To want to leave selfish manchild based on the last few weeks alone.

[homealone42]

Bit of background. i am a sahm to 3 boisourous boys. 10, 7 and 2. 7 year old is going though process of being diagnosed for some form of behavioural issue. dh works long hours so life is no walk in the park for either of us.
Anyway dh does diy, finances, garden and occassionally cooks, washes up (well maybe once every 2 weeks)and changes the odd nappy. Maybe 40 in 2 years. I do all housework, laundry. 90% childcare including virtually all ds2 toileting needs as he has toileting issues.
Anyway in the last month dh has received a sunbstantial bonus say 4k approx. He has purchased generous presents for dc and tbf spent a tiny bit more than usual on me and purchased a few small additional gifts for himself. Yet at the same time he has been moaning about grocery bill. I pointed that that this includes some clothing purchase for dc, nappies,wipes, pj pants and cleaning materials etc. i said if he doesn't like it he should give it a try. His reply was just we need to empty freezer before yadda yadda.
So dh has been at work 3 days over xmas period. these days have been much shorter but he hasn't adjusted what he does at home to compensate. ie sat on his arse most evenings whilst I do bulk of cooking, cleaning kitchen, bedtime etc. He was heard on the phone telling sis that he was going to chill as he had worked 3 days already this week. I felt like saying well I have worked 7.
Well today dh said he was going out to buy longer shelves to display an item he collects. So obv we have enough money for this but have to economise on groceries. I also asked him to get a few essentials as he was going out. He came home with drinks for himself and ds but none of the drink I like. Healso brought a big bar of choc than only he likds.
Tomorror he is taking older 2 to panto with his mum so we have money for that. We also have money for £80 worth of computer games. His excuse was that he had allocatted £250 to buy the latest console but as his mum got it for hhim so he wzs going to buy some games.
I am married to a selfish manchild aren't I?

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

*your (dammit)

[homealone42]

I guess his reaction when I buy buy myself some stuff will be very telling. ( I do need some new shoes) I think part of the problem is that I am quiite frugal and only spend when absolutely necessary. The kids know that they can to dh and ask for stuff (proved by todays impromptu shop just after Xmas)

[homealone42]

go to dh

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

As a sahm, you should still be an equal finances wise, homealone.

I am v lucky( going by MN threads) in that I have complete and equal control over our money. We have joint access to everything - it is essential imo. We consult each other over money - sure we argue about it occasionally, but as equals. Not him saying 'this is my money'. Well, maybe once he did the 'what's all my money been spent on' (but never again!).

Remember, that in the event of divorce, your sacrifice is taken into account- your sacrifice in giving up work and career to look after the family actually enables your dh in his career. This is recognised in court. You are entitled to CM, SM and a share of his pension in divorce. That validates your contribution to the relationship. Tell him.

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

And if the wonderful caillindana happens upon this thread, she has a fabulous link to an article about men (and women if they are lucky enough) benefit incredibly from having a sahp - I'll see if I can find it tomorrow. It is excellent.

[WhistlingPot]

Another one cheering at Annie's and other recent posts.

OP, YY to communication and building in more time/treats for yourself. Also, if at all possible, some time for you and DH to spend some time together - so you can remind yourself what it is you love about him!

[homealone42]

Yes whistling we probably do need time to reconnect. I have become more distant due to sheer fatigue and feeling unappreciated. I am also going through the menopause and it is tough. Thanks again. Feeling more positive now.

[andsmileimontherightpath]

Oh there are some things there that you need to tackle - you don't want your boys growing up with this view of women/wife work. To your DH it's normal as that's what he has been shown. I think its ok to gently point out that's ok for back then but things have moved on type convo so as not to be harsh about mil/fil as that will only get him defensive.

But it's kinda hard - I know since being sahp there are times when I'm doing jobs and DH is sitting or I'm dealing with latest drama from school n I get fed up of being the only one doing so - they are DH kids too. Sometimes I do have to suck it up a bit and I remind myself about Mondays when they all out n I have peace n quiet. I plan nice stuff for myself like a costa or gallery.

