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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ell him that housework is one of the main reasons I'm going?

59 replies

tigermoll · 09/01/2015 15:42

Can't work out if this is a bad idea or a necessary one:

I have recently split very amicably from my partner of nearly 6 years. We lived together for three of those years, and housework was an ongoing issue for me. He was the classic 'doesn't see the mess' type, and I kept going through the same cycle over and over again:

Decide to leave it - don't be a martyr, etc
Find it hard to relax in disgusting house/run out of dishes or space/someone is coming over, so I clean up
Get cross and talk to him about it - he doesn't care if it's messy or not, I should clean it up if it bothers me, gets upset that I am criticising him.
I feel naggy and resentful - how come it's always me that cleans up, maybe I should be more laid back, his way is just as 'right' as mine, etc
Decide I hate being the 'naggy wife' more than I hate the mess, so decide to just leave it again.
Repeat from start.

So we split up at my suggestion, but with his full agreement for other reasons - we just didn't see ourselves together as a long term couple. I didn't mention the housework at the time, but if I'm honest, it was a major factor. I just didn't want my life to forever involve cleaning up after a lazy manchild.

Since the split we have continued to co habit while I look for another place, and I'm moving out next week. So my question is, should I ruin the peace of our final week by bringing up housework for one last time, or should I just leave it? What if it sabotages his next relationship as well - do I owe it to him to give him a heads-up?

OP posts:

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/01/2015 16:54

You've already told him, whether he listens is up to him. Stop mothering him already!

Original poster

tigermoll · 09/01/2015 16:54

Why did I move in with him, despite the manky toilet?

He was (and is) loving, kind, funny, handsome, trustworthy and interesting.
I assumed that we would be able to reach a compromise.
At the time, I thought that his positives outweighed his negatives
I didn't like to think of myself as the sort of person (for that, read 'woman') who was going to have to nag her partner to clean all the time.
It didn't seem worth it to chuck away someone who I was mad about for something as (seemingly) trivial as housework - I didn't realise that it was not going to improve AT ALL, nor how down and unappreciated it would make me feel to be surrounded by mess all the time.

I cleaned the toilet because I didn't want to live with a filthy toilet. It was only me that was bothered, therefore it was only me who cleaned it.

OP posts:

wobblebobblehat · 09/01/2015 16:59

What will it achieve? He isn't going to change.

Leave on good terms. With any luck he will find another slob and they will live together as happy as pigs in shit...

Birdsgottafly · 09/01/2015 17:01

If I was ill (LP), which did happen any one of my three children, including two with SN would of been capable and would of wanted to have a clean toilet.

You've been blinded by live for this disgusting human being.

Mess, dust is a standard we set for ourselves, but a toilet in that state is a health hazard and unless you have depression etc, your self esteem/pride wouldn't allow you to house a toilet in that state.

He has had no respect for you.

Birdsgottafly · 09/01/2015 17:01

"Blinded by love"

expatinscotland · 09/01/2015 17:03

I wouldn't leave it. Who gives a fuck about his next relationship. Not your problem. Just tell him, 'I can't live with a pig.'

It's hardly selfish to expect not to skivvy after someone or to expect them to pull their own weight towards a basic level of hygiene.

But then, I dumped people who were pigs long before we moved in. If their flat, house or car was a tip, after the first time I saw it, I cut things off. No chance to 'fall in love' or take things further, pigs were dealbreakers.

expatinscotland · 09/01/2015 17:06

' I assumed that we would be able to reach a compromise.'

Big mistake. Don't make it again. I even cancelled a date when the guy came to pick me up and his car was utterly bogging. I mean, RANK. He was already 32-years-old. Boak. I said I wasn't getting in that piece and not going out with someone who found that acceptable.

Get some standards.

Original poster

tigermoll · 09/01/2015 17:09

It's definitely a lesson I'm going to take forward into any future relationships - I know now that I am made miserable by someone whose standards of cleanliness don't roughly match my own. I don't want to live with a neat freak, but I do want someone who goes less than a year between hooverings, no matter how kind and funny they are. Eventually, it'll get me down and I'll start to feel tense and resentful.

OP posts:

kalidasa · 09/01/2015 17:10

I wouldn't bother now, unless he actually asks for a grand analysis (and even then, maybe better to leave it). If you stay friends there may come a point somewhere down the line where he is in a new relationship and asks your advice or for your opinion on what went wrong between you. You could at that point say how much this got to you, and that it is worth him being aware of it as a possible 'issue' to thrash out with a girlfriend at the start - and either commit to doing/'seeing' more or make sure he is with someone who is equally unbothered. I think if you have both truly moved on exes can be great for perspective of that kind, but it's not very common to reach that point, and will certainly take a while. But it matters not just because it was a personality clash that made you feel stuck and resentful, but also because it sounds as if it cast you in a more 'parental' role which long term is pretty damaging for the health/chemistry of a partnership so something he should want to avoid repeating. Obviously you won't want to be in that situation again either but it sounds as if you have learnt your lesson!

expatinscotland · 09/01/2015 17:13

'Everyone needs to get trained by someone. Most women get trained by their mothers, but most men I know ended up getting trained by a girlfriend who they are no longer with. She trains him, the relationship suffers, he moves onto the next one but this time knows he has to do the cleaning'. '

Bullshit. It's not anyone's job to train another adult. Not your problem. You can another whose house or car is a tip or whose mum is skivvying for him, you just don't go on a date/another date, no matter how funny they are.

