About SIL and DH birthday

[roalddahl]

Today is DH's birthday. A 'significant' one.

I booked the day off work some time ago - he is a SAHD and I thought it would be nicer for him to have some adult company on his birthday.

SIL (DH's sister) works hard and lives 20 miles away. She is younger, single and doesn't have children. We see her perhaps twice or three times a year which to me seems very infrequent. She has never babysat our DS who is 3.5 - nor offered to.

We have no other relatives nearby who can do this - PILs are not able. My parents live some 100 miles away. DM is disabled and DF is her carer so while they can visit they can't stay at our house as unable to use bathroom etc.

On DH's birthday last year, SIL announced that afternoon she was coming to visit. I came home from work and cooked for us all, then cleared up and put DS to bed whilst she went out with DH to the pub. Didn't offer any other solution. Or ask what we'd like to do.

She came to visit this Christmas Eve and announced that she had arranged the day off work to take DH out on his birthday (today). I mentioned that I had also booked the day off. She said great, let's all go out together to the pub. I explained that we couldn't take DS to the pub. He has Autistic Spectrum Disorder so is even harder to take to the pub than many other 3 year olds. She said, ok then - let's go to the zoo. DH says no, I don't like the zoo. And to be fair, DS is hard work at the zoo too!

DH didn't say no outright to SIL about going out for the day. But he didn't confirm any plans either. DH was particularly reluctant to drive over to hers as he has to do this tomorrow night also as it is FIL birthday and SIL has gathered her friends (not FIL's friends) to take him out for a meal - and asked DH to go too. I of course can't go as someone needs to look after DS - though they know this is hard for me as I am pregnant with placenta previa and not supposed to be lifting - difficult to avoid when bathing and putting to bed a non verbal autistic 3 year old.

SIL also texted me to say don't get DH a cake, I have got one.

At short notice, my parents offered to drive the 100 miles to our house just for the evening, today, to babysit DS so DH and I could go out for a meal together. We'd really really appreciate this as we last went for a meal together last February - we have few babysitting possibilities and a particularly hard to look after DS.

And mutual friends of DH and I arranged to pop over at lunchtime to wish DH a happy birthday.

So DH has popped over to SIL's for a couple of hours this afternoon for a coffee. He doesn't want another pub lunch when he ate dinner out with a friend yesterday and is going for dinner with me tonight and SIL, FIL and friends tomorrow night.

I am a bit narked by my SIL - it feels like she has tried to take over DH's birthday with no consultation or consideration. We have tried to slot her in as best we can around some things we'd like to do.

But I have a nagging feeling IABU to be narked. It's not my birthday after all. AIBU?

YABU.

Its his birthday, let him decide! You sound busy aren't you relieved she has sorted his cake for him?

On the other hand, what sane people want to sit in the pub all day? What an odd situation.

I can see why you desperately need a babysitter in your lives but if you want it to be your SiL you need to be totally up front with her, tell her what you want and explain what it would involve (building up a relationship etc). If she isn't interested then see if you can build up a relationship with a babysitting professional in your area - you do and will need 'couple time' in the next few years and I totally sympethise with how difficult it is for you to arrange that.

Bear in mind that very few young childless people appreciate the intricacies of life with children, and very few people altogether appreciate how hard it can be to parent a child with autism so you will need to ask for the support you need rather than wait for people to realise.

It's great she wants to spend time with her brother. Your post implies that you see relatives only as possible baby sitters, which I'm sure is not true but that's how it reads.

Her taking the day could have been dealt with as soon as she mentioned it, you or DH should have said you'd already made plans.

It does sound as though you're more pissed off with the fact she doesn't do the same for you as other sibling but that's one for your DH to tackle.

Anyway she only got him for coffee & you get a night out so enjoy.

I don't think she should have offered to babysit. SHe may not feel up to it, or just not want to, but it isn't obligitory for family members to babysit.

But I also don't think she should say "Don't get him a cake, I've got one".
"Would you like me to get him a cake?" or "I'd like to get him a cake" (with plenty of warning) is fine. OP could easily have already sorted that.
I'd have been tempted to text back something along the lines of "oh, that's a pity, can you take it back. Dh wanted his favourite-the XX cake I bake".

She came to visit this Christmas Eve and announced that she had arranged the day off work to take DH out on his birthday (today)

SIL also texted me to say don't get DH a cake, I have got one.

