To want to start ttc in these circumstances?

[Charlie255]

I've name changed as I know I'm being ridiculously unreasonable but I need you lovely, straight-talking lot to slap me back into reality. Apologies this is long, I don't want to drip feed.

DP and I are getting married in December and are trying to delay ttc until after the wedding. But I'm sooo broody and so is he. Part of me just wants to say sod it, let's start ttc and if it happens long before the wedding, we'll just move the wedding forward - the money is already in a savings account so it's not like we don't have the money. It's not just me who has these thoughts, DP feels the same. DP has a son who's 5 who I love to bits and we both dislike there's an ever increasing age ago between him and our future DCs.

I'm currently doing a masters which leads straight into a phd - grade permitting obviously. I think it'd be so much easier being pregnant now and taking maternity leave before I start the phd or shortly after I've started before I fully get into things rather than further along. I worry that if we wait until we're married I'll have to take maternity leave when pregnant and have less time with baby as my phd is in the sciences. My research council is such that I get paid 6 months full pay and then can have up to 6 months unpaid too with the option of going part time.

But the problem is, (or more accurately are) we live in a tiny flat and would struggle to fit baby's stuff in too so would need to move beforehand. DP works (very) part time, is looking for more work but is yet to find anything and he's also in college. He's currently torn between going to uni in September or finding a more full time job. If he goes to uni there's always the option of OU. We can't drive which makes picking up DSS difficult enough let alone trying to get around with a newborn too. In theory I could learn when ttc / pregnant - I say I rather than DP because I've already had several lessons (about 20hrs I think) whereas DP would be starting from scratch and so it would cost more. But at same time it would be far easier financially to learn before wedding then we have however long it takes to ttc plus 9 months to save up more for baby.

I suppose the most important reason for delaying ttc is the fact I'm on anti-depressants. However, part of me thinks I'll still be on them come the wedding - I've been on and off them for the last 4 years so it's probably wishful thinking saying I'll be totally off them come the end of this year.

Sorry this is so long. I think I just need someone to tell me just how unreasonable I'm being tbh! Being broody sucks when it's better not to act on it - as I'm sure many of you are all too aware of.

I don't think you should yet. You are only 24 and the pros seem to outweigh the cons.

For what it's worth, for me the PhD was a great time to have a baby. It offers 6 months full stipend and flexibility when you return after maternity leave (or, at least it did for me in the social sciences). If you're worried about finances, try to do a bit of work before you give birth, so that you qualify for (a bit of) maternity allowance as well - because the stipend doesn't count as income, you can get both. My partner was studying when I had my baby, and although I'd have liked him to have had a stable job, it was actually much better to have him home - we had a lovely newborn time because no one was left holding the baby all day. If you are doing enough hours of paid work, you might also qualify for working tax credits after you go back to work - because the stipend doesn't count as income, you'll be on what is seen as a very low wage.

I am now pregnant again during my post-doc and am finding it much harder to 'fit in' this time round...

Good luck

If I were you I'd wait.

We're around the same age as you,
except we are married, both in stable jobs and own a house. We're both incredibly broody but still choosing to wait because we know career progression will be harder with kids.

Will you still be able to go onto phd if pregnant.
what happens if you are pregnant and don't get onto the PhD?
Once on the PhD it seems a secure time to try however moving house will be an extra stressor. PhD are massively hard for well motivated people at the best of times add in depression or stress of coming off medication this could be hard. Did you or Dr keep Trying to take you off in the past.

I think the wedding is a red herring it is all the other circumstances
none of us can really comment about you and the ADS maybe your Dr can.

from experience don't wait for an ideal time in careers to appear as it may not during your PhD sounds best if everything else is sorted.

good luck

I think it will save you so much stress if you wait until one of you has steady permanent employment. You want to enjoy the baby not be stressing over whether you can afford to put the heating on for it.
Also you're really quite young, you're my age, I'd take the time to enjoy it and your DP. Get your driving licence ASAP, so your insurance is lower when you have baby.

You're being given bad out of date advice about anti-depressants. Doctors no longer say that you shouldn't take anti-depressants at all when ttc or pregnant, there are some that will be prescribed throughout pregnancy now. You should discuss it with your GP rather than depending on advice from here.

If it were me I wouldn't ttc yet. Between now and your wedding, learn to drive, plan the wedding, and get dp to find full time work doing whatever he can to strengthen your finances so you can afford a family home. That is plenty for you to achieve over 2015. Then ttc at a time that fits in with your studies. But bear in mind that pregnancy is exhausting from day 1 and your brains may turn to mush. I was in a professional career and booked a place on an exam just before I found out I was pregnant with ds1. Almost overnight I was incapable of sleeping at night, and because of the insomnia I was a zombie by 2pm and needing a nap (as I could work from home I managed to give into my body and have this nap most of the time) and every time I tried to study the exam material I could not take it in and revision was futile and I didn't sit the exam (i had never failed an exam before and am highly intelligent and was always dedicated at work before pregnancy). And then when the baby arrives, you are just as tired and barely get any time to do anything in between feeding, burping, clearing up sick and wee and poo, and then when you wean each mealtime can take a lifetime to get through and you can't even leave the room to have a wee without the baby screaming and it can be incredibly stressful just to get up, get showered and get fed each day, never mind housework, never mind doing a phd at the same time. Don't get me wrong, having a baby is the best thing in the world but it is hard work and it would be easier and more enjoyable if you can get the phd done before the baby, if at all possible, although as someone who doesn't have a phd I don't quite understand whether the work load is constant throughout or not? Is there really a time where you could ttc without the ttc affecting the phd or without the phd affecting you being able to look after your baby?

