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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have a "wedding"

49 replies

Eminybob · 12/01/2015 20:50

DP and I have decided to get married. We've been together 10+ years, have a house and a 6 month old DS.

No proposal, just a conversation about it. I do have ring though but we've had that for years (long story and a whole other thread Smile).

The thing is, although I have kind of always wanted the big white wedding, we have no money (well we have savings but they are being used while I'm on mat leave, plus things need doing round the house).
Also, both our sets of parents are divorced and it is just not feasible to have them all in one place at the same time (affairs, other women etc).

So wibu to just have a registry office do, with bil and sil as witnesses and no party? And not tell anyone else until after the event? It seems like the easiest least stressful (and cheapest option, but I'm worried I'll regret never having the big do. Plus I know our parents will be upset they weren't there. But then if we waited til we could afford it (and somehow got over the parents issue) then it would never happen now we have baby and hope to have another. But we really want to be married.

Have any of you ever done this? Did you regret it? Are there any alternatives?

OP posts:
deadduck · 12/01/2015 21:41

I did this, just two friends as witnesses. Never regretted it for a minute (almost 20 years ago now), but then again, I never wanted a big white wedding, so it wasn't exactly a sacrifice for me.

Thisismyfirsttime · 12/01/2015 22:14

We did this, got married with 2 witnesses, told everyone after and then had a party in a (large) private room in a pub a month later. Family were disappointed not to be there but pleased for us. And it's far easier to keep warring parties apart in an informal party setting!

MamaLazarou · 12/01/2015 22:18

Do it, OP! We nipped down to the registry office, two witnesses, then went to the pub. We have never regretted it in 10 years of happy marriage. It's so exciting and glamorous to get married in secret!

OVienna · 12/01/2015 22:20

I want oranges wedding!!!

Hatespiders · 12/01/2015 22:41

We did that. Just the 2 of us, an obligatory interpreter and my two dear old friends as witnesses. Our clothes were just ordinary, but I had a tiny posy from the garden. I drove our car. Afterwards we went back to my friend's flat for lemonade (we don't drink alcohol) and cut a tiny little M&S sponge cake.
Do you know, it was perfect; we haven't forgotten one moment of that lovely day. Our marriage has been so happy and our love is even stronger (if that's possible)
Go for it. You won't regret it. It's the love that matters, not the fancy fat wedding.

noitsbecky · 12/01/2015 22:42

Sounds like a lovely idea OP. Get yourself a cracking dress for it, something that you can wear again and feel fabulous.

Hatespiders · 12/01/2015 22:43

By the way, the Registrar was legally obliged to take me aside and warn me that Muslims often have more than one wife and UK only recognises one! Grin
And he took my dh aside and asked him (via the interpreter) if he knew he was actually being married and was he ok about that? Grin

PicaK · 12/01/2015 22:45

Just worth wondering whether your mum (given a choice) would go for putting up with your dad's wife's bitchiness than miss seeing her daughter get married.
I'd stuff them all but have the wedding you want - I can't help but think there's a wistfulness for the white wedding in your post.
Or they may all unite in their outrage in you elope!

ilovemargaretatwood8931 · 12/01/2015 22:46

Hello! When I got married, we did the whole big white wedding in a church thing with a biggish reception afterwards in a friends pub- and it was fairly horrendous! My parents are divorced and hate/d each other, and my only sibling had died fairly (then) recently. My extended family are very few and we are not remotely close. My immediate instinct was that I absolutely didn't want to have a big do, as I felt I couldn't bear the idea of all the misery and stress of having my family all get together.

BUT, my DH's family are completely different. They are a big, largely very happy family who all love getting together. My lovely but a bit insensitive inlaws just assumed that we'd have the perfect wedding- big, white, in the church where they worship/ where they live, full to bursting with them and their relations. I desperately didn't want to disappoint them all and so organised the whole thing the way that they wanted it. Then of course was simmering with anxiety and secret resentment throughout the months leading up to it. My parents got through it but hated the whole thing, and it was just painful as to how lopsided the guest list was- my side of the family was small and sad, his side huge and happy. I felt on edge all day and didn't enjoy any of it tbh, though I loved my DH so much I was happy to be getting married in a way.

But afterwards, we both decided on reflection that it was all a huge mistake and the stress my side of the family went through were just too much. His family are sweet but live rather in their own universe and they just couldn't understand why my family's dynamics made it so awful for us. I wish we'd got married without any of the parents there, just us.

