AIBU to want parents to accept me as I am?

[nc2015]

Namechanged.

I live close to my parents so we see eachother a lot, and they are always commenting on that I'm 'different' now but its just silly insignificant things like if we eat out they'll comment on my meal choice saying 'I thought you'd have had x, you always used to have x. Are you sure you don't want x?' if we're shopping mum'll try t o have me try on clothes other than my picks by saying 'don't you like this? you always used to like this style of top/jeans etc'. When we redecorated our house dad commeneted that mum said she was surprised we didn't use a certain colour scheme at all because 'it's what i always wanted in my bedroom'. They'll mention the name of friends i've not been in touch with since school and comment that 'I'm surprised you've not stayed in touch, you were always so close'. Mum even said something like this about a boyfriend I used to have in front of my DH! If i do do something i 'always used to', one of them will say 'oh, it's so nice to see you getting back to your old self!' or 'it's nice to have the old you back'.

Problem is this things they do the 'always used to' with are things i may have done/liked when I was a child, and naturally i don't have the same tastes as I did when i was a child. My 'old self' is in the past and i'm tired of the nigglging and pressure to show the same likes and dislikes as child me had. If i comment on their comment and say people change etc, dad will usually repeat 'but you've ALWAYS wanted/liked x', and mum says thing like 'I don't feel like i know you any more" and 'what happened to my baby?'. They seem to be geniunely disappointed that my tastes and likes/dislikes changed, even though it's irrelevant things like what i choose to have to eat

i think they're upset that I am an adult now and that i haven't really stayed like I was when I was younger, which suppose i understand, but I'd like our relationship to reflect that and be more like one between adults and not parents pretending ther 'baby' is still a child. Most of our conversations are mum asking if I rememeber when certain things from when I was a child happened and I've started placaiting her and saying yes all the time even though no i don't remember most of it, as most people don't remember day trips as a 3 year old, because she gets upset if I don't remember things. i'm an only child which prob contributes, but I have a 2yo DD they see a lot, so if it was just missing having a child around, I thought being around her might've helped, but if anything its making it worse because they're starting to push DD to be like child me too, and she's her own person not a mini me!

I really want to ask them to stop and enjoy being with me not who i was when i was a child but i don't know how to do this without offending them. AIBU to want it in the 1st place? DH thinks I should let them be and he finds the things they say funny, which I see it could be to someone whose not having the comments directed at them, but It's starting to put real strain on the relationship as i come away from spending time with them annoyed and i don't want that - we have always had a great relationship,but they're stuck in the child/teenager years and it's not working.

seriously when I mentioned it my mum said 'well you always did do so well in school', like that has anything to do with it!

It seems for parents (my parents at least) their image of you get preserved in aspic at a certain age. My guess is that they still mentally think of me as about 14 or 15 - when I was old enough to establish distinct tastes in books, music and clothing - but not old enough to be an independent adult.

I think it is particularly acute as I moved to the other end of the country aged 18 and I am now 35, so inevitably through my teens and early twenties, my outlook, interests and tastes have changed but they don't see me often enough to see in what ways.

The thing is, that I wonder if I am guilty of the same thing, fixing in my mind as they were when I was in mymid teens and they were in their early forties (scarily not that much older than I am now) Whilst I notice the physical changes in them, they must have shifted their views and tastes in ways that I am not aware of.

This is so strange to read that other mums do this. My mum was for ever making these kind of remarks and I know how you feel. My mum died so sometimes now I wish I'd handled it better. Maybe when she brings up "well you always liked chicken nuggets". Take her hand and say "mum I'm still the same person my tastes have evolved that's all as I expect dds to as well". I used to wonder if my mum felt as if she didn't have a role any more when we all left home. Maybe reassure her what a great grandma she is and how you enjoy spending time with her. Maybe she'll stop fishing for validation and assurances.

I wonder whether it is linked to other manifestations of denial of the passing of time? My parents, who are 77 and 82 and increasingly infirm with the incurable health issues of old age, need to move house. My mother can accept that they need a much smaller garden (the garden has always been my father's thing, not hers, but he no longer has the stamina to garden) but is seemingly in complete denial about the need to think forward to a time when one of them might be alone/blind/in a wheelchair/unable to drive, all of which are very probable.

My mum was like this too. (She is no longer living.) I ended up like pp, distancing myself from her emotionally. That way, I didn't care so much about her ideas of me. Then it felt more like odd things she said, rather than personal digs at me.

I was unhappy our relationship couldn't be more like one between adults. OTOH I suppose she was disappointed that I didn't turn out to be the daughter she imagined she would have.

