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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about this situation RE mother??

18 replies

crabbiepattie · 03/01/2015 21:28

Bit of a background but dont want to give too much away just incase

My mum is quite a dramatic narcissist. She is never in the wrong and if we have a disagreement she'll leave my house, drive home then ill get a text saying shes in floods of tears asking "are you dissapointed in me? Do you hate me? Im just trying to keep you amd your sister happy" blah blah... Not all if that at once but its always always those lines iyswim

Anyways, i took the kids to hers yesterday. We went for lunch and then it was agreed that she would have them overnight until late this afternoon so that I could do work. I have a demanding job that entails a lot of working at home on top of regular working hours. And with the holidays, ive fallen behind quite a bit. DH and MIL have helped out as much as they can.
Anyways, DM hadnt seen the DCs since before they broke up. Apart from popping over for max an hour on christmas day to hand out presents; but had to leave because the mess was "making her OCD go mental" (her words)
I dont ask her to have the kids anymore. Its all up to her if she wants to have them then fine. But i dont ask.
I left them at the cafe around 2:30 as I wanted to get back to do a few bits and do some work too.
Im sat happily in the office working away thinking I could get a load done by around 5-6 ish and then the kids would be home in time for tea.
1:30pm i hear a knock at the door.
She brought them back early because she wanted to go clothes shopping. Onviously i questioned this and she insisted that she'd said after lunch. So i checked my messages and it did say late afternoon. Which to me is 4ish at the earliest.
Anyways, i forwarded this text to her just to prove my point. I then get the usual "im crying, had to stop in the layby cause im crying so much, are you dissapointed in me?"
I left it...
She has then gone and tect my husband saying shes been on the phone with my DGM, no doubt having a good old whinge about me and how disrespectful I am.
The woman hardly sees her DGCs. Max 2 hours a week. Never does anything with them or takes them anywhere anymore. Especially since I stopped asking her to have them.

AIBU??? Am i being a spoilt brat because she brought the kids back early without texting or phoning to tell me?? My DH had gone out for the day. For all she knows I could have gone with him!!!

OP posts:

bringbacksideburns · 03/01/2015 21:36

No YANBU.

Tell her. Say you saw them for one hr Christmas Day. You choose not to see them very often. i asked you to do me a favour and now you are overreacting. You wanted to go clothes shopping, i'm pissed off and i'm not going to apologise for you making me feel like that. No amount of you in floods of tears and being overdramatic will make me feel any differently.

i speak from years of experience with a narc mum.

Don't engage until she stops acting like a child.

Scholes34 · 03/01/2015 22:34

One of the pitfalls of free childcare from family members.

TheHermitCrab · 03/01/2015 23:51

You've admitted she is a dramatic narcissist and you are asking if you are being unreasonable? Clearly you are not, the only unreasonable thing you did was expect the situation to run smoothly when you know how she usually acts.

Original poster

crabbiepattie · 04/01/2015 14:56

Thanks for the replies ladies. Just need reasurring i wasnt being unreasonable xxx

OP posts:

Meerka · 04/01/2015 15:44

"are you disappointed in me?"

The only reasonable answer is "Yes, I am".

Blunt as that. Ignore the waterworks. YANBU.

marioluigi · 04/01/2015 15:54

My mother never ever asks to see my children. We live nearby so she does see them as I'll park at hers when I go to town etc, but she never asks.
The very very very rare occasions I've asked her to have one of them for a few days, she'll allow them to go on their ds the whole time, I mean I'll leave child on sofa and come back hours later and they won't have moved/been fed.
I don't bother any more. It got easier when idecided "her loss".
I feel for you x

Salmotrutta · 04/01/2015 15:54

Em, tbh if she had the DC for 23 hours (did I get that right?) I think that's quite a decent timespan.
If she hadn't taken them at all would that have been better?

I get that you thought you had a few extra hours and that you didn't see much of her on Christmas Day but you also say she sees her grandchildren about 2 hours a week. That's quite reasonable actually.

redskybynight · 04/01/2015 16:19

Yes, I was confused by your post as well. She's had them all yesterday afternoon, overnight and the morning. They've arrived home a couple of hours earlier than you expected (maybe your mum was finding them too much if she never usually has them?). So I understand you being annoyed that your plans have had to change, but actually she's been very generous giving you lots of time.

MinceSpy · 04/01/2015 16:28

So she had them overnight and brought them back at 1.30pm the next day and you complained. I accept that you thought late afternoon meant 4pm onwards but forwarding the text was childish behaviour.

LIZS · 04/01/2015 16:35

She had them for almost 24 hours then you deliberately sent a text knowing it would wind her up. Her past behaviour and reaction may be OTT but think you need to consider why you chose to make things worse rather than not engage.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/01/2015 17:04

You should have agreed a definite time beforehand e.g 4.00pmmor 3.00pm, late afternoon is a bit ambiguous.

Original poster

crabbiepattie · 05/01/2015 22:31

It wasnt the timespan or the bringing them home early that bothered me really. It was the waterworks and the victim playing! I cant be doing with it! Theres always a drama!

OP posts:

FightOrFlight · 05/01/2015 22:39

You dropped them off at the cafe at 2.30 and she brought them back at 1.30?

Personally I'd be proud to have a mother that could time travel.

FightOrFlight · 05/01/2015 22:41

Ah, my mistake - I thought you meant on the same day!

must concentrate harder

NeedABumChange · 05/01/2015 23:13

Forwarding the text was really childish, something a teenager would do. So she bought them back two hours early after having them for 23 hours, that's the issue?

2015 · 05/01/2015 23:27

Sorry, but I think you made a mistake by forwarding the text. It was obviously going to cause trouble. Did you honestly expect her not to react.

I would have said nothing and chalked it up to experience but it would make me even more careful if she volunteered to have them again.

drudgetrudy · 05/01/2015 23:29

Maybe her emotional reactions are a bit extreme but, just wondering, could the "waterworks" be because you actually are a bit sharp and nasty with her?

PhaedraIsMyName · 05/01/2015 23:43

The woman hardly sees her DGCs. Max 2 hours a week. Never does anything with them or takes them anywhere anymore. Especially since I stopped asking her to have them.

From that sentence , yes I think you're being a spoilt brat. The level of expectation there is jaw- dropping. She sees them once 2 hours a week - what exactly is wrong with that or gives you the right to set what is an acceptable level of involvement.

As for you throwing a strop because she had them for 23 hours rather than 25 hours, grow up.

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