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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About my ExH?

18 replies

ProbablyMe · 11/01/2015 14:10

ExH and I were married for 15 years, have been separated and now divorced for 2 1/2. We have four sons aged 11-17. I have a DP and am expecting a baby in July, he has a DP that he is moving in with this week, she has 2 DC that he is very involved with (according to my DSs).

ExH has previously informed me that I must inform him of every detail of the boys lives without his asking, and that I cannot expect him to be involved in dealing with any issues as he has other responsibilities and priorities.

DS4 has medical problems. These are life long and potentially life limiting. He has never shown interest or support for these issues and has referred to them as my responsibility as he goes to work. I am a ft carer as DS is unwell so frequently. When DS is unwell he will not help out with the other boys. My DP however takes time off work to help me and the boys.

DS4 has just been released from hospital after 9 days as in inpatient due to an infection. This infection has affected his already reduced renal function a lot and I am very worried. DS became ill whilst at his dad's for the New Year and was returned to me early. I told him that he was being admitted on the day I took him into hospital and in the ensuing 9 days he visited him once and did not contact me or the medical team for information. When he contacts me I tell him what is going on, however I feel that he should be interested or worried enough to spare the time to ask after his son. He doesn't contact them apart from their eow contact - says the boys and me are responsible for contacting him.

He has just messaged me to say that I must contact him with information and that I am unreasonable to expect him to ask. I have told him that I have more things to worry about than him - coping with a sick child, hospital appointments, looking after the other boys, school runs etc - and that if he wants to know he should bloody ask. He has consequently called me evil and an idiot and that my behaviour is damaging the boys. He also said that his relationship with the boys is his responsibility so I need to keep my nose out. I have told him that it is my responsibility if it impacts negatively on the boys - which I think it is as DS4 has asked why his dad is spending time with his DPs children and not coming to see him.

Should I contact him with information all the time? AIBU to expect him to ask occasionally?

OP posts:

Original poster

ProbablyMe · 11/01/2015 14:12

I have in the past provided him with all info btw but he has never done anything with the information - ie visited/contacted DS any more. I'm fed up of doing this however, it feels like it's his attempt to control me still.

OP posts:

tipsytrifle · 11/01/2015 14:20

Yes, he is being abusive and controlling. It is NOT up to you to inform him of anything really. Ideally with such pressing health issues there would be a mutuality of love and concern, a natural flow of info. This isn't going to happen here. He see DSs on the eow basis, returns a poorly child early rather than be involved in care, harasses and verbally abuses you by text and no doubt in other ways too.

I think he should probably take a high jump off the planet asap.

temporarilyjerry · 11/01/2015 14:22

YANBU

HTH

BlackeyedSusan · 11/01/2015 14:52

your first priority is to your children. when you have sorted their needs out then you will contact him, but they come first...

remind him that he is welcome to contact the drs/hospital/school to find out the information he needs.

he is an arse who wants things whicheverway he is feeling pissed off about now. mine was the same. ask him to do something and he forgets, well he can't be expected to remember first time, yet ask him twice and I am nagging...

maz210 · 11/01/2015 15:11

As your youngest is 11, could you tell your ex he can deal directly with the boys themselves for everyday matters? I'm guessing they probably have their own phones, there's no reason why he can't text them instead of you.

It might make your youngest feel his dad cares more if he gets a text from him every day or two.

petalsandstars · 11/01/2015 15:24

his relationship with the boys is his responsibility

They are all old enough to have their own relationship with him without you doing anything other than make them available for contact. Take him at his word on this and email Communication only from now on. He's being abusive and controlling so set your boundaries high and strong now.

Original poster

ProbablyMe · 11/01/2015 16:49

It's quite right, I guess I should let him work his relationship with the boys out for himself - just get so annoyed on their behalf and I'm also the one who has to answer when DS4 asks why his dad is seeing his girlfriends DCs and not him.

Re the poster who mentioned nagging - I completely get where you're coming from. I was always in the wrong if I didn't remind him but nagging when I did. At one point he told me that if I asked him more than once to do something then it made him less likely to do it as . He was always a knob though I just convinced myself he was the best I could do!!

I shall stick to my guns re communicating with him, he can't tell me his relationship with the boys is none of my business but all also expect me to be in constant touch about them. I sincerely hope that in the future when none of them can be bothered with him that he realises what he did. The boys already choose to do other stuff most contact weekends rather then see him.

OP posts:

tipsytrifle · 11/01/2015 17:51

he can't tell me his relationship with the boys is none of my business but all also expect me to be in constant touch about them.

This is exactly what I was going to say earlier but then wondered if I had misunderstood that maybe he was excluding you from his new dp's kids and him ... *bleh .. anyway ... you have it in a nutshell there ... he can spin how he wants but you can be the wall to spin him back/away ... or something like that. I'm sorry he's such an arse but there you have it.

