AIBU to think my OH and in-laws are emotionally stunted?!

[Y0rkshirePudding]

Don't get me wrong, I love them all very much, but my OH and I are having a rough time recently (money problems, that we've kept to ourselves). Last night, as relationships often end up, we took our frustrations out on each other and had a row in the car on the way to see his parents.

I tried desperately not to cry and to act normal. But once there and in the house, his mum sensed the tension and said "what's up with you two, you both seem down in the dumps". OH abruptly said "nothings up with me!" then nodded towards me and rolled his eyes. He's always been a bit insensitive when he's in a mood and this triggered me to break down into floods of tears. Weeks of pent-up weeping just poured out. But everyone just clammed up and didn't know where to look.

I went to the loo to grab a tissue...But literally as I got up for a tissue, his parents just started chatting to OH about general shit, not one of them acknowledging this scene before them. It was bizarre.

I return seconds later, still tears streaming down my face. But they're talking about everything except what's just happening right in front of them. I have broken down in tears, OH is clearly not ok, but they are just chatting about football, fishing, going out for dinner next week, that they've bought a lovely joint of beef for Sunday lunch, that she bought a nice skirt for 3 quid out of fuckin asda! And I'm sat there thinking... WTF?!

Nobody put an arm around me, nobody even asked why I was so upset. Don't get me wrong, I am by no means an attention-seeker (seriously, Im really not!) but being 'the elephant in the room' just upset me even further. I struggled to understand why nobody cared.

I've known them for 6 years, very well! I thought I was pretty close to them. I often go round for dinner with them, or sleep-over, on my own if OH is working away. Have days out with the kids with his mum etc. We even lived with them for a few months while we were having some housing issues. But last night it was like they couldn't bear to acknowledge this emotional stranger in front of them and all 3 (including my OH btw!) just basically ignored me, and continued to talk general crap while I cried. The only person to offer me any comfort was my 2 yr old ds.

Is it just me, or is this just fuckin weird????

In the end I just had to leave. But they still came to the door to wave us off smiling, while joking and laughing at the door, shouting happy goodbyes like nothing had happened. Im really disturbed by this!

I think if a couple came to my house after an obvious row (ie. one was upset and the other irritated) I wouldn't want to get involved either. I don't think they don't care, it's just they don't want to get involved in your relationship.

Maybe they didn't want to look like they were taking your side over their son's? Like, by comforting you they'd be saying "yeah, he's in the wrong" and maybe they didn't want to put themselves in that situation?

Op mabey they feel awkard, like they diden't want to interfer, or they did not know what to say.

Same with OHs family. Some years ago the family found out that one of OHs brothers was leading a double life. Yes, two wives 2 lots of children.
Two other brothers took themselves off to where they found out he was living.
Because of all 'the trouble' it was thought best he went back to his Mother for a while. On the night he 'came home' we were visiting MIL and didn't know that he would be there.
We knocked on the door, the 'wandering' brother opened it. My OH said: hello mate, alright?
We went in, had a drink, and not a word was said about what had taken place that day. And never, did my OH ask him.

I agree that it was shitty of your husband to put you all in that situation. He should have come after you , not them. It was extremely awkward for all of you and I guess they just didn't know what to do.

I agree, we shouldn't have continued to go to his parents after the row, I really didn't want to, but he was worried what they might think if we suddenly decided to not call round. He's the type that will argue, but 10 mins later just act normal and pretend nothing has happened. Whereas I like to talk about it and get it resolved. So it seems this is a trait picked up from his parents, a trait I had realised until yesterday as I've never known them to behave like that.

I wasn't expecting them to interfere or get involved in a row, that's really not what Im getting at (or want sympathy for!). Its the total ignoring of someone who's clearly distressed that I simply find strange. Even awkwardly unaffectionate people (like my own family) still have a heart to not totally ignore someone who's crying. I get a little uncomfortable with a crying person, I totally understand that. But I would still say "Im not interfering but I'm here to talk if either of you need to" or "is there anything I can do?" or even just an arm around a shoulder, offer a tissue... anything other than "guess what, I picked up a skirt for £3 today out of asda" "ooh we've got a lovely joint of beef for tomorrow" "I caught a lovely bit of cod fishing off Dover pier yesterday" while my OH joins in, knowing exactly why Im so upset and not saying or doing anything.