I don't think the wedding element matters at all.
I do think at least one of you should have a job though!!!

Ps a wedding is far more enjoyable if you can have a drink, and don't need to worry about looking after a baby during it, and can wear a dress of choice that fits rather than being limited to a maternity one. I got married whilst still breastfeeding ds2 and was a nightmare, boobs change shape during the day because of your milk volume, and he didn't feed enough that morning so I had to express and dump milk so I could fit into the dress, and keep leaving the reception to feed him and then we had to incorporate their bedtime routines into it all, and the mealtimes to fit their schedules, and then add on the amount of time the photographers wanted us for photos, we felt like we barely saw some of our guests, would have been easier and more fun if we'd got married before we had children, but we just couldn't afford it back then.

With regards to the long term use of anti-depressants, have you thought about counselling/therapy? I say this speaking as someone who wishes to god that I had worked on my mental health issues (arising from a traumatic childhood) before I had DC of my own. I had issues long before I had DC but they bit me in the ass big time afterwards (severe anxiety). I am not saying you are the slightest bit similar to me but if there's one thing I would advise on it's that!

DH and I were 28 and 25 respectively, home owners, car drivers and relatively well established in decently paid careers when we had DC1 and it was so hard especially with no family support. We have muddled through and now have 4DC but good mental health is so important when embarking on parenthood and everything else including finances/employment depends on it IMO.

You should definitely wait until at least one of you has a full time income.

It sounds like you have an idyllic life in the making here; education, a lovely wedding (paid for), a career and then DCs

Why risk it? I know accidents happen, and it is certainly possible to have a baby while studying, but it is far from ideal.

Also, remember that life is long - what is the point in running yourself ragged and not enjoying an of the above when you can progress through them, stopping to smell the roses as you do so?

Thanks all, think we'll just see how things go over the next year and then rediscuss nearer / after wedding. I'm teetotal so being able to drink or not doesn't really make a difference but can appreciate that being a consideration for someone who does. Hadn't even thought about breasts changing so that's definitely a good point!

bubblegirl I'm actually seeing a counsellor on Saturday. I've seen one before but was an undergrad at the time (was a few years ago now) and had my final exams coming up so she stopped the counselling and I didn't get back into it after graduating. I got told today I've got to stop "pussy footing around the issues and go see the counsellor".

In all honesty, if you are still on anti-depressants, surely your not ready for a baby? Coming off them will be hard, add to that pregnancy hormones and post birth hormones plus sleep deprivation = a recipe for disaster. Please work on yourself and your MH problems before bringing an innocent child into this.

hoping - I get where you're coming from, but something like a minimum between 10-20% of people experience depressing/MH issues in their lifetime, are you really saying none of them are fit to be parents as they are dragging an 'innocent child' into their issues?

Having said that, the counselling sounds like a great move - what's your uni MH services like? I went to counsellors at both my unis, and each time have found them absolutely amazing. They also have the bonus of being totally free, which much shorter waiting times than NHS services.

I'm of the opinion everyone can benefit from counselling! and the silver lining of MH issues is they give you an opportunity to /force you to explore your beliefs and insecurities, and develop a sense of self awareness along with the tools to manage in difficult situations.

OP, I think getting the wedding out of the way, working on anything else during that time and reviewing in a year sounds like a very good call.
Also, you'll be much better placed to judge how pregnancy/a baby might effect the PhD once you start.

Time is on your side, and as a PP said, you have all the makings of a happy, fulfilling future, so no rush :)

ALSO - for further PhD inspiration/info, check out this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/student_parents/a1616175-Any-PhD-Students-Fancy-A-Mutual-Support-Thread

How long have you been together? I only ask because the potential "mix" if you go ahead now- coping with two children in a cramped space, inability to drive, juggling work/study and looking after baby, lack of decent income, funding/arranging childcare, plus sleep deprivation- would be an incredible amount of stress for even the most established and solid of couples. If that's the card you're dealt you often have to suck it up and get on with things, but you would be choosing to go down this route.

You also say that you're both broody; if you're still in a quasi honeymoon period then hold off. When I first met my boyfriend I was like, "get me preggo, I want your babies", but as time has gone on and I've seen him sit on the toilet with the door open there are other things I want to do before we become parents. Things like get a nicer car, buy a house, see a bit of the world, improve my career, see him get the wheels in motion for a career after he leaves the army. We could undoubtedly cope if I got pregnant now, but there would be a lot of things we'd both not have a chance to do.

Even if you've been together ages a lot of this still applies, especially if he intends on going back to education or retraining. Surely if he gets a decent full time job you don't need to worry about squeezing a pregnancy into your PhD period? You'd be alright for funds, you could do it in between contracts.

You're 24, don't be wishing your life away. Look after yourself and your health, finish your PhD, get married and one of you get a full time, permanent job. You'll be making it ten times easier on yourself.

Thank you so much perpetualstudent. I'll definitely check out that thread. I've used uni counselling service before but tbh it was never long enough to really get onto the actual issues - my one counsellor (who I paid for privately) said it was as if my problems were in a box inside another box inside another box, all of which have tightly wrapped chains and padlocks and I think she described it really well. it took me 8 sessions with her to even begin to spit out the real issues whereas uni counselling only give a maximum of 6. On the plus side I do get student discount with my private counsellor :)

thecraicdealer we've been together almost 4 years and living together for about 18 months now.