Still missing old town/location after two years - would you move back?

[lillybee1]

We moved to a new city when I was heavily pregnant and I have missed our old place/town ever since. We moved here for husbands job. Our old place was near the countryside and now we are in a very built up city. I dislike it, no nice parks, no open spaces, a lot of concrete! And since our baby is growing up I feel quite depressed about living here. I want her to be running around fields, not being brought up in a crowded city. On a social level, I've made some friends but they are mainly related to baby since I am a SAHM & really quite boring/one-dimensional. In our old town I knew a lot of interesting and diverse people but haven't found that here. I have tried to meet other people but this can be difficult since I have a baby. I realised we have been here for 2 years now and I'm STILL really sad about leaving. Even when someone mentions it I get tearful. I know this is not normal but I don't know what to do. I have thought about moving back a lot. The problems are husband's job is here and he loves it and it's too expensive to move back to old town unless we started renting again. I'm just so fed up with changing towns all the time (we have done it for years) and want to be settled somewhere long-term in a place I like. At the moment I feel like I am in limbo. I'm quite confused and sad about things so wondered if anyone has been in this situation? Thanks.

I'd love to move back to where I came from. I've moved around so much over the last few years I've found it hard to make and keep friends for long enough and I really miss my old friends. I've talked about it with DH, but for now his work is here, and it would be very expensive for us to move back!

So no advice, just sympathies! It's something you have to work out between you & DH. Try to make the most of where you are now by getting to as many baby groups as you can to meet new people!

Yes, I would move back. We did this after spending two years a couple of hundred miles away from the place we regarded as home.

We are still back where we belong now and will never move away again.

Interstingly, we moved from a huge city (London) to the countryside (Devon) and hated it.

Home is where the heart is etc.

Thanks Coolcat2014 for your message. It's good to know at least someone is in the same position. How long have you been in your present town? The problem is my DH really likes it down here, almost doesn't take me seriously when I say our miss town, says I should try to meet more people here but honestly I've been trying my best - going to every group possible over the last two years. It was good and stimulating to begin with but now as most people have returned to work I'm started to feel isolated again and missing the surroundings and friends of old town just make it worse. Have you made some good friends where you are?

Can I ask where you moved from lily, it sounds lovely. Sorry, not very helpful! I sympathise too, is moving back in the medium term future something that might be possible? I know what you mean about the open space. We live in London and when we go and see family who live in the Kent countryside, I feel calmer and happier. Also can't believe that my Aunt goes to a health centre which is surrounded by green and has a big field opposite. I like London but it's the onslaught of so many people, as well as the cars, dirt, fumes and noise, which is stressful. And the endless rushing. I don't sound like I like it at all do I , but in our case our lives are rooted here for the moment, and in any case dh and I could never agree on where to move to!

Are there greener areas in the town that you currently live in that you could move to? Or villages just outside it?

He needs to take you seriously - more fool him if he shuts his ears to it because it's not what he wants the reality to be.

Two years is a long time. The only thing I'd say is that, as a SAHM, you have a distorted picture - or at least, there are two different pictures - he goes to work every day, part of his life is set up for him in that way - you completely rely on the town and carving out your own everything within it. Are you going to be getting back into external work? If so, you might want to wait until that's happened (although of course then it's harder again to move...)

Think hard about whether it really is situational - did you honestly love old town for itself - or was it where you lived when you were working in a great job/childless so had different lifestyle/something else?

You need to think very hard and to have a proper talk with him - a 'you need to listen to this properly, as I am seriously not happy' talk.

Thanks Mintyy - thanks for this. Not many people have actually said this to me and it's nice to hear. Most people say 'give it time' or 'it won't be the same if you move back'... Did you move back to the same location? How was it adapting back into things after being away?

whatnow2 - we moved from Cambridgeshire. Very pretty :) Yes the countryside does wonders. Are you happy to accept living in London forever then? There are nicer places in this city but way too expensive to afford anywhere else. I have thought about moving to a village nearby but then I think what's the point if I much preferred our older town to anything else?

