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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go against DP's wishes regarding my hobby/sport?

50 replies

FfingFreezin · 05/01/2015 12:53

A few years back I trained in karate. Got quite high up the belts and then quit as my arsehole partner at the time got all jealous, insisted that the instructor fancied me, made it not worth the hassle going etc.

We split up (thank fuck) but I never did go back to karate and have regretted it ever since.

I'm now with another man, lovely on the most part, been together almost 3 years. He's always supportive of me going on nights outs and always encourages me to socialise, even offering to pick me up, drop me off, take my friends home etc etc.

So when I mentioned going back to karate I didn't think it would be an issue for him. He wasn't keen however saying that as we both work full time etc we'd never see each other - especially if I got all involved with the organisation like I did last time (officials courses, first aids, competitions, ferrying kids back and forth and basically babysitting at public events). I assured him that this time it would be a case of twice a week training, 4 hours a week max. He eventually agreed.

Since I went back however (to a different club) he's got all funny about it saying that I'm getting too involved again and that the instructor is too pushy with me and "seems to have other motives" I have always brushed it off but this wasn't helped last night when, after recovering from a rather steamy sex sesh DP and I were laid in bed at 11.45pm and karate instructor sent me a message (which came to my phone) asking when I'd next be training. It was a facebook message and I honestly don't think he realised it would come to my phone but anyway DP went mad saying that just proves it and now he doesn't support it at all. Awkward thing is I want to go tonight but DP is still pissed off.

What do you reckon, is it me being out of order here? I don't want to upset DP but I don't want to quit again either.

OP posts:

coppertop · 05/01/2015 14:09

The thing is, even if your dp happened to be right and the instructor did fancy you, why on earth should you be punished for that?

What if your dp decides next that your boss/neighbour/colleague fancies you? Are you supposed to give up your job or move house? Where does it end?

This part of your OP also leapt out at me:

"I assured him that this time it would be a case of twice a week training, 4 hours a week max. He eventually agreed."

Eventually?? It sounds more like a child who has to ask their parent for permission. It doesn't sound at all healthy to me.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 05/01/2015 14:21

I do occasionally get tempted to go to extra sessions but if I mention DP says no so I don't.

Do you have children OP?

If you do then I can understand that he wouldn't want you to go if it means he gets less free time/it intrudes on your family time. If you don't then it's up to you how often you train.

Like other posters I get the feeling that you've got into a relationship with another controlling man, it's just that this one is more subtle.

BOFster · 05/01/2015 14:21

It's ridiculous, isn't it, coppertop? If I had to avoid everybody who might fancy me, I'd never leave the bloody house.

notinagreatplace · 05/01/2015 14:56

I don't usually leap towards labelling something controlling/abusive but this all sounds very much like that to me. It wouldn't actually occur to me that my DH was entitled to give or withhold permission for me to do an activity.

You shouldn't be with someone who feels like they can tell you want to do. I also sort of think you need to work on your self esteem a bit in that it's concerning that you felt the need to convince your boyfriend, rather than just telling him it wasn't up to him to decide.

SoonToBeMrsB · 05/01/2015 15:00

Well instructors don't normally have you on FB or send personal messages so I think you may be too involved

The trainer who takes my bootcamp class has loads of us on FB and we message his wall or private message him with questions. I wouldn't say that this alone is weird.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 05/01/2015 15:04

I think it is very healthy for partners to have their own hobbies if they want them, however I do disagree with some of the comments saying 'I will do what I want when I want' when you have a full time job, home, children, hobbies and a relationship. If you dedicate most of your time/focus to a hobby, then one or more of the other categories can suffer.

If you are only doing two sessions a week, doesn't sound like you are over-committing. However, if for example you have other hobbies as well and are also regularly out with work/social/other, you may not be spending much time together anymore and this is being highlighted to you?

notinagreatplace · 05/01/2015 15:13

Shakes - I think, for me, it's the tone that makes this so concerning. My DH might say (though he never has) something like, "I really miss spending time with you, can we make some more time to see each other?" but he would absolutely never say "You're not allowed to do that hobby, I don't agree to it". The OP's boyfriend is much closer to the latter.

Ragwort · 05/01/2015 15:19

He sounds very controlling, my DH and I have totally separate hobbies and interests (which involve a lot more than 4 hours a week ) I wouldn't dream of telling my DH that he couldn't spend the whole of Saturday going fishing or whatever he wanted to do. I would be grateful to have the time to myself - doesn't your DP have any hobbies or interests of his own, he sounds very needy as though you have to be his sole source of 'entertainment'.

You are two adults in an adult relationship, if he can't cope with your hobby tell him to find someone else who is dull and doesn't have any interests.

I personally find the FB thing a bit odd but that is probably because I am not at all into technology and don't use FB so it's probably perfectly normal to send messages via FB for a lot of people.

JudgeyHotPants · 05/01/2015 15:30

It's certainly not unusual for people who have a hobby or do a sport to be friends with the coaches etc on FB. I play a sport and everyone in the group communicates via Facebook.

googoodolly · 05/01/2015 15:43

I think it really depends on other circumstances. Do you do lots of other things that mean you don't spend much time together, or is it just the karate he has a problem with?

