To Think Stepson needs therapy and a possible sectioning

[Daviddaddy]

Im new here i know I'm a dad but i think thats okay. I have seen threads on here but have never been a member. I would like to thank you for taking your time to read this I'm very grateful for all advice.

I will give you are background i have too sons aged 16 and (14 almost 15) from a previous relationship with my wife, they live with us full time and spend 1 night away every three weeks with their mum. I have 1 stepson who lives with us full time as his father sadly passed away 5 years ago due to a car accident. I have two little twins aged 1.

Stepson has a number of what i suspect as mental health issue. I believe stepson has a drinking problem, liquor and wine have gone missing in recent months and i have disposed of all alcohol to prevent stepson getting any drink. My son has caught stepson drinking in the park and told me. I believe stepson suffers from anorexia his weight is just over 8st and he is 6ft we went on holiday over christmas and you can see his ribcage and hip bones and he looks really thin compared to my son who is the same age (roughly). I want to help him through this and he needs support we have tried the gp but he refuses to go.

Any advice please David

I'm sorry if I have missed this but what is it that makes you assume it is your stepson who is taking alcohol and drinking in the park and not your own children?

The op is clearly concerned and trying to do the right thing, go easy on him.

Op it is very hard to give advice based on the limited information in your post, however you are clearly concerned. Have you discussed this with your wife? What does she think?

Maybe one of you could accompany step son to the gp if you do believe he needs support. Nothing in your post is reason for sectioning however.

You haven't said how old your DSS is, but I'll assume he's in his teens. A bit of drinking isn't at all unusual at that age. Do you have evidence that he is drinking to excess (drunk to the point of passing out or losing control of body functions or multi-day binges)? I know that what seemed like an 'excessive amount' of booze would disappear from my friend's house, but that was because she was supplying all of us as most of our parents didn't drink. So that bottle would be shared around with 8-10 friends & would amount to a few swigs apiece. Just drinking would be something that would concern me if he was 13-15, less so at 16+. But binge drinking or drinking + dangerous behaviour (driving, stupid stunts, risky sexual behaviour) at any age needs to be addressed.

As far as his weight, it does sound as if he's significantly underweight, depending on his build. Have you kept a mental note of how much he's eating through the day? Does it seem to be enough (even minimally enough)? Does he excuse himself right after meals & go into the bathroom for longer than it would take to wee? That could be a sign of bulimia. Or could he have a digestive disorder, such as GERD, IBS, Crohn's, or Coeliac? GI issues can cause someone to stop eating just because it causes pain or discomfort.

You need to start with a loving, nonjudgemental talk about how concerned you are about him. That you are worried that something is bothering him or that he may be feeling ill. Please don't raise the issue of 'mental health' or 'sectioning'. Then gently insist that he have a physical to rule out anything. Talk to his GP ahead of time and express your concerns. Then let him see his GP without you present so he feels more free to talk about what, if anything, is bothering him.

IM The OP But could not access original account

hi had a problem signing in on the account so made a new one and did not get password reset.

Stepson has just turned 15, watches his weight very carefully calorie counts skips dinner. His Bmi according to the calculator that i used is 14.89 which is underweight. Doctors he refuses to go and doesn't accept he has a problem. I know it was him with the alcohol as i have seen him drunk multiple times.

We have lived together 2 year 8 months and he has received counselling for his fathers death. He gets on fine with his younger siblings but not with my two. He has been on a downwards spiral in the last year.

I believe for his wellbeing he needs to be sectioned as he is refusing treatment i have seen his weight drop from 10.5 stone too 8 stone in the last 7 months and that is from not eating. He takes laxatives i believe you can buy them off the shelf. We has sweets, chocolate and crisps out over christmas but i have not seen him eat them once. My wife is justed as concerned however my little twin daughter has just been diagnosed with a bad condition and she is very upset with this as am I.

We have tried treatment routes talking to him but he hates me and he hates his mum. I have official adopted stepson and in no way want him off the scene.

Oh and thanks for the replies could i speak to someone about the tech thing with my old account.

He drinks regularly he gets hold of it from somewhere

oh gosh, he just sounds very lost poor lad

He's had so much upheaval in his life. Lost his dad, acquired a new step dad, two step siblings then move in his home (pretty unusual) and now there's baby twins.

I don't know what to advise. he clearly needs expert help - can the school suggest anything?

I know its not best to compare dss to my son but it gives you comparisons to what a normal 15 year old should weigh. dss is naturally skinny but i think he is definately got an eating disorder in fact I'm 100% certain of it.

