To not let IL's babysit...

[mamabear220]

Hi all....I know IABU but I just need to ask!

Two months ago I gave birth to my wonderful DS so probably PFB but while DH's parents are doting, excited new grandparents they've done so much to annoy me in the past two months it's unbelievable! Firstly I don't trust them at all to babysit, obviously this annoys DH to no end because I simply don't let it happen, it's gotten to the point where I simply can't watch them around DS, I don't want them around him!! The big reasons I don't trust them are as followed:

1# MIL has apparently been accused of hitting a child in a past job. She told me this because of a family feud where another relative accused her of being a child abuser!

2# Their home is filthy. Dust and dirt everywhere, rotten food and boxes of junk and mold growing everywhere. FIL has admitted they're hoarders but doesn't do anything about it.

3# MIL is overly needy and clingy so of course she's the same with my DS! If she's holding him and I go over to even say hello or kiss DS I get told to "go away this is granny time." No she's not joking she's also done this to my DH and only lets PIL near her and DS. She calls him "my son" or "my wee son" and points to FIL and says "There's daddy!". She constantly asks about babysitting and him staying over night while I've always refused she keeps going and saying stupid hints to DS about staying over like "Yes my wee son, it'll be just me and you some night let me tell you." Yes yes a baby understands that of course

Yes, some of this is petty but it does grind on my nerves because it feels as if she's over stepping boundaries and trying to take my place as a mother.... On the other hand I don't believe in hitting children as a punishment and she has stated on numerous times "he's my grandson and if his parents aren't there I'll discipline him." And she hasn't explained the accusation of her hitting a child or how it was resolved just that she was accused.

DH obviously does believe the accusation about his mother because "She's not strong enough." So of course she's not capable of such a thing!

Please give your opinions ladies I'm going to go mad if all of this goes on!

MissHJ I've only put up with this because DH has had such a hard time with work and family problems, FIL going through depression and other such things I can't go into but honestly there's no compromise and I'm sick of it now.

Well i would probably lose the whole polite thing and get straight to the point. I get that people try and be polite and diplomatic but to be honest my son would be more important to me than my oh in your situation. It might not be what most would do but I could not sit there having a woman calling my son her baby, denying me my child back and pressuring me for overnight visits in my own home. If my oh did not like it after I explained how I felt, I would no doubt tell him he is more than welcome to go back to his mothers. There is taking a little of crap for your oh and then there is letting his mother treat you like nothing in your own home and disregarding you as your child's mother. But like I said it's not for everyone. I would however suggest that you do correct her when she calls your lo her baby. Play her at her own game and say no baby will come back to mummy now firmly but forcefully. Make whatever excuses you have to to deny over night visits. My son is 15 months and never stayed anywhere overnight. Don't let them walk all over you.

I know it hard because of your oh but ask yourself where does this all stop. It can only get worse. How about having a serious sit down concersation telling your oh his concerns? It's difficult when it's your partners family but honestly your mil is being bang out of order to you. You should not have to take that when your lo is only 2 months old. You will start to resent your oh in the end if it does not improve.

whereyouleftit said everything I was going to say.

You don't have to leave your child with anyone if you don't want to. DD will be 1 next week and she's never been looked after by anyone but me and DH.

Your DH really needs to grow a pair on this one. It'll never be resolved otherwise and ILs issues can be the death of relationships.

I thought my IL's were crap, over feeding to the point of her throwing up, no nappy changing, snatching DD from me, unable to understand that she needs to nap, carrying on like I was rent a womb and she was their second chance at parenting . DH did try but MIL has very selective hearing, FIL is stone deaf, I tried writing down the routine for them but still they didn't get it in the end I just sent an email so it was in writing and they couldn't deny anything, stating how things in the future would be, I was seeing them weekly but now they see DD every fortnight and DH has to take round. If your DH doesn't have the backbone to deal with it then you will have to yourself, be polite but assertive

mamabear I think honesty might be the way to go, firstly he is too young, secondly I would tell her that I didn't trust her and that I did not like the way she behaved around DS and that I would have to carefully consider future contact. She will not like but as long as you are polite and to the point then she can kick off but it won't change things If she had a strop then leave her to it, don't stoop to her child like level, just leave her to it. Good luck I feel for you

catsrule

My kids were 3 years old before they were cared for at all by anyone except OH and me.

I agree with PP- you don't need an excuse. Not wanting to is fine- end of story.
Your OH should support your feelings.

No way woould I leave my 8 week old baby with anyone.

You don't need to make light of it , you don't need to justify yourself, you don't even need a reason (though your reasons are more than valid).

Your DH's family don't have the right to use your baby as some kind of stress remedy. He is a tiny vulnerable baby with needs. And nobody with the mindset that beating the shite out of a child is acceptable would be looking after any child of mine, ever.

"she says to DH "I used to beat the shite out of you and it did you no harm." She probably was being dramatic but she has admitted spanking her own child."
I absolutely disagree that it did him no harm; it has made him subservient to her. I might have to say that out loud if she were to say it again in front of me .

Honestly just avoid the mention of babysitting, my creepy and totally unsuitable Bil and sil always mention babysitting our dc's but there would be a cold day in hell before it ever happened. However whenever they offer and they have put it in a birthday card for dp before, we thank them very much and say how kind but just ignore it.

Ignore them and ignore your dh if he mentions it, to be honest he's more your problem than they are, he should be backing you up. Your baby is way too young anyway, we are getting married (finally) and our dc# 3 will be 5.5 months and we are only considering a babysitter because it's such an important occasion.

My dd is happy to leave her LO with me or her step dad, but, in full knowledge that we do things her way, and I am a total clean freak. At 8 months old we are the only people she has left LO, she had total trust, I phone her if I am unsure what she would do. There is NO WAY she would leave the LO with her MIL or anyone else so URNBU in anyway !!!