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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask at nursery if there's a reason my son gets left out

29 replies

polkadotsrock · 12/01/2015 13:03

Long story short...for the second time in recent months my wee man has been overlooked for a birthday party. Problem being the teacher hands out invitations at the door so when there's a queue and everyone gets a letter but then he doesn't he obviously notices, though he isn't upset. He's only 3 and it could be that the party is for children who will be attending school later this year and been together at nursery for longer but it seems hurtful to me. Or am I too sensitive and it's perfectly reasonable to not invite all children and for the teachers to hand out invitations rather than just more discreetly place them in the childrens bags? I feel like I want to ask if he's settled ok, just started funded place every afternoon but has been going 3 days a week since September, but don't want to make a fuss unnecessarily. Guide me please...

OP posts:
Quenelle · 12/01/2015 13:07

Perhaps the hosts are inviting the children who will be in their child's school year?

It is reasonable not to invite all children but I agree it's not on to hand invitations out at the door.

Nolim · 12/01/2015 13:08

I think you could ask if there is a policy for birthdays. On some places if you invite more than half of the class you have to invite them all. And even if there is no such policy you can still sugest not to hand invites in public.

GooseyLoosey · 12/01/2015 13:10

Don't ask about the birthdays - just if he has settled and is making friends OK as you have some concerns.

formerbabe · 12/01/2015 13:10

Same thing happened with my ds... First of all, do the parents know your son attends the nursery? If he started after the majority started, then many may not even be aware of him. Secondly, I really get annoyed at invitations being handed out in front of all the children. They can be easily popped into book bags or handed to parents. If your son isn't upset then I wouldn't mention it or if you do, I would ask if they can be handed out more discretely to avoid upset. You will find once he starts school, he will get lots of party invites!

AlmaMartyr · 12/01/2015 13:11

I wouldn't worry about him being left out but would not be happy about the handing out of invitations in that way. Ours are mostly done by parents in the playground or given to teachers discreetly to be put in book bags which seems OK to me.

ilovesooty · 12/01/2015 13:14

I find myself wondering why teachers should even be involved with the invitations to parties held outside school.

Original poster
polkadotsrock · 12/01/2015 13:16

Thank you, it's my first encounter with a nursery but it did seem odd for them to be publicly handed out. I'll probably wait for the next appropriate forum and mention something then. I'm sure you're right and I'll be going crazy with party invitations when he's at school, I should be pleased about not having to find gifts I suppose!

OP posts:
WookieCookiee · 12/01/2015 13:17

everyone gets a letter but then he doesn't if this is the case, and has been every time, then definitely speak to the teacher - it may be that his name is not on the class list they give out or something.
If this isn't the case (ie there are other children in the class who aren't invited) then you just have to accept that he won't get invited to every party going, either because of limited numbers/budget, friendship groups, year groups - lots of reasons, so try not worry!

I would talk to his teacher anyway about him settling in if you have concerns; and they may agree not to hand out invitations at home time but just put into book bags.

Quitelikely · 12/01/2015 13:18

In all honesty I would let this go. It's hard when your child doesn't get an invite but it's got absolutely nothing to do with the nursery as to why the parents decide who can't come.

Having said that is it possible that his name isn't on a list they hand out to parents ?

Lazymummy2014 · 12/01/2015 13:20

I'd just say that you'd noticed he'd been left out of a couple of party invites and wanted to check that he was settled ok and wasn't isolated during nursery time. This might reveal a good enough reason for the lack of invites and hopefully will put your mind at rest re. his social integration. You can't do anything about making people invite everyone to parties though.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/01/2015 13:22

Yabvu you don't know if every child has been invited, it's really not important in the grand scheme of things, and not something that is the responsibility of the nursery. Ask how his day has been, how he's getting on! But forget the party.

Carrie5608 · 12/01/2015 13:25

The nursery and primary my Dc go to would consider this bullying by exclusion and have a written policy on it. Parents are asked to sign at start of year. You either invite all the girls or boys or you organise and distribute invitation off the school grounds.

Having said that with a three year old I would suspect either he is not on class list or it's a school year thing but I would still mention it. It is not good for his self esteem.

Quenelle · 12/01/2015 13:26

I know all the kids in DS's class at school but I didn't know them all at his preschool, nor did he because of all the different hours and days they all went, so wouldn't have expected him to be invited to all their parties.

I still think it's unkind to hand out invitations in front of all the kids though.

Original poster
polkadotsrock · 12/01/2015 13:27

I'm not sure I'm being very unreasonable to think it's not best to do this publicly as in that queue he was the only one, though this is obviously not representative of the entire class, and that could be upsetting but I certainly take your point about him not being invited not being the responsibility of the nursery, and wholeheartedly agree.

OP posts:
LadyintheRadiator · 12/01/2015 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FanSpamTastic · 12/01/2015 13:28

Is there a class list? It could be as simple as the fact that there is a out of date list in circulation and your son is not on it.

Notso · 12/01/2015 13:32

I wouldn't mention anything about invitations the school is just the messenger.
I don't see how you can know for sure if it is everyone else who is invited anyway.

LadyintheRadiator · 12/01/2015 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quenelle · 12/01/2015 13:50

It irritates me that people who work with young children can be so tactless though.

The staff at DS's preschool would never knowingly hurt one of the children's feelings and it's pretty obvious that a child might be upset if they're the only one not to be given an invitation when they're handed out.

Notso · 12/01/2015 14:38

Well the school have decided they will be the messenger, whether they should or not isn't the issue here really.
Particularly in early years giving out invitations yourself is difficult as you don't know all the parents, some children go on to playgroup plus etc.
My DS is in pre-school and only brings a bag home on a Wednesday. Letters, pictures and any invitations are given out when they are sitting on the carpet ready to go home. I don't see how they could do it any differently. I don't think it's particularly being tactless unless they're making grand announcements about it being an invitation.

Ghirly · 12/01/2015 14:49

In my dds nursery it is usually just the children in their particular group that get party invites/Christmas cards etc.
If i was having a party for dd there is no way i would leave just 1 child out. That's just cruel imo.

in fact my dd got a party invite after being at nursery only for a week as the child's mum asked the keyworker who the new girl was specifically so she wouldnt be left out.

No harm in asking if your son is settled ok and, judging how the conversation goes, you could maybe mention the party.

pregnantpause · 12/01/2015 14:57

My dd got excluded from party invites last year- it turned out that as she had started mid year she wasn't on the list of children's names that was given out at the start of the year so parents had no clue they were excluding her. Could this have happened with your ds?

It was when I was given the list of children's names for Christmas cards that i was alerted that my and another girl who started at the same time names weren't on the list. - so dd wasn't the only one excluded and the teacher wasShockBlush when I drew attention to this.

Waltonswatcher · 12/01/2015 15:03

School party policy!?!? Bullying!?!?
Oh glory be...

CatThiefKeith · 12/01/2015 15:09

Does he go every day?

Dd doesn't attend on Fridays as I work and she goes to Mils, which has meant that she has missed a couple of parties (end of term) and never had the class bear. Teacher was mortified when I mentioned this as it is always done on a Friday and she had been forgotten. ( she has been there 18 months in a class of 20)

I would ask if everything is ok, and whether he is on the class list, but possibly not mention the lack of invites unless conversation naturally turns that way, in case you inadvertently come across as 'that' parent.

Has he not been invited to any parties at all?

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/01/2015 15:10

My email address was wrong on the class list so do check. Also, DD was well liked but parents invited their friends' children. DD was never asked. It will change later.