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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Jo Malone ethical problem!

19 replies

RedchairBluechair · 04/01/2015 16:38

So here is the problem.
First Christmas with my new partner. Unusually for a woman, she has no fixed ideas on perfumes. Previous women in my life have always been very particular and I have found what they liked by discreet snooping and casual questions.
I have never been much on scents for myself, but have used a couple I liked. One was Eau Savage, but my previous partner of 8 years forbad it because her ex husband had used it – too emotionally confusing for her.
That partner used a Jo Malone, 154, and when testing in airport duty free shops over the years I got to like many of their range. An assistant once said they were in fact uni-sex (a doubtful concept for a bloke, but hey).
So my new partner recently agreed we had free range to buy each other a Jo Malone scent of our choice for Christmas. She likes spicy, so I bought her Nutmeg & Ginger, great, I’d wear it myself.
But she bought 154 for me, which I am struggling with because it was my ex’s –am I being unreasonable and what di I do?

OP posts:

RayBloodyPurchase · 04/01/2015 16:41

Talk to your partner? jeez. Just say 'IT reminds me of ex, do you mind if I exchange it for a different scent?'.

MaidOfStars · 04/01/2015 16:41

Depends on what feelings it brings for you? Smell is very evocative, of course. So if you wear it and feel rage at a hated ex, then discretely stick it in a drawer or send it to me But if it's just 'the principle' of wearing a scent that your ex used to wear, I can't see the issue....

FrogIsATwat · 04/01/2015 16:42

Personally if i liked the scent i wouldn't care. Unless you aren't over the ex?
Why didn't steer clear of jo malone to be safe? Im a bit about this post. Is it a wind up?

christmaspies · 04/01/2015 16:42

Yes you are bu if you didn't tell your partner beforehand. however you culd now say that you're not so keen on the scent and suggests she use it herself if you don't like it on yourself. you'll just have to put up with the smell until she uses it up....or contrive to find a way of 'losing' it

puntasticusername · 04/01/2015 16:45

This is really not an ethical problem. It may be the most first world problem ever, though

Agree with pp - exchange it, and be honest with your DP so she doesn't buy it again!

JeanneDeMontbaston · 04/01/2015 16:47

Talk to her.
Lose the idea that men and women are different species, and you might just find you can communicate better.

Original poster

RedchairBluechair · 04/01/2015 16:57

Punt –yes, it is a first world problem isn’t it!

Maid, the problem is an emotional conflict. Scent is very evocative of places, times, people, and I quite like it for itself but associate the scent with the ex –I can’t work out if it’s a positive or negative association, the relationship ended badly when she had an affair.

I can’t exchange it, because I’ve opened it and used it. And I use scent so rarely, it could be years’ worth!

OP posts:

MissBattleaxe · 04/01/2015 17:08

stick it on ebay. It'll get gobbled up by Jo Malone fans. And learn to communicate with your partner.

BallsforEarrings · 04/01/2015 17:13

I would persevere with it and wear it often, surely it won't be long until you associate the scent with your new relationship and not your old one? You will reframe how you feel about the scent!

That way it will never evoke those painful memories again!

LittleBearPad · 04/01/2015 17:17

If you barely use it then it's really not a problem, bung it in a drawer.

There's no ethical issue here. You've opened it (why? If there were ex issues) so you can't return it for an exchange. Just put it away.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/01/2015 17:21

I use 154, it's my favourite of them all. I think lots of people will wear it, besides your ex and she was unlikely to have been the first. If it bother you, sell it. The fact that it's used will not deter a JM 154 fan

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/01/2015 17:24

Or layer it with another JM fragrance; I will sometimes put 'Grapefruit' with it - or 'Blue Agava and Cocoa', if I'm feeling reckless.

Put some on your current partner, it will smell different on her - and you won't associate it with your ex anymore. Ditto if you put some on you - it won't smell of your ex because your skin will be different or just send it to ME

simbacatlivesagain · 04/01/2015 17:50

Ethical?

If you want to be ethical then sell it and donate the money to charity.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/01/2015 18:44

Original poster

RedchairBluechair · 04/01/2015 20:40

Putting it in a drawer would be wasteful and less than honest.
I’m not sure I want to discuss the topic with my partner (ostrich rules apply), she would not want to hear about the ex and any suggestion that the ex was determining gifts to me by default.
I might send it to Witch.
But –Balls, I have taken your advice. I have tried some on, to refresh my memory, and it seems to complement the Aldi rough red which is also open (Witch, is that what you mean by “layering” –and I thought that had something to do with hedgerows) so I may learn to suppress the conflict problem.
Separately, is it true that Jo Malone is really uni-sex? How would a woman feel if on a first date she met a man and they were wearing the same perfume –not the same as carrying the same handbag I know, but still…

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 04/01/2015 20:48

Men like to have a stronger scent than women...so I think you must be feeling really effeminate in this situation.

Yes, you need to layer it. Or not use it, and let your partner use it. Or not use it and let your partner get the hint you don't like it. Even though you said you were happy for her to buy you any JM for Christmas, which was just silly with hindsight, wasn't it!

ZacharyQuack · 04/01/2015 22:30

Every perfume is unisex. There's nothing in any formulation that will make your willy fall off, it's just about what smells good to you. I used to wear Eau Savage all the time, love it

154 layers (i.e. wear two different perfumes at once) well with Red Roses (probably a bit too feminine for a bloke) or with something citrus-y. If you still have Eau Savage, try combining the two. Though will that remind you too much of your previous partner and her ex husband?

Original poster

RedchairBluechair · 05/01/2015 20:49

No the Eau Savage has long gone, decreed seriously out of bounds by the ex. It was the ex that had the problem with it, not her ex-husband -and although I knew him well enough we were never on sniffing terms.

And I thought nice smellies were just nice smellies. So those into layering, can you remember these complicated combinations of perfumes? do the combinations smell the same to others as well as to the wearer?

OP posts:

IdontusuallyNC · 05/01/2015 20:54

So are you actually bothered by the smell being one someone else previously in your life used. Or are you bothered because you think you should be because your ex made it into an issue?

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