I don't agree with the people saying "nobody will tell me what hobbies I can do and how long I can do them for!" because I think relationships involve compromise, especially when you live together or there are children involved. DP, for example, could eaasily spend all his free time on his hobby but he doesn't just go out and do it whenever, because it impacts on me (and our time together). I think adults in relationships need to compromise and sometimes hobbies/free time do need to be discussed with your partner first, especially if you need the other person to be home to watch the children or whatever.

So, the question is, is this one thing in a long line of controlling behaviours, or is this hobby one in a long line of them and your DP feels he doesn't spend enough time with you? Only you can answer that honestly.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 05/01/2015 15:56

notina

I'm not sure I've taken the same tone from OP's posts though. If she's being doing her two sessions a week and that's it, then his behaviour seems off, I would agree. OP has said he has mentioned 'getting too involved' and 'instructor being pushy' but there's nothing in the posts that explains what incidents have provoked these reactions. OP has stated how her partner is lovely and has been otherwise supportive of her social activities, where presumably there has been men about, so it seems a bit odd to be singling one man out now. My martial arts instructor will email me occasionally but that is normally if I have missed a few sessions, maybe that's happened?

Seems to be a bit of info missing for me before I could cast him as being a control freak in a 3 year relationship that's gone well so far.

BreakingDad77 · 05/01/2015 16:35

The silly man in me would wonder why people messaging so late.

grimbletart · 05/01/2015 16:42

maybe there are men who don't like to think they are with a woman who can clearly take care of herself….

arethereanyleftatall · 05/01/2015 16:45

A partner telling me what I can or cannot do with my time would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

DrDre · 05/01/2015 16:52

He sounds really unreasonable. My wife goes to loads of activities at our gym without me there. Shock horror, some of them are run by a male instructor who she gets on well with. I have no problem with that at all. I think it is a bit weird if a couple spend all their time together outside work - you need to do something for yourself.

Stillnoidea · 05/01/2015 16:55

It sounds to me as though your DP is the unreasonable and overly jealous one. Why can't you be in a relationship and do a sport at a high level of involvement? My DH spends a lot of time training for his sport but it's part of who he is. I think it's reasonable to ask you to fit it around other stuff if it takes up a lot of your time but not to stop completely.

LisaMed · 05/01/2015 16:58

OP - what would happen if you insisted on going to a girls' night out or to a friend by yourself and refused to be dropped off/picked up?

QTPie · 05/01/2015 17:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

TooMuchCantBreathe · 05/01/2015 17:13

Ok I think I agree with pp, your permissive dp sounds controlling to me - in a nicer way than your ex maybe but still.

Just out of interest why does he say no to extra sessions? Why do you comply?

Why was he worried about karate? You must have told him your ex had an issue of course but why did that translate into being a problem for him?

MyTeethAreChattering · 05/01/2015 17:18

To my mind there is only one correct course of action. Tell him you don't care whether the instructor fancies you or not because it doesn't make any difference to your behaviour, you are not a cheater.

Go to training.

If he genuinely thinks you would cheat, he needs to chuck you.
If he acted pissed off and gets angry but doesn't chuck you it shows that he just wants to control you, and you you should chuck him.
If he starts to behave like he trusts you then you've got a future.

Lilmissconcerned · 05/01/2015 18:50

A hobby is your own time to unwind, enjoy and socialise. It is because he doesn't have one... I hate unsupportive people. I'm guessing he wants you to just sit on the couch with him?

He should give it a go without, else find something he enjoys to fill the four hours training. Never give up a love for a hobby ... It's too easy. And I agree with others the trust issue is for him to deal with if he doesn't trust you then it's not much of a relationship xxx

MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday · 05/01/2015 19:40

My DH and I have totally separate hobbies... he spends hours (and days) cycling, he lives and breathes it. It don't. I do Taekwondo, train twice a week and am often the only female in a club full of fit black belt men!

He has never once commented on it, or whether I should or should not train..and we have four children between us, one of whom can't be left (teen but disabled) so we work it between us.. it's a total non issue for us to have separate sport time.

I would be seriously considering whether he was the sort of person I wanted to stay with. As long as you have any child care sorted if you have kids, he shouldn't be controlling your hobbies!

HolyTerror · 05/01/2015 20:10

Exactly what MyTeeth said. Plus I agree with others that dropping you off and picking you up from nights out is a form of control and monitoring, rather than generosity, when you put it together with the other controlling, jealous behaviour.

Pilgit · 05/01/2015 21:16

Absolutely go. My DH is a karate instructor and student and has loads of karare people on his face book. He is also socially Un concious enough to message people at stupid hours to make sure he had enough people to run a class (I'd suspect he was the culprit but he's between classes at the moment! )

You should not have to ask permission to do anything you want to do. At most it's a negotiaton to ensure you're getting equal down time. If you love someone you help them fulfil their goals and dreams - you enable you do not prevent. There are bigger issues here

TooOldForGlitter · 05/01/2015 21:34

My exh was like this OP. Especially the part about dropping me off and picking me
up from nights out. It was a gradual realisation I had that the dropping me off was so he could gauge where I was going, and who was there to meet me, for e.g. outside the restaurant or pub. The ever so kind picking up was so he could dictate the time I came home. Couldn't decide, this might is fun let's go on to another bar because he was collecting me at X time. Controlling. Why he's an ex husband...

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