Aibu about people judging forces families?

[Squeezepast]

I really don't know if I am being unreasonable about this at all and so would be very interested to know what mumsnetters think...

My DH is in the forces and we move as a family when he is posted, which tends to be every two years. It can be a bit shorter but equally can be longer if he gets two postings in a row in the same location. We have two DC, neither of whom are school age yet.

When I meet new people it often comes up in conversation, as people ask where we live (we live at a barracks), what primary school is dc going to go to (we don't know as we will move before then). What has started to really annoy me is that so frequently, on realising we are a forces family, people who I have only just met start giving me what feels like a lecture about how disruptive it must be for our children, how unsettling, how bad off their education etc etc. It just seems really rude to start judging our lifestyle like that. If they wanted to ask questions about it I would be more than happy to answer but they often just launch into a big rant before I can get a word in.

I have two friends whose families also move often because of work (corporate firms) but they say that they have never experienced this before. I feel like the 'concern for our children' from total strangers is reserved for military families, even though there are other professions which require frequent moves. Am I being unreasonably over sensitive or is it rude to criticise someone's lifestyle when you have only just met them?

OP do you tell these nosey busy bodies that you get awesome discounts off all the best boarding schools?!

I have a relative living the forces life. It's not for me. But I would never in my life start telling a stranger what I thought of their life choices. That's just rude!

Squeeze DH has been in the RAFA for 28 years, so the kids have been right through their school years as Forces children. DS1 left school with all As and As at GCSE and AAB at A Level. DS2 takes his A levels this summer, he is predicted AAB, and got A*sAs and aB at GCSE.

We didn't choose boarding school because DS1 would have hated it, as would I. DS2 did say the other day he wouldn't have minded it!

I hate the "you knew he was in the RAF when you married him" comments! Yes I did, but there was no Afghanistan or Iraq then, I didn't know how it would feel to send him off for 4 or 6 months. You don't really understand that they can't say no, or I'm not doing that, or getting a day off, or an hour off to watch a school play or something is not easy.

When DS1 said he was joing the Army, MIL said I had failed as a mother! People told me to put my foot down and not let him go, the teachers at school were implying I was letting him waste his life, someone said they hadn't realised he was thick! It was absolutely shocking just how many people had such a negative opinion on something that was absolutely nothing to do with them.

Should say DH is in the RAF, obviously! bloody Ipad

Thanks everyone! I feel a lot better, I had started to worry we were going to damage our kids for life. I think that maybe people comment negatively because they don't realise that military moves are generally less arduous than civilian ones. We don't have to find the house ourselves or decorate and you make friends quickly as people are in the same boat. Also for the children it is maybe less disruptive as the houses are similar/same colour paint (crown magnolia silk anyone!?) and because we move to military areas preschools etc are used to settling new children quickly. We often bump into friends of friends etc so sort of know people already. I could explain all that if I could get a word in sometimes!

i dont think it is strange to move when your dc's are under school age

but

i dont understand wife/husband that board their children when older and follow their husband/wife on postings

imo when they go to school the main care giver should stay where the children start their education,not follow their spouse on postings,imo the children need the parent more than the posted parent

I know a few Forces families and their kids are some of the nicest, politest, most well-adjusted and mature children I know.

The life isn't for me, but as I've said on here before, I grew up around it and have experience of people with similar lifestyles, and I understand it's a vocation and a way of life. I would never judge.

I'm so sorry to hear that people have said this to you, OP.

We tried living apart when our children were much younger, ilove, but it almost killed our marriage. DH was on a busy squadron and would not get back until late on a Friday, my job meant I worked on a Saturday morning p, then he had to travel back on a Sunday afternoon, so we had 1 day a week as a family.

Then you have to add in deployments and courses, guard duties and everything else. In once year my DH was away for just over 9 months, that's why we live together so when he is at home we can all see each other. At least if the children board at school they get blocks of holidays and so,e weekends off, which is more than just seeing the parent who is in the Forces for one day every so often.

ilovechristmas it's not as black and white as that unfortunately, every family is different, and all enjoy/cope with different arrangments. The regiment they belong too also plays a massive part in the set up. I see as much of DP as some of the wives do at camp in mq's because of their job role. One guy we know saw his family for all of 6weeks out of a year and they live in married quarters.

You just make do the best you can, and cope the best you can as a family.

I was a forces child and moved frequently (and after dad left the Army as he couldnt settle back in civvy street)
I hated it and my education was disrupted but i know its not like that for everyone.

I don't know why they would do this - surely if you are mixing with them then they live in an area with forces folk and are aware of how it works? I lived very near an RAF barracks growing up and it was just one of those things.

Maybe they're just stupid and can't think of anything else to say? Sorry it's upsetting you OP.

I was a Pads Brat and wouldn't change it for anything. I guess I was 'lucky' as my dad joined civvy street after 22 years in the army and I was still only 8, but I do wish he'd stayed on as we could have had longer in Germany or even gone to Hong Kong. I went to three primary schools and was well ahead of the class when I joined the civvy primary school.

It's a shame that the rebasing programme is ploughing ahead, all those generations of children who won't get to grow up in Germany.

I think it's nothing to do with your partner being employed in the military. I have had similar comments as an (semi)academic scientist, in which profession you don't get housing and schools assistance like military do (my Grandad was RAF- I don't know if they still do but you used to get help for private schools, all sorts). My dd1 is doing very well at school anyway, and younger one seems likely to follow. Your kids will be fine, ignore stupid/ignorant people.

I'm a RAF brat and moved often throughout my childhood, I loved it and wouldn't have changed it for the world. My dsis and dp (also a RAF brat) hated it would have preferred a more stable environment.

Odd sort of attitude to have and quite narrow minded too. Forces children often have opportunities to travel and experience different cultures that none forces families rarely do. Children are adaptable and stability is there from the family unit, whatever form that may take.

I also found that forces school generally offered a higher standard of education. My personal experience of this was leaving a forces secondary school at the age of 14 when my father left the army, and starting at our 'local' comp. the comp had a very good reputation/Ofsted report but both my sister and I felt way ahead of our peers, we breezed through GCSEs and didn't feel that we really had to apply ourselves until we both hit A Levels. We were also both conversant in German and had a really good standard of French at a point when our peers had only just really started moving beyond basic phrases.

We both also got good degrees and are now both in what are considered professional careers. I would say that we are also fairly independant/self sufficient as a direct result of our upbringing.

Ignore the haterz OP, they unfortunately do not know what they are yabbering on about!

I would say that a majority of people do not judge you negatively for your lifestyle, many might think " I couldn't live with the moving around " as it isn't an easy lifestyle ( I also couldn't live a celebrity lifestyle or emergency worker, oil rig worker etc - I don't think negatively about those people either)

Of the minority who would judge you I think only a few would be so rude as to behave like the people you have encountered have done- you must have been quite unlucky to meet so manY!