Bloody hoarders - but I might be unreasonable this timeAaaw

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

Background - dh is a hoarder and it drives me mad. PIL are also hoarders but are much more controlled and don't see themselves as hoarders.

Got to go to a one year olds party today and asked dh if I could give a beautiful dress and jacket mil made for dd (now 4) to the one year old. I've been hanging on to it incase there was a forthcoming niece for dd who might want it but there isn't (and won't be - everyone has completed their family).

Dh has acted like I planned to give the baby a £500 family heirloom. He phoned mil who wants us to hang on to it as she put in a lot of time and effort into it.

I am the least sentimental person on the planet and can't see the point in hanging onto a dress that will never be worn again - makes more sense for a friend to have it.

So who is being unreasonable the hoarders or the unsentimental git aka me

I'd have to keep it , sorry .....

We have similar issues. I've kept a few special things per child (eg a hat here, a cardigan there) and for the others I've approached the giver/maker grandparent and said "Can't keep everything, have kept xyz, what would you like me to do with abc? Pass on, charity shop, give back?" Generally she has chosen for them to go to a named other person she vaguely knows eg my godson, rather than to people unknown via the charity shop.

I think OP should keep the dress in a vac bag in the loft but warn DP he can't expect to keep everything and needs to choose what's most special/memorable/emotional, or identify things while they're in use.

Then put the onus on him and MIL to name its next home - maybe her next door neighbour has just had a new granddaughter or something. In my experience hoarders manage better when their things are going to someone rather than just out of their own spaces.

Can you lend the dress, and see if he still feels the same way when it comes back?
I have lent out some of my DD (now 21) baby clothes and when they came back, those that were still special, i kept and still have, but I'm not a hoarder, so don't find it difficult to let go of things.

Thanks for all the replies. Dh has agreed that the dress (and all the other handmade things from MIL) will be sent back to her when dd has out grown them.

If it was just one dress I would keep it but she has at least half a dozen handmade outfits.

I think I would be slightly less ruthless if dh wasn't a hoarder. I feel like I'm in an ongoing battle to get rid of stuff.

I'd give it to charity and say it must have been mistakenly sent to a charity shop. You won't win an arguement with hoarders by using common sense or logic.

clean I am massively regretting asking dh. The one good thing about his hoarding is he isn't actually very clear on what we do have.
I've started getting rid of most items and he normally doesn't notice.

We are having a post Xmas disagreement about cardboard boxes - he wants to keep every bloody cardboard box for the kids toys I want it binned.

OP huge sympathy here for the stress of living with a hoarder. I find the whole notion of out-of-control hoarding massively strange and frightening and would struggle to deal with what you're coping with.

That said though I'm not a get-rid-of-everything type either...now that my youngest DS is growing out of things I'm either giving away or charity shopping the vast majority of clothes and toys BUT I have several things (a baby jumper knitted by my mum, a shawl crocheted by an aunt, a cuddly sheep made by my beloved nan) that I could not give away to anyone else even though it seems a waste to simply keep them in a memory box. My mum actually made lots of jumpers, cardis etc and I have actually given some of these away but kept my favourite. (My mum is also an immensely unsentimental non-hoarder type so had no issue with things behind given away).

So I would probably have kept MIL's handmade stuff, in a nice memory box type thing. But equally can totally understand your logic about someone else getting wear out of it.

The battle over cardboard boxes, papers etc though ...oh god, I couldn't cope. I would just have to bin it all and tell DH to get a grip. I would find that kind of attitude to stuff impossible to live with. Heaven help mine if he ever develops that kind of extreme hoarding tendency as I would have to divorce him!