Sorry if this is the wrong place to post but I've been a lurker for a while (have NCd for this post) and I've noticed that AIBU gets far more response than other forums, and I NEED a response.
I was diagnosed with PND in August, DC is now 6 months old. I have been under my local CMHT and have regular meetings with a HV, doctor and CPN.
I also take Citalopram 20mg every day. I THOUGHT I was getting better but over the last 2-3 days, I have had an increasingly overwhelming urge to kill myself.
I feel pretty calm about it, in my mind it's something on the 'to do' list, and it's started coming as easily to me as thinking I must go and get a pint of milk.
Even typing this doesn't particularly scare me, it feels like I am writing a shopping list right now.
I have a plan of how I would do it(which I won't detail for trigger reasons) and even where I would or wouldn't go. Ironically it involves leaving the house so when I am on my own with the kids, like now, I a, safest because I would never leave them on their own. I'm probably least safe on my own.
I am 99.9% convinced that I wouldn't have the guts to do it, but what's scaring me is how easily it's coming to mind and how I don't seem to be able to realise what a ridiculous thought process it is.
When it first started,my dark thoughts were aimed at the baby, but now they appear to have deflected onto me.
I can't think of anything that has specifically triggered these thoughts - Christmas was fine, although pretty low key due to family illnesses and OH working.
My house is an absolute bomb site (as in actually has bits falling off, it's not just a mess) and there are no funds to fix it and my OH has no concept of tidying or cleaning so whether it's that and additional Christmas clutter getting tome, I don't know. I intended to do Christmas with all the trimmings this year but never got round to it, we had a tree up with some lights and decs and that's it, none of the lovely candles and other things got put out, they are still waiting patiently in a box in the dining room.
I also have a 6 yr old and OH works shifts so am pretty knackered as well, so can't face sorting everything out.
I have an appt with the doc on Tuesday but don't want to tell her because it's obvious things aren't working and the next step is admission to the MHU, which I DEFINITELY don't want.
I've told OH about these thoughts, he is very understanding but doesn't know what to suggest and he has a lot of stress at the mo with work and both parents being very ill so I feel guilty putting on him too much.
I just don't really know what to do - is this actually a sign of improvement in any way or doI need different help???
Feel free to delete if not allowed. Thank you for listening.