I would tackle the selfishness over the money too that's still quite shocking what fil re ail uni.

[homealone42]

O well. I had my day out. Dh had a day at home with the kids. There was no evidence of even basic washing up done. The teatime plates didn't even make it to the kitchen. But he has been on the phone to his parents who have probably told him what a great guy he is giving me a break. Ds3 actually slept for 2 of the hours so he sat playing computer games. I would be vacuuming as almost impossible to vacuum whilst he is awake.
So I have a day at home and get 3 loads of washing done, (long story re backlog)clean a kitchen and a bathroom, do a little vacuuming , dusting and tidying. None of which was even noticed and he does precisely nothing. Ok he had 2 extra dc but even so.
Time for a frank conversation I think.

[littleteapotshortandstout]

How much are you spending on groceries though? I can think of a couple of SAHM friends who are in and out of the supermarket all week. Their weekly shopping bills are £200-300 which I think is ridiculous. As a LP, I don't have that time (or money!) to waste, do most of mine online and only buy what we need, max £80pw. Why don't you do yours online and let your DH have some input rather than playing the martyr?

Likewise housework, is it simply a case your standards are higher because you're at home all day so are used to filling your time with house work? I work ft, I don't have time to vacuum more than once a week (sometimes less) and I don't always wash up every day either. No one ever died because a worktop wasn't constantly wiped down.

What about your DC in this? Mine have been able to make their own beds since 6/7, vacuum from a similar age, and use a washing machine from about 8. Are you giving them chores to do?

Overall it doesn't sound that bad. However it does sound like you don't like him very much and unless he is doing half of all the jobs you think must be done, you won't be happy. Good luck with that.

[Moniker1]

I can't understand the early posts saying he pulls his weight! WTF diy is not pulling your weight because it comes up once every 6 months, not several times a day as your work is.

Also buying what he likes and 'forgetting' to get anything you like is passive-aggressive shit. My DH does it when he is bearing a grudge. And when you gripe that you don't like Yorkie bars or whatever he will look 'tough shit you should have gone' when in fact your are with the DCs and have no chance to nip out anywhere and he should (does) know that.

Life will get easier for you when the DCs get older. Perhaps the assessment for DC3 is worrying you both but you aren't talking about it. No one should sit down before the other at night. I thought this was understood on MN.

But you can't change him, you can only change yourself, what about looking for a p/t job, then paying for a cleaner and childminder. If you are both working he can't shrug off his share so easily.

It's also pa to do the 'well you wanted 3 kids' type of thing, trying to make you responsible for your problems.

No, in fact he is being an overpriveleged git and needs to get off his arse.

[Bovnydazzler]

No, this doesn't seem an equal relationship to me.
Family conference to be had where the questions should be:
Do you have equal leisure time?
Do you have equal 'fun' money?
You deserve the same amount of money for yourself as he spends on himself, he is the one who doesn't want you to work.

[KatieKaye]

Hi OP.

You are sounding very tired and unhappy.

In the OP you mention your 7 year old who is under assessment and has toileting issues/ You also mention medical appointments, and later say that a crunch point regarded him soiling himself. I could be totally wrong, but is this a major cause of stress and additional work for you? TBH, I would expect a NT 7 year old to take off the soiled PJ pants (from your other posts these seem to be disposable ones). Is DH in denial about DC7, the impact this is having on you and thinks it's all just going to go away?

One practical thing I would suggest is giving everyone in the family, even the littlest one, their own particular job to do each day. So the wee one might fold up clean tea towels and put them away, DC7 might set the table and DC10 might do the breakfast dishes. the older the child, the more they can do around the house - it's a part of family life, not just mum and dad doing everything. Things like dusting, sweeping/hovering floors, taking out recycling are chores the older two can help you with and they should keep their own rooms tidy, be responsible for putting dirty clothes in the laundry basket etc.

At night, DH would be responsible for tidying the living room each night and bringing through cups etc while you wash them up and do last tidy round kitchen. So between you, you make sure the downstairs is tidy each evening before you go to bed.

Maybe you do have to spell it out to DH: "I'm going to the shops, so when the washing finishes can you hang up the clothes, please?"

