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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off about dp's attitude towards our wedding/me in general?

49 replies

Seishan81 · 10/01/2015 09:23

We're supposed to be getting married May next year although nothing has been organised or booked yet. Dp openly admits that as his first marriage went sour he's not a big fan of marriage anymore but as he knows it's important to me, he'll do it got my sake. The rights and wrongs of that are a different thread altogether but anyway.

So we have just over a year to save up. I said I'd be happy with a quick , cheap registry office. He said he doesn't wAnt that and wants a bigger, posher do. Strange really considering he supposedly doesn't care about marriage anymore.

So anyway we've settled on a package deal at a nice venue, all inclusive (ceremony, reception, buffet, dj etc) for £1300. On top of that we'll obviously need to pay for rings, wedding licence, the bloke who marries you, cars and other extras.

The annoying bit is that dp has decided we're not to save any more than £50 a month. That saved up over a year doesn't even cover the package deal and he knows that yet says he's not prepared for us to save any more than that and it will 'work out' and I'm 'not to worry'.

We can easily afford to save more. We have around £300 spare each month after groceries and everything else but dp doesn't want to spend a year saving as he wants to 'enjoy' the spare money we have.

Aibu to think HE'S been unreasonable? I've said if he doesn't actually wang to get married he doesn't have to but he says it's not that, he just doesn't want to save more than £50 a month even though we can afford to!

OP posts:

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 10/01/2015 10:05

He doesn't want to marry you, it's not going to happen.

FightOrFlight · 10/01/2015 10:06

I wouldn't want to marry someone who clearly does not want to marry me

I'd shelve the wedding plans until he actively wants to get married. This sounds like a disaster in the making tbh.

MinceSpy · 10/01/2015 10:08

He doesn't want to marry you, sorry to be so blunt.

ZombieApocalypse · 10/01/2015 10:09

Good god. If someone wants to marry you, they want to do it wholeheartedly.

he's not a big fan of marriage anymore but as he knows it's important to me, he'll do it for my sake

This, along with his other avoidance strategies tells you everything you need to know. You should want to marry someone who wants to marry you, not someone who's doing it grudgingly and behaves as though he's going to the gallows.

Do NOT marry him, OP.

FishWithABicycle · 10/01/2015 10:16

If he's prepared to save £50 a month you have to work with an £800 budget. But I suspect his plan is that when you try to work with that, he will suggest postponing to summer 2017 so that there is more time for those £50s to add up.

It does sound rather like he doesn't actually want to marry you, sorry.

overmydeadbody · 10/01/2015 10:18

He doesn't want to marry you.

FunkyBoldRibena · 10/01/2015 10:18

Don't marry this man! Put the money in a savings account for you when you need it.

Notnaice · 10/01/2015 10:19

I'd be worried about the fact that he's not worried and thinks it's ok to go into debt. Presumably that is how it will end up being paid off?

If this is his attitude, it will extend into other areas of your relationship. He wants a new car but isn't willing to save for it, and so on.

It's a much bigger issue than just the wedding.

SaucyJack · 10/01/2015 10:34

Agree he doesn't want to get married.

If he wanted the marriage rather than a glorified dinner party (wedding) he'd do it at a registry office.

Notnaice · 10/01/2015 10:40

He obviously doesn't want to get married except to pacify the op, but we don't know that he is deliberately sabotaging it. Lots of people do not mind getting into debt and getting into debt is a normal way of funding it.

Either Deliberately sabotaging it, or being willing to get into debt rather than put yourself out a bit to save, are both red flags and should worry the op.

Notnaice · 10/01/2015 10:41

Sorry normal way of funding things they want.

BlackbirdOnTheWire · 10/01/2015 10:50

Sorry, OP, I agree with PPs. He doesn't want to get married. More importantly, he doesn't want to work with you for anything you want and prefers to think short-term rather than long-term. My DH's approach to this would be: ok, we have £300 spare per month. If we put all of this towards a one-day event, we will probably be very miserable in the months before. How about we reserve £75 per month for fun, and put £225 a month into a wedding fund, then get the best we can afford for that amount?

Although actually, knowing my DH, he would keep out £50 for fun, £150 for the wedding and the rest would be in an emergency fund for boiler/car/washing machine breakdowns that could be dipped into at the time of the wedding assuming it hadn't been used!

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 10/01/2015 10:59

He clearly doesn't want to get married he's agreed to keep the peace but as far as the act of marrying you is concerned he's stringing you along.

I suppose it depends how much you are both willing to compromise to decide if you're right for each other but personally I would never marry someone who is only doing so "for my sake". Lots of marriages end in divorce but I'm guessing the odds are really stacked against you if you don't marry for the right reasons.

Pandora37 · 10/01/2015 11:31

I can kind of understand why he doesn't want to have all his savings going towards a wedding but it is his decision to have a posher do....difficult one. I think he's either still very unsure about getting married so is using delaying tactics or he's not very financially responsible if he thinks it will all just magically work out. Neither option are great really. Who suggested the May date?

I think you will have to sit down with him and say these things:

1.) The proposed saving level will not be enough for the wedding he wants so you will have to have a registry office do. If he protests, ask him how exactly he is going to come up with the money in time. Get him to go through all the finances with you. I hope I'm wrong but I do get the feeling he'll say oh well, we'll just have to postpone it.

2.) Ask him exactly why he wants a bigger wedding. Is it because that's what he thinks he should have? I do think it's telling that nothing's been booked yet. Suggest actually booking it and see how he reacts.

3.) That he needs to be completely honest with you and that if he doesn't want to get married now is the time to say so.

TheFecklessFairy · 10/01/2015 12:10

You know women can be registrars too, right? hmm what with it being 2015 and all.

And that is being helpful........how? Are we to put him/her bloke/woman his/hers in every post now?

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 10/01/2015 13:47

Fairy, person is a really short, multipurpose and useful word.

hopingforamiracle · 10/01/2015 14:16

and this is why I can't be bothered with men anymore!

firesidechat · 10/01/2015 15:48

But they aren't all like the op's partner by any means. I was engaged to my husband after 3 months of dating and we were married 3 months later.

My son in law married my daughter with barely a whimper.

Lots of men want to be married and have a family with the person they love. We tend to hear about the losers on here.

ZombieApocalypse · 10/01/2015 17:44

I can imagine few things more soul-destroying than planning a wedding with someone who says he's only getting married to do you a favour.

paperlace · 10/01/2015 17:49

I'm really sorry that you are in this postion (and sorry that the tone of some replies on here are bafflingly dismissive, even scathing) - it does seem his heart's not in it

I think you need to have a serious conversation and really really listen to him and watch his body language.

I've got a good friend who married 18 months ago. Her dh didn't want to, he was divorced. They are now getting divorced themselves.

Wormatthebottomofthegarden · 10/01/2015 18:11

He doesn't want to get married. The fact that he won't save enough for your wedding makes it obvious.

expatinscotland · 10/01/2015 18:18

He doesn't want to get married. Why on Earth do you want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry you? You deserve better than that.

ApocalypseThen · 10/01/2015 18:20

I don't say this to make you feel bad, but just to clarify things. When we got married, it was because it was what we both wanted. We agreed the venue, type of wedding, budget and date easily. We both made the plans we needed to make. I didn't have to drag him into anything because he wanted it too. And that's how it should be.

Tobyjugg · 10/01/2015 18:37

He's already said he doesn't want to do it. What on earth do you have to gain by making him do something that he really, really doesn't want to do.

I read his behaviour as saying he hasn't got the guts to say "No" outright and is hoping he can kill the idea by degrees.

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