Again i would like to thank you for all your advise it has been really helpful

School have not noticed dss behaviour since he is actually in the second set from top in his year. It isn't bad behaviour it is more like someone who is just a mess (i don't mean that nasty just can't think of a way to describe dss)

DaddyDavid - to contact Mumsnet re tech issue, just click the 'report' link below your last post and ask Mumsnet to help you.

have you asked the school if they are able to provide any support? a trusted teacher taking him aside and explaining people are concerned about him might help?

Having experienced mental health problems as a teenager, I would say the thing that would have made a big difference to me, is my parents taking them seriously and actively pursuing help and treatment for me.
Your dss mother does not sound to be in a place right now where she can make this a priority.
I think the first step I would take, if I were you, is to get in touch with someone like the organization below and see what their recommendations would be:
www.youngminds.org.uk/

The people dismissing your concerns are being unreasonable. He is very underweight, has poor relationships with the family and doesn't sound happy.
Is he in school or college?
I would share your concerns with the school nurse to see if someone outside the family can talk to him.
It is difficult to know if the drinking is teenage experimentation or an effort to deal with his feelings through drinking and therefore the beginning of a problem.
Also difficult to tell if he has an eating disorder or is a very skinny adolescent.
What is his general mood like? What is his attitude to food? Does he eat with the family? Any indication of induced vomiting?

I wouldn't be confrontational with him but do tell him you are concerned and want him to seek medical help.
It could be teenage problems but it could also be potentially life threatening mental health issues.
If he really won't go to GP go yourselves and tell GP what you have told us-particularly about weight.
Has he lost a lot of weight by the way?
Also if he is angry with you try to keep things low emotion-you don't want to get into a situation where he does things to "punish" you.

Thanks araella I willl

Yes-young minds has a parent's helpline which would give good advice.

Good luck. He's a fortunate lad to have you caring about him.

Drudgetrudy he drinks regular for some quite some time now and gets drunk a lot.

I second what Arabella has said. Too many teenagers are left adrift because it's supposed it is all just 'being a teenager'. It's not. OP could be describing my cousin, who was bulimic at 15 and began school refusing the same year, he is now an adult with severe mental health issues, unable to live alone or work. No one took action on his behalf through his teens, everyone decided he'd grow out of it and it was swept under the carpet. The outcomes could have been so different if he had been given the opportunity of accessing early intervention.

OP I am sorry you got such a hard time.

I think you are right to be concerned then. Talk to young minds and seek advice from your GP.
Its difficult because at 16 he has control over his own consent to medical treatment but even for an adult if people are putting themselves at serious risk you can seek advice,
GP and school nurse will respect his confidentiality and won't give you feedback but they should listen to you.
BEAT the eating disorders association may also help if you think he has issues with food.

I'd second contacting his school and asking for support. They should be concerned about his mental wellbeing not just his grades. Do they have some kind of guidance counsellors at school? If so, then I'd share your concerns with them and see if they can offer support, chat with your DSS and, with his consent, refer him for appropriate support. He might be keener to open up to an adult outwith the family especially if he feels they are empowering him to make changes.

It sounds like communication has broken down between him, you and your DW. If the school doesn't have a structure in place to support him then I'd see if there was another adult whom he trusts that could offer support eg another relative; a group leader (if he takes part in any extra-curricular activities).

The trouble I find is that if I or anyone else does anything to help him he lashes out on us. Especially my two sons who have showed a great level of maturity in all this.

The additional info indicates that, yes, he needs help. You say he 'refuses' to go. What will happen if you insist he go? We had to insist my DS2 go to a doctor at 16 and basically 'frog-marched' him there.

If he won't go, you and your wife should seek counseling to enable you to deal with his problems as best you can.

You are all in my prayers.

Then you ride the storm. He is lashing out, it's saying 'yeah do you really give a damn.' You are calm consistent and you take a little bit of gentle control. He feels out of control. Show him you can deal with this, are not scared off and help find ways to make things feel more manageable.

At 16 I was very ill mentally and also had anorexia. The psychiatrist came to see me (I had been living alone but had returned to my parents' home), and after talking to me for 4 hours he said that he would personally be taking me immediately to a psychiatric hospital, which was about 40 miles away. I clearly remember him saying "I'm not leaving you here with your mother a moment longer". I wasn't sectioned, I went with him voluntarily and it was the best thing that could've happened as I immediately felt safe there. I never returned to my parents home. I don't know who my parents contacted to get the consultant psychiatrist to come to my home, but I strongly feel that a similar course of action is required for your stepson. He sounds as if he is very ill and needs help a.s.a.p. If he won't go to a doctor, a doctor will have to come to him. This is serious.