Fuck that. Grown ups take reasonable care of themselves and their abode/things.

BerylStreep · 09/01/2015 17:23

I wouldn't say anything.

Just be glad you are moving out soon.

Original poster

tigermoll · 09/01/2015 17:26

Bullshit. It's not anyone's job to train another adult

I agree - the job of 'training' should be done by a parent to a child. I don't think my friend was saying that this is how things OUGHT to be, or that it should be the woman's job, he was pointing out (regretfully) that this is the reality for many people/men.

As a kid, I certainly didn't "naturally" realise what jobs needed to be done and how. My parents (both of them) spent years gradually increasing my areas of responsibility for myself and the house until, by the time I was an adult, I could do a reasonable job.

My XP didn't get that training. And he isn't going to magically train himself. But you are all right - not my problem any more.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 09/01/2015 17:30

'he was pointing out (regretfully) that this is the reality for many people/men.'

Not at all, perhaps for slovenly, immature people.

And plenty, plenty of people have grown up without being trained by their parents and manage to puzzle out to keep and attain basic standards of hygiene and cleanliness. It's not really higher-level physics.

AnnieLobeseder · 09/01/2015 17:34

I left home not knowing how to cook or clean. I figured it out. It wasn't rocket science, and I'm not a pig, so.....

Original poster

tigermoll · 09/01/2015 17:36

It's not really higher-level physics

No, I agree it's not exactly a lot to ask. BUT this is why parents are forever on at kids to brush their teeth, tidy their rooms, do their chores etc. It's instilling good habits for adulthood, because these AREN'T things that come naturally along with reaching eighteen years old.

I think we're in violent agreement here - a halfway decent adult should be able to keep themselves and their environment reasonably clean.

OP posts:

AnnieLobeseder · 09/01/2015 17:38

.... so I would say it's not about whether someone leaves home knowing how to keep a home clean, it's about whether someone leaves home thinking that keeping their own home clean is their own responsibility, or whether they think they should get a free pass based on their genitalia.

Shakey1500 · 09/01/2015 17:43

The part of me that sits atop the sensible, adult, highground wouldn't bother saying anything.

The childish part of me would let rip. And I'd calculate how many days till leaving and ensure that I'd timed it right to use the last clean plate on the last day and similar

MinceSpy · 09/01/2015 17:44

The trouble with bringing up what you see as his faults is that you may get a few home truths thrown back at you. Why bother your moving out in a few days.
You ended the relationship because of his untidiness but he was equally happy to call it day as well. Neither of you were happy so just move on.

stouty · 09/01/2015 17:53

You didn't mention your employment status(s),? If you work full time and do all the housework then you are not BU. If your partner works fulltime and you are unemployed then you are being BVU.

I am surprised at some of the responses above without knowing this info, surely the split on housework would be dependant on who works, who doesn't etc

ImperialBlether · 09/01/2015 17:53

OP, you said, "I cleaned the toilet because I didn't want to live with a filthy toilet. It was only me that was bothered..."

But that was your biggest clue. You were bothered about it and he STILL didn't clean it. Your desires were secondary to his right from the start.

justmyview · 09/01/2015 18:01

I wouldn't bother telling him. You've done well to negotiate an amicable split. Why compromise that and make your last few days together difficult?

JapaneseMargaret · 09/01/2015 18:08

stouty - given there are no kids on the scene, I think everyone has naturally worked on the assumption that both (ex)-partners work, and so both are responsible for maintsining a clean and tidy home.

Even when one partner is a SAHP, I think in enlightened times, this doesn't mean the SAHP is a total skivvy, and the WOHP doesn't lift a finger...

expatinscotland · 09/01/2015 18:21

'If you work full time and do all the housework then you are not BU. If your partner works fulltime and you are unemployed then you are being BVU.'

The OP also mentioned that she was away for a week for work and came back and the toilet was pebbledashed to all hell with streaks of filth even outside the bowl.

ouryve · 09/01/2015 18:23

Quite, Margaret. DH works full time, but is now running the boys their baths and will wash the dishes before he has his own. I'm putting my feet up for half an hour after cooking, even though I've been home all day (and the only dusting I've done is the inside of my overheating laptop). The days of the patriarch being fetched his pipe and slippers are long gone.

ImperialBlether · 09/01/2015 18:28

expat, the OP said she'd been away for a few months, which makes the whole toilet scenario even more grim.

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