My Mum seems to have my arrested development around 28.

I was living what she probably saw as an impossibly glamorous and carefree life.

She often quotes things I said and did around that time as if they should make perfect sense to the now married, middle aged mother of teens that I am today!

My mother is like this.

It's really frustrating. She just can't let go of us and she keeps hanging on on us the way we were decades ago.

I'm just able to reach to her as adult, I seem frozen in time for her, with all my character faults and likes and dislikes.

It's like she denies me and my sibling the ability to develop and change.

This is an interesting thread as it has made me think of all the ways in which my parents are "stuck in the past" and that, when they annoy me, it is almost inevitably because of their out-of-date ideas - be they about me or anything else.

I hope that I will be able to make a quicker on-the-spot analysis. I usually end up biting my tongue, more rarely snapping at them, and either way feel frustrated!

I like your theory Wizard. It does feel belittling, like a refusal to engage with you as an autonomous adult with your own life, your own opinions, tastes etc. What must it be like to have parents who can see you clearly and are proud of the person you have become, and are willing to engage with you on your terms?

I like your theory Wizard. It does feel belittling, like a refusal to engage with you as an autonomous adult with your own life, your own opinions, tastes etc. What must it be like to have parents who can see you clearly and are proud of the person you have become, and are willing to engage with you on your terms?

They probably feel in secure in the relationship, that all they have is the past.

Before tackling them, maybe maybe, just a suggestion try focusing on something that works well in the dynamic now. You may have to dig deep!

My dad was like this more than my Mum. I turned it round a few years ago.

"isn't it hilarious how wrong Dad was all those years when he used to tease me about being a spendthrift". Or "ha ha Dad it's not that I over spend, it's more that I don't have a wife to do my shopping for me so I am aware of what things actually cost".

True that. My dad used to roll his eyes if I bought a new pair of socks. I settled my visa bill with no credit every month ykwim? and yet there he was calling me a spendthrift.

Sorry, not able of course.

Isnt there anything THEY used to do or like before, that you can turn it back on them, hoping they will see how ridiculous you are?

Like:
"you always threw me such great birthday parties, mum. Why did you stop? I wish you could go back to your old ways"

"Do you remember that dolls house you gave me for Christmas? You always used to be so generous, what happened?"

"Do you remember taking me to the panto when I was young? How come you stopped taking me to the theater/shows?"

etc. Surely there is something?

You always used to wipe my bum mum, now you leave me to do it myself!

This sounds really irritating for you. One of the things I find fascinating about having kids is watching them grow up and developing their own personalities. This inevitably involves seeing them change and that's just natural.

Same in most families, same between siblings too.
it's hard to change because people always comment - you never wear X. you don't like Y.
I think we need to say less in families and tolerate more and accept people change.

Or, you could say "Sorry mum, but I think you would have other worries, if it turned out that I never developed beyond the age of 10 or 14, so be happy that I am an adult now".

Good for you Wizard

It feels belittling though QTPie. There's nothing wrong with sharing memories and talking about the past, as part of a relationship. The problem is when that seems to be all the other person can talk about, without any real interest in the here and now, and in you as an adult.

My parents are like it, and my MIL is the same - shows no interest in what we are doing now (job, new home, holidays, friends etc) but could talk about 30 years ago forever. Its pretty wearing.

My in laws can be like this. I think it's because they really have nothing much else to say!

Both DH and I had GP who did this and yes it is annoying and stifling - and there is a strain of toxic behaviour and control in same people so not sure if it's another example of that - at time assumed it was age and not getting time passes quickly in children differences.

I think with GP it easier to shrug and ignore.

My parents have tried it with me - especially after I went away and first came back from Uni I think I just ignored refused to hide changes and they adjusted.

The labels the slapped on me in childhood - bad with people etc are harder to get rid of but I have changed them few times not always pleasantly and they do at least try not to apply them to me.

Have stopped them labelling my DC though - any they always is stamped on by me.

MIL has tried to go on about how our DC always like this that and other - stuff she was always annoyed by with her mother - and dealt with as a joke of god aren't they daft. So pointing out similar behaviour she does - means she stops and make effort not to - plus any suggestion it's because she getting old means she'll stop that behaviour.

I think emotional distance - so it affect you less - would help and challenging the behaviour - with humour - with impatience with sarcasm will stop it.

I do think it a bit telling that when you don't play along by remembering a trip at 3 - your mother sulks so you compile and lie about remembering. I think a better thing would be no I don't remember - you don't at that age - why don't you tell me about it - just in case it's a want to talk about those days thing ( that does seem to increase with age with many people) rather than you were like this then thing.