But of course, this would have upset his parents a lot... I still think we did the wrong thing though.

My advice to you is listen to your gut instinct- if you think your parents and their partners will be difficult/ upset etc, it could make the whole thing unbearable for you. But, it might not be that bad... What does your gut say?

ChillySundays · 12/01/2015 22:50

Did the Registry Office with our DC as witnesses so we didn't even have the hassle of upsetting people by choosing sets of friends over other friends to be witnesses. Told everyone after we did it. Did go out for a meal to celebrate and didn't have any kind of party.

As far as we were concerned we wanted to get married and I didn't need the stress of a big wedding.

No regrets at all.

Do what you are comfortable with. Sounds like you will be stressed with the worry of parents misbehaving

HolyTerror · 12/01/2015 22:55

I say go for it - we just had two friends and witnesses and we both wore jeans, no rings, no photos, and went for tapas afterwards. We only got around to telling anyone else, including immediate family, six months or so later. It didn't appear to faze anyone unduly, and we're always very glad we did it the way we did. It was low-key, exactly what we wanted, and rather romantic. And cost the grand sum of about three hundred pounds, including several bottles of champagne and an excellent meal!

No, have never had a single pang that we didn't have some big extravaganza - to me, it would have been a criminal waste of time and money we would rather have spent on something else.

WineWineWine · 12/01/2015 23:02

No regrets here. Never has been.

heartisaspade · 12/01/2015 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FaithLoveandGrace · 12/01/2015 23:29

I'd say go for it! At the end of the day, this is about you and your h2b, not anyone else. Do whatever makes you both happy :) though I do second the suggestion of celebrating with your DH afterwards.

MrsBennington · 12/01/2015 23:36

We did. We had been together 8 years and decided to go and get married abroad with no one else there but us ( we did tell people we were going there to marry s not a proper elope!) - it was lovely and a great holiday too. Plus it was cheap :)

OnHerMajestysSecretCervix · 13/01/2015 01:24

I would do it, OP.

I had a registry office wedding and then a bbq afterwards. We had most of our his friends there and I even found that too much. But much preferable to a big wedding. Never wanted one of those.

That was with my Ex. If I were to marry the BF then it would be an elopement. Just us would be perfect. I would love to do a drive through wedding in Las Vegas.

OnHerMajestysSecretCervix · 13/01/2015 01:29

I would do it, OP.

If I were to get married again to the BF then it would be an elopement. Just us would be perfect. I would love a drive through wedding in Las Vegas.

And I am saying that after having just a simple Registry Office wedding/bbq afterwards with the Ex. Even that seemed 'too much' for me. I have never been into the whole big wedding thing.

OnHerMajestysSecretCervix · 13/01/2015 01:29

Urgh sorry for the dp. I thought I had lost the first one Hmm

TerrorAustralis · 13/01/2015 02:39

YANBU

While our wedding was lovely and what I wanted at the time, if I had my time over again I would elope!

FelixFelix · 13/01/2015 02:41

All of these small weddings sound heavenly. I've always wanted the big wedding but in reality I think it would just give me an anxiety attack. I'd love to have the balls to do this!!

emmelinelucas · 13/01/2015 02:57

I did a bit of both - had the dress, uphairdo and cake (didn't get that the first time and regretted it)
But in a registry office then back to the pub for carvery buffet and crates of cheap wine.
It was fab - got married at 2.30 (nephew took me in his Bentley !) we had 50 at the wedding, which was the absolute minimum we could have. Both have big families. It would have caused major ructions not to invite most of them (long Story)
We were tucked up in bed with mugs of Ovaltine at 10pm.
In lieu of presents my friends decorated the room and did make-up and flowers.
No photographer. My DSson took pics and did a dvd for us and a pic in a frame.
It was a very happy day.
I wish you well OP Flowers !

MummyBeerest · 13/01/2015 03:56

These weddings sound awesome.

Yanbu, OP. It'll be a big day for you both regardless.

BoxofSnails · 13/01/2015 04:13

Go for it. We had two witnesses, and then went for afternoon tea afterwards. I bought a cheapish dress, did my own hair and makeup. I wanted marriage, not a wedding, there are similar family issues, and I hate being looked at/ the centre of attention.
People have complained, or said I'm weird for doing it. No regrets though.

Kab13 · 13/01/2015 08:01

Wish I could do this. My registry office wedding now has an army of people coming because people don't give a shit what you want!
Don't tell anyone you're doing it other than BIL and SIL and do it!

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