Clutterbugsmum · 11/01/2015 18:11

He has just messaged me to say that I must contact him with information and that I am unreasonable to expect him to ask. I have told him that I have more things to worry about than him - coping with a sick child, hospital appointments, looking after the other boys, school runs etc - and that if he wants to know he should bloody ask. He has consequently called me evil and an idiot and that my behaviour is damaging the boys. He also said that his relationship with the boys is his responsibility so I need to keep my nose out. So you need to tell him everything that is going on in his children lives, but you have nothing to do with their relationship. So what does he want you to do, you can not do both.

You can either tell what's happening or he finds out himself as he has a 'great' relationship with them.

I know what I would do, and it would involve me as little as possible. As he wants you not to be involved with their relationship then he can not complain you are not giving him information.

mrsfuzzy · 11/01/2015 18:26

what a complete tosser ! how old is you exh op ? not only is he a controlling arsehole, he carries on like a spoilt brat who wants to write the rules but doesn't know what the game is, be supportive of your dcs and let them phone etc if they want but ex needs to sort himself out as far as finding out about his dc with you, has the 'novelty' of your dc worn off, after all he has 'new toys' to play with, i hate to say this and i don't mean to upset anyone but is it possible he feels awkward with your special needs child ? so therefore it better [in his opinion] to stay remote ? what ever happens you sound like a fab mum and full respect to you for everything you do for your dcs, they are fortunate to have such a loving mum. as for 'dad' it'll bite him on the backside one day, let's hope he doesn't do the same to his current partner and their kids,

Original poster

ProbablyMe · 11/01/2015 18:37

When I found out I was expecting DS4 he was livid - threatened to leave me, told me to have an abortion and actually tried to make me an appointment, told it would ruin everyone's lives. I was having Depo injections at the time having conceived twice whilst on the pill and he marched me into the Dr's so I could prove to him that is had the injection as I'd told him

He improved a bit when we discovered they there were issues at my 20 week scan but never really engaged with it all.

He just wants be be shiny dad every other weekend. He's very good at looking like he's Mr Wonderful, he had me doubting myself for many years until I slowly realised what a dick he really was. However, he had engineered our social life so that it all revolved around him and when we split I was left with absolutely no friends - he told them I was a horrible cow who treated poor him like shit and because he's so good at talking the talk they all believed him. Hence why I end up asking questions on here as irl there is no one outside of my (very wonderful) DP and parents to talk to!! We had been split for a year during which my DDad treated me very poorly and him like the sun shone out of his arse until a couple of incidents where he showed his true colours - one involved stealing my dads caravan keys the day I was due to take the boys away for a few days

OP posts:

Original poster

ProbablyMe · 11/01/2015 18:40

Anyway- sorry for the continued venting! Nice to tell someone else though (iykwim!) and thanks for the advice and support.

OP posts:

Hassled · 11/01/2015 18:45

What an absolute wanker. All you can do is keep reminding yourself quite how well rid you are (and your DP sounds lovely). Just ignore the tosser - you don't have to do anything at all re information. Focus on your DS4 - I really hope he's OK.

tipsytrifle · 11/01/2015 18:55

Exactly as Hassled said! You really do have enough to deal with and you do it awesomely well! Cut him out of your "to do" list please `

notauniquename · 11/01/2015 19:46

I can sort of see both sides.
I can understand your exH's point that he shouldn't need to always contact his kids all the time, and that at ages 11-17 they should be able to decide how much time they want to spend with him, deciding their own independence and relationships etc... That can't absolve him of the need to show any kind of interest in his children though. And it more seems like he just doesn't want them, in putting the emphasis on them he can put the blame on them, and he can later say you turned them against him.

I can also see that it's be frustrating to feel left out the loop, or constantly have to chase updates.

But, given that he doesn't really seem to care all that much, it seems more like control than concern.

It's not you that's being unreasonable.

joanne1947 · 11/01/2015 19:58

Tell him that in future all contact must be via a solicitor and he must pay all the costs.
Why should he bully you. He did not bother to visit DS every day he was in hospital, ExH deserves nothing.

MinceSpy · 11/01/2015 20:08

Your son's are old enough to have opinions of their own and to update their father if they want to. I get that he wants to know things but the boys are old enough to do this themselves.

I'd stop enabling his controlling behaviour and not reply to his texts, email, calls etc. Make sure his contact details are on DS4's medical notes and then step away. You need to conserve your energy for your children. Hope DS4 soon improves.

CalicoBlue · 11/01/2015 20:15

I can understand how hard this is for you. He is obviously trying to control you still.

My solution to this would be to say that I am busy and don't want to get involved with his relationship with the kids. So you will email or call him once a week to update him. If anything urgent happens during the week you will let him know otherwise it will be once.

My ex was a bit like this in the first couple of years, would get cross if I did not tell him if one of the kids were off school sick. Now he has got over it and hardy gets involved at all.

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