And the thing is, he knew he should've done something because the second we got home his first words were "I'm sorry, I didn't know what to do"

FingerOnThe Button - that IS strange to me, really strange! I also have something a little similar. FIL has forced us to invite his dad (my OH's grandfather) to our wedding. Neither OH, FIL or MIL have spoken to him for years due to a feud that occurred before I was even on the scene. I felt backed into a corner, but I did say "Im happy to send him an invite, but don't you think someone should call him first, or go and see him, and at least try to resolve the feud and clear the air, otherwise it's going to be really weird if he does turn up and we all just act like nothing has happened" and I was just met with a "hmmm" from MIL while FIL changed the subject to something totally irrelevant.

Am I really in the minority that finds this all a bit weird, for a whole family to just pretend things aren't happening?

Then please stop directing your anger and upset at the wrong people. I'm sure it feels easier to be angry at them when really, you know you are angry with your OH and yourself (or should be).

Let it go and don't let this cloud your future relationship with them. Your ILs did nothing wrong by not getting involved and embarrassing you both further.

Anger? I haven't directed any anger at them in the slightest. I was perfectly polite as I left, and even said sorry for crying. And in response to my apology she simply said "Im going swimming on Tuesday"...just me that finds this strange then... ok

My lovely late in laws were similar, they were huggy kissy people, which my parents weren't, but they would have acted as you have described. I remember we were going through a rough patch when my youngest was a toddler and confiding in them (which retrospectively I shouldn't have done). They nodded, listened but never mentioned it again although they agreed their son was cold with me and told him so. When I announced my first pregnancy, I couldn't understand why my MIL started talking about a Christmas cake she was making (can laugh now) but she was clearly bothered we weren't married and said first thing to come into her head to change the subject as you describe.

I cried a couple of times in front of them, both fully justified,first occasion my FIL asked was I tired and other time (I was seriously ill), I discovered my MIL just couldn't cope with tears. Maybe yours are the same.

It's frustrating, feels uncaring (though untrue I realise now) but I realised they just didn't discuss important things such as illness and relationships, etc. In my family all were talked about openly. We were in the situation once where my FIL was in hospital and none of us knew why. My BIL had to ring the Consultant. Alien to me, a trait DH picked up from his parents too, OP. It upsets me not to talk and sort issues out, not good for mental health.

I haven't much advice I'm afraid, as I've learnt it's just the way DH is and I can't change him.

YANBU op. That's awful. I fail to see how three people could just sit there ignoring your distress and acting as if you were invisible. And your dh's rolling his eyes in your direction is unforgivable. You must have felt like a bloody worm.
They didn't need to know the details, just offer you comfort. I'd have put an arm round you and taken you off into the kitchen to have a quiet cup of tea, offered tissues etc. No-one needed explanations. But you needed some tenderness.
Tbh, I'd have gone from upset to extremely angry and shouted at the lot of them. And once home I'd have let my dh have it right between the eyes. If your anguish means nothing to him it says quite a bit about how he cares about you as his wife.
I'm so sorry and feel very sad for you.

I wouldn't have known what to do either to be honest. If you were pretending everything was ok, I'd probably assume you didn't want to talk about it.

On a more personal note, I wouldn't want to be dragged into the middle of it where I'd be forced to listen to a petty row and expected to take a side. You and your husband gave the cues it didn't involve them, and they took them.

Your husband on the other hand, should have done something gone on a walk, talked it out somewhere in private.

In any case, sorry you had such a cruddy time.

We would never have continued a row in front of them or expected them to join in/pick a side.

There wasnt really a side, we were both just stressed with our current situation and it resulted in letting off a bit of steam at each other. Obviously at the wrong time as it was just as we were on our way to their house. But we were going there to ask them for help, and in discussing how to approach this on the way there is what sparked off a heated discussion (we weren't screaming at each other).