I think you have a point. Your SIL no doubt has good intentions, but she could approach this differently and ask about your dh's availability, rather than making assumptions and trying to organise him. The babysitting is a separate matter which she is not obliged to do, but the idea may not have crossed her mind. Nothing wrong with sounding her out to see if she can help in the future.

I'm hung up on the cake. Ringing someone's spouse (even as a sibling) to say 'Don't get a cake, I've done it' is pretty rude in my book! I'd have asked you if you minded. But I have to admit I like baking so I do get proprietorial about who does the cakes.

SIL isn't your only babysitting option- you mentioned DH has another sister.

Perhaps you meant she is the only single family member relatively nearby? Have you ever asked her to babysit? Maybe she thinks you don't want her to and is scared to offer?

Your OH is being the weak one here. Have you spoken to him about this?

Hope you had a fantastic meal out with your DH and that you DS had a good evening with his GP.

YWBU to ever expect your SIL to even offer to babysit. I wouldn't if I were her. . I also think you were a bit U to be miffed about her wanting to spend time with her DB. She sounds like she is not tuned into the whole being a parent scene but I can understand that. I was probably the same.

T

Pretty resounding on responses! I guess I worded it slightly wrong too. What I meant was I thought it was presumptuous of her to announce she had booked the day off and had plans for DH rather than say 'What are you planning for your birthday, I'd like to celebrate with you, what would you like to do?' But I see most people feel I'm being unreasonable.

I do tell her she is always welcome to come here and I invited her out with the girls for my birthday. We agreed that it doesn't work for us to visit her - she has 5 dogs and a studio flat which is not a good mix with an ASD toddler.

SIL2 has offered to come and babysit but I feel guilty taking her up on it - she works full time and her DH works away so with 2 DC she has a lot on her plate.

I should speak to the autism support people on what other help we can pay for - a private nursery told me they can't take him and state nursery can't either so a standard babysitting agency won't work.

And another SIL plan for DH. She told DH that she's buying a house that will need work and given I will be on maternity leave soon, that should leave DH free to do it up with her. DH did reply that we had plans for getting a bit of life back that year - and that it will take longer to settle DS into having a sibling.

Meal out nice and cake huge though!

I starting to understand your ire now. Charming of her to assume that he'd rather do up her house than spend time with his wife and new baby.

Do you or your husband have any friends who could offer to babysit?

I'm assuming that she was not aware you had booked the day off. If that's the case then she probably thought she was doing something nice for him so he wasn't alone on his birthday as you would be working.

Did the text actually say "don't get him a cake" or was it along the lines of don't worry about getting a cake

You say that she works hard, lives 20 miles away and babysits for her, more local, sister. She probably doesn't have the time to do a 40 mile round trip at night in order to baby sit for you to be perfectly honest. I can also understand her being reluctant to babysit if she doesn't know your son well and/or has little experience of special needs.

Whilst it would be far more expensive than paying someone local £5 an hour, you could perhaps use an agency worker (who has experience with ASD) occasionally so that you and your husband get some 'time out' with each other.

I think just off your first post, Yanbu. She is very presumptuous and rude. Why does she get to dictate what your husband does on his birthday? especially if it effectively cuts you out as it did last year.

I think she needs to hear 'no' a bit more. Hope DH puts his foot down about spending his family time doing up her house!

Glad to hear you had a good evening

1. I suggest you pop into the SN bit here t get some support.

2. You need to start making a fuss. Unfortunately its only when you start making a fuss that the necessary support appears (maybe) sometimes. Do mention the disability discrimination act etc. to nurseries. Make a fuss to the LA. Get info from them of Child minders etc. who can handle/have experience of SN. Find out what has happened with other children similar to your DS (your local NAS branch might be good for this).

3. Good luck!

4. I'd have been peeved too.

YANBU. If my sister said to me 'I've booked the day off for your birthday - I'm taking you to the pub all day' I'd be pretty annoyed. She should have checked if it was ok with your DH. You could have planned something already, like a night away or something.

I think it's up to your DH to preempt it next year. Re the cake, she was clearly trying to be helpful, but you might have already forked out for one from a bakery.

Seems like she's not very good at communicating.

However, YABU with the babysitting.

YANBU to expect her to discuss plans with you and your DH.