Change beds at the weekend and get DC10 to help with their bed, while you and DH do the others - it's faster with 2 people doing it.

Sorry if these are things you've already tried, or if DC7 isn't able to participate - you didn't give many details about the possible condition so I do appreciate that he may not be as able to participate.

Can you regular things as a family, rather than the separation of Dad works, Mum looks after the house? So going for a walk as a family on a Sunday afternoon and then everyone helping to make the tea together? One of my favourite treats as a child was when we had pancakes for a special tea - getting to help whisk the batter, watching as they were made and of course eating them with butter and jam!

You sound very overwhelmed, so I hope that maybe something in here might help a wee bit.

[homealone42]

Thank you for recent replies and tips. I know older two should do more. with dc2 I have been encouraging him to take more ownership of toileting but it is not proving easy. He wears a mixture of regular underwear during the day and pull ups in the evening.
With groceries I spend maybe £100 to £120 on an average week on groceries etc but maybe up to £150 when stocking up on pj pants, nappies and basic clothes for kids.

[homealone42]

No way do I expect half. I am happy to do all the laundry, housework etc during the week. It would be nice if he tidied the kitchen a bit whilst I did bedtime but not a dealbreaker. Really it is weekends which are the problem. So far today we have sorted a child each which is great. I have done everything else though. He has been upstairs on the console all morning. I am off to supermarket now but I think online is the way to go and proper mealplanning. At the moment I tend to decide what to get when there.

[Saki5000]

I would have insisted that he should do all the washing up and mess created while you were out of the house. If he claims that he didn't have time to do it while you were out, he can do it when you get back.

[MissBattleaxe]

He has been upstairs on the console all morning.

what is it with these men who place placing computer games above dealing with their adult responsibilities?

[KatieKaye]

Could you have a talk about him doing kitchen while you doing bedtime? That seems more than fair.

Some people play games to relax, others watch TV, play golf or go on MN! I don't think playing games is in itself an issue. It's when he does it and for how long. So would he compromise and leave this during the week until the DC are all in bed and then go on for an hour, so there is still time for you both to spend together? And at the weekends, do housework/shopping/food prep, then play for an hour? Does he ever play with the DCs at these games? How about him taking the DC out to the park for a kick about, so that he's spending some time alone with his sons at the weekend? or the four of them going out for a burger?

[gotthemoononastick]

Oh dear OP ,wish I could help you a little bit in a practical way.Stranger thinking of you here!

I thought we had it bad in the 70's with eternal cricket and rugby on TV! Then men would or could not lift a finger!

Do not think I could have coped with mindless computer games as well!

[homealone42]

Thank you.

[Moniker1]

One point though, sometimes we get annoyed that they don't help but choose the jobs we want over others, then get annoyed if they don't do them.

My DH did bedtimes (though was feeble at reading to DCs) then I could tidy up downstairs, why can't yours do that or do you feel you want to tuck them up as you do it better? Maybe you need to let go and accept his poorer efforts.

[andsmileimontherightpath]

Morning OP I hope you feel better that the older two are back at school today (I assume) - notbe long before your youngest gets a free nursery places - have you got there name down? The latter made a huge different to me. Even when things get bad (however in the house or with them) at least I know I have some peace for three days per week.

I do think you need to address this inequality towards money and spending. If you feel he controls it all and you have no say then that is abuse - or is it more a diasgreement about spending priorities?

Hope you feeling more positive OP in some way.

[homealone42]

Thank you. ds3 is very clingy abd dh has never made any effort to do bedtime for him. He used to do stories for older two but never bathtime. Things are better today thanks. Free nursery place is a year away.

[KatieKaye]

How are you feeling about things today, home?

have you and DH been able to talk properly? Could someone look after the boys for a couple of hours so you both get out and have some time and space away from them to talk about things properly, maybe over a meal or a drink or even just a coffee? Sometimes it is easier if you are away from the house.

[homealone42]

Not had a chance to chat yet. We are off to a wedding at the weekend and staying overnight kid free so its an idea opportunity. I don't hate him but I am just losing respect.
Thanks again katie