I by no means wanted to walk in there, continue that and assume they pick a side. I care for them all so much, I have no wish to hurt any of them. I guess thats why Im baffled at how they all reacted to my tearful breakdown. But I guess some families aren't comfortable with crying, and its just come as a little bit of a shock as I never noticed this in the 6 years I've known them. I found it a little surreal that such a warm family could just switch off so completely to someone in distress, including my OH as hes so openly cuddly & kissy.

Better try not to cry in future unless Im alone I think!

Your husband is much more at fault than your in-laws here. I wouldn't have known what to do if I had been in their position. I wouldn't have known what you would want me to do.
Your husband caused a very uncomfortable situation by the way he behaved.

Im not saying in-laws are at fault as such, it was our issue and I was unable to prevent myself from becoming upset. I totally get that. But I was confused how 3 people, who Im very close to as we're all family, and have been largely involved in each others lives, can just act as though I wasn't there and nothing was happening. It was very bizarre imo.

Sometimes a bit of a hug is all it needs. No inteference, no involvement, no rows or taking sides. Just someone acknowledging a member of the family needs a bit of tlc.

But instead I had eyes rolled at me, totally ignored for the duration of our visit and then I apologised on leaving, which was also rebuffed with another irrelevant statement.

So, note to self: Some people are not that way inclined and I shall refrain from any further crying in front of others, or just never visit others when we're going through a rough time on the risk I may buckle under emotion and cry, thus making others feel uncomfortable. Got it!

What kind of help were you planning to ask them for? Is it possible they know what you were going to ask and were trying to head it off before they were asked, hence the chatter about other things and reluctance to get involved in your difficulties? I ask because you mention financial difficulties and the fact that you've already lived with them for several months because of housing problems...

Nah, OP, but what you could do is have a chat with your DH about how to cope with stress in future, i.e. not arguing in front of your DC, not bloody going to visit your PIL or anyone else if you're still horribly upset by an argument and especially not eyerolling you in front of other people (this would make me want to punch him very hard). Can you sit down and just talk strategy at some point when you feel better?

I hate crying in front of other people. In your position, I'd have taken myself off to the loo and stayed there until I'd got my tears under control. Washed my face and returned, pretending it hadn't happened. If someone had put their arm round me, I'd have dissolved into tears again.

Perhaps they're like that, too, and were a bit mystified as to why you'd come back, still with tears pouring down your face. The attempts at a normal conversation were to try and help you recover your composure.

But I would have expected my OH to come and find out how I was if I hadn't returned after a reasonable length of time and then make excuses for us to leave if I didn't seem able to cope.

i don't think I'm emotionally stunted.

OP if you had been crying I. Front if me I round have offered you a cup of tea and some tissues.
If it had been my parents or my mil they would have done the same.
DH and my FIL wound have do verge same than your PIL but both are on the spectrum for Asperger and would have no idea how to react to a display of strong emotions like this.
I would have been surprised and hurt by that attitude. More so from DH that my PIL.

You didn't make your in-laws feel uncomfortable on purpose-your husband caused the situation. I really do mean that if I had been your PsIL i would have been genuinely unsure how to react. I would have been asking myself if you would want me to draw attention to the situation or not.
Personally I would not have wanted anyone to hug me as it would have made me cry more-although I would have appreciated "Sorry you're so upset,drudge, would you like a cup of tea?"
Asking what the matter is? -I would feel this is definitely starting on the road to interference.
When things have calmed down I would have a serious talk to your husband about not arguing in public.

Everyone is different I suppose, so I accept that.

We didnt live with them due to financial difficulties. 3 years ago I got a new job quite far away from where we lived, but PIL lived closer. We moved in with them temporarily until we found a new suitable place to live closer to my new work, as the drive from our old place was very long and exhausting.

Yes the help we were asking for was for a small loan. OHs vehicle he uses for running his business AND my car both literally broke down within a week if each other. Both vehicles require expensive repair and quickly.

We are struggling financially due to the lack of work OH has had recently, but we both need to stay mobile to get to work in order to keep earning. They don't know the extent of our work/finance struggles. They just think we're a bit skint after Christmas. But it rubs deeper as we're pouring what little money we have into trying to keep OHs business afloat, praying things will pick up soon