Thanks TheyLearnedFromBrain. DH are going through a rough patch at the moment and I have started to resent him for a lot of stuff - not healthy at all but what to do when a person doesn't listen.. or does listen but refuses to accept what you say. Yeah he doesn't want to hear it because he's happy here in his job and doesn't miss our old town at all!

A great question and I've thought a lot about whether I miss old town or old lifestyle since a lot of people have said if I move back it won't be the same. I genuinely love our old town. So green, lots of things going on. I had a wide range of friends - not great friends - but interesting people that I haven't found down here. I was also a lot closer to my family.

In old town I spent years forming friendships and that time somehow seems wasted. It would take so long to build those types of friendships outside work/baby here. I know being a SAHM can give a narrow view point. And I have decided to return to part-time work, baby will go to nursery etc. But then if I spend time finding a job, going to work here and get baby used to nursery it will be even harder/more complicated to move back. It's a catch 22 because I could start a new job, invest a lot of time/effort/energy into meeting new people and see who I meet but at the same time I'll probably still be missing old town & surroundings and it will be even more years of living here in semi-sadness.

We're just wondering the same thing. I grew up in a village in Derbyshire, left to go to uni at 18 and haven't lived their since. I've moved in 9 different cities and 3 countries since then! Moved to a bit city in the SW nearly 2 years ago when pregnant and now expecting DC2. I love the city we're in and have made some lovely friends through NCT classes but the level of support etc just isn't the same as it would be at home. I have a big group of friends back home, 2 of which are expecting babies within a month of me. My parents are still there (mixed blessing!) and my extended family, and it's much cheaper to live. Still can't make my mind up though!

Totally sympathise. Desperate to move back to Surrey after years away. The feeling of missing "home" never goes.

Ha drbonnie, I am desperate to move out of Surrey! Mainly because of the drudge of commuting to London and the impact on health/family/relationships/trying to make friends. Local jobs not up to much here without specific qualifications.

op, realistically it might come down to finances, is it really so much more pricey to live in Cambridgeshire than your current location? To the extent that even with downsizing etc it couldn't work?

Would your DH have a long commute?

In the meantime a don't give up seeking friendships, just a couple of even news friendships can make a difference.

Hi lillybee, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. I totally sympathise. We moved to Dorset from Hampshire last year (only about 60 miles ) because we'd outgrown our house and couldn't afford what we 'needed' there. I was also desperate for our children (7&9) to have the rural upbringing I had.

We found a gorgeous cottage with more space in a lovely village and with a huge garden. And I hate it. all I want to do is turn the clock back, for the children to go back to the school they loved, where our friends are and where we were happy. My husband loves it here, although he now has to commute for an hour rather than 15 minutes.

I work from home and although I've already met some nice people just feel so isolated and lonely and so incredibly guilty for uprooting the children for a stupid dream.

I don't know if I'm just depressed and homesick or really don't like it here. All I know is I'd move back in an instant if it were just down to me. I don't even want to give it time or get settled as i feel so unsettled.

Have you made any decision yet about what to do? My plan of action is generally to sit and cry and do nothing constructive! !

I'm in Dorset too.
I thought it would feel like home as my dad has been here 30 years.
After three years, it doesn't though.
My 'home' is Wimbledon ;)

I've only realised that recently however. :)

We moved back in your position. The only difference was that we're financially better off here.

I'd move back only if you could afford it/jobs allow.

where I live now is strangely enough near where I was brought up (moved back here 5-6 years ago) and its perfect for young families, good villagey atmosphere, nice shops independents too... I couldn't imagine living anywhere else... however if I were to start a family I may be priced out or have to live where a partner lived. if i were to be at home though (SAHM) then parks, coffee shops etc would be top of my list of must haves.

so move if you can.

OP I guess this is an example of where you see as 'home', for most, where they've made good pals and feel rooted. I believe there is also a feeling that you've invested in that community.

