it was a 'thumbs up' morning. If it was the teacher gave her a tiny sticker.
I went in each morning to the cloakroom but told her I was only going to do that until Christmas.
I used to walk away, hide round the corner and sob!
It will pass, it is a phase, it is horrible and makes you feel like the worst mum in the world.
Good luck!
Oh, DD was worried something would happen to me without her like I'd disappear or get lost so lots of reassurance that I'd be there at the end of the day etc.

Could this be an age thing? My DD is quite similar and hyas started lying about being ill to try to get out of school. She has lots of friends, is doing well at school and there are no problems at home. She just wants to be with me at home. Is your DD in reception or Year 1? I do think the transition from nursery to reception is hard and the days feel really long to them. I've had quite a few mums say to me that their kids are always trying to get off school. She was happy to go in for the play and the party last year, even when she was poorly

Just remembered, for some kids it is about what is happening at home while you aren't there. It can help to talk over breakfast about what you are doing

so, while you are doing your numeracy I will be in Asdas buying some new cereal for breakfast. While you are having lunch I will have my lunch.

Important though that your day doesn't sound like fun!

KellyElly, I was thinking the same thing! DD is 4.5 and although she's not in "big school" yet (montessori preschool), as soon as she gets up in the morning she tells me she feels sick and doesn't want to go . It can be difficult to get her through the door, but she's generally fine once she's in. This has been going on a while, she tends towards being anxious, so we've used different strategies. One very successful one was that if she went in and was still sad in an hour, her teacher would ring me. She only once asked for the teacher to call me, but her teacher was able to distract her for another 5 mins, and it was forgotten about again. Doing jobs or timing it to go straight into an activity helps too.

Hope for both of your sakes' you get it sorted OP.