I come from a popular west country market town... It is seen as a Cool, artsy place to live. There are loads of incomers seduced by the fantasy of west country living... It's not always congruent with the reality!

village nearby could be a good compromise if you can bus/bike/car ride into the town/city you miss and it's not too much hassle.

or buy a doer-upper house in the city and live in squalor!

when my parents were younger they bought a doer-upper house (working bathroom/kitchen though but like i say perfect location and near eg with car to their friends with DC in nearby towns.

I would say move where you can be happiest! Altho i see that's it's difficult to know at what point, you've given the new place a fair chance!

Ha Feinine - we did the opposite. Tried London for 2 years, realised we really missed Dorset and moved back!

tea funny isn't it.
It is beautiful here.
Children in great schools, reasonable job for Dh. So makes sense to 'bloom where we've been planted'
But my heart says otherwise. :)

I still feel homesick for the town I lived in longest, and I left there 13 years ago. It shaped who I am, so it's a significant thing.

I try to surround myself with it's identity instead now. I keep it's local paper in my Facebook newsfeed, stay in touch with old friends there, seek out paintings of the landscape and so on.

I'm consciously learning to like where I live now by seeking out little areas to explore and actively finding the good points, and appreciating that this is where my children have now put down roots so they come first.

But if my DP ever left me, and the children had flown the nest, I'm not convinced I'd stay here.
I'm here by circumstance, but making the best of it.
I'd move back to my hometown if that happened. Or maybe another place I've lived in that I loved.
But not a completely unknown place. So that confirms for me it's the memories I miss, and not the town.

Having said all that, you only get the one life, and whilst homesickness like grief cannot be overcome but can be handled with a little time, if something makes you intolerably unhappy, make the change. Make the neccessary sacrifices and make the change. You made a big sacrifice for your husband by leaving your life behind to follow him with his career, at some point he has to give back too.

You could afford to move back to your old town if the only obstacle is expense - you'd just have to consider if downsizing was A sacrifice you'd be prepared to make in order to live back there.

Be aware I've lived in over 22 towns, cities and hamlets though in my lifetime, so I'm not a sensible ambassador for homesickness or putting down roots .

Do you own your property in London? If so could you rent it out and use the rent to rent somewhere where you want to get back to? This would be less upheaval in the the short term - with no prohibitive selling/buying costs - you could then convince you DH that you wanted to try it out to see how you got on....

The environment where you imagined you would bring your children up is really important - it is also really important that you are happy. Happy Mum = Happy Children + Happy Husband = Happy Family.

Go for it -- start living the dream on line - looking at rentals etc, doing the maths etc

Important to make the best emotional decisions in life -- these are not always the best financial decisions...

We did, after a fashion - moved to DHs hometown (or nearby) and after 7 years of it, I'd had enough. I don't regret moving.

Hiya I read this post and had to reach out as it just resonates so well with how I am feeling now.
can I just ask if you are still living in new place or plan to return to the old town?
I grew up in Surrey and moved to barking then moved from barking back to Surrey but feel miserable. Like you I had a dream and after 13 years now that it’s happened it’s like I’ve made the worst decision ever… miss old friends and facilities of the area. The bigger house and open spaces just isn’t making me as happy as I thought it would! What to do! Lol…

Hi @macleash ive just come across your post, I’m in a similar situation to you having done exactly the same thing and was wondering what happened from 2015, did you persevere or move back? We moved from Bristol to wales and have the same feeling of guilt etc. kids are 9 &10 - wondering if I stick with it, will it get better in time

I sympathise so much with you OP, although I did the move the other way round (big city to small town). I couldn't stand to move back to the city after living somewhere clean and peaceful and surrounded by nature.
If it was just you, I guess you could move back and buy somewhere smaller or in a cheaper part of town. But your DH loves the city, so it's really hard. Perhaps it would help for the two of you to talk in a non-blaming way about what you both want out of your life, for yourselves and for the children. He may not really understand how much it matters to you.