To want to leave selfish manchild based on the last few weeks alone.

[homealone42]

Bit of background. i am a sahm to 3 boisourous boys. 10, 7 and 2. 7 year old is going though process of being diagnosed for some form of behavioural issue. dh works long hours so life is no walk in the park for either of us.
Anyway dh does diy, finances, garden and occassionally cooks, washes up (well maybe once every 2 weeks)and changes the odd nappy. Maybe 40 in 2 years. I do all housework, laundry. 90% childcare including virtually all ds2 toileting needs as he has toileting issues.
Anyway in the last month dh has received a sunbstantial bonus say 4k approx. He has purchased generous presents for dc and tbf spent a tiny bit more than usual on me and purchased a few small additional gifts for himself. Yet at the same time he has been moaning about grocery bill. I pointed that that this includes some clothing purchase for dc, nappies,wipes, pj pants and cleaning materials etc. i said if he doesn't like it he should give it a try. His reply was just we need to empty freezer before yadda yadda.
So dh has been at work 3 days over xmas period. these days have been much shorter but he hasn't adjusted what he does at home to compensate. ie sat on his arse most evenings whilst I do bulk of cooking, cleaning kitchen, bedtime etc. He was heard on the phone telling sis that he was going to chill as he had worked 3 days already this week. I felt like saying well I have worked 7.
Well today dh said he was going out to buy longer shelves to display an item he collects. So obv we have enough money for this but have to economise on groceries. I also asked him to get a few essentials as he was going out. He came home with drinks for himself and ds but none of the drink I like. Healso brought a big bar of choc than only he likds.
Tomorror he is taking older 2 to panto with his mum so we have money for that. We also have money for £80 worth of computer games. His excuse was that he had allocatted £250 to buy the latest console but as his mum got it for hhim so he wzs going to buy some games.
I am married to a selfish manchild aren't I?

[paperlace]

MissBattleaxe - that's a patronising and insulting thing to say. Of course we all know SAHPs are not the household slave and should be given as much respite as the working partner. But some posters on this thread, me included, do not view her husband as treating her as a slave. I think she's being unfair. It's hard, hard working having three young kids (I have three too) and that's more what the problem is than a 'selfish manchild' of a husband. Yes things are unbalanced perhaps and need to be discussed.

[paperlace]

Oh and also not all women are cut out to be SAHMs - I wasn't. This might well be the case here. It's not making her happy and she's not enjoying life. OP says she wants to return to work - another big discussion to have.

[TheChandler]

paperlace Oh and also not all women are cut out to be SAHMs - I wasn't. This might well be the case here. It's not making her happy and she's not enjoying life. OP says she wants to return to work - another big discussion to have.

I agree. Is this something you would consider OP? Even part time work might make you feel happier, as your life at present certainly seems to be making you anything but? It might be difficult to arrange, but in view of how unhappy you feel, it would be worth the effort of doing so?

[Fairylea]

Op I feel like I've walked into some 1950s time warp on this thread. Of course he is an inconsiderate arse! He can't even be bothered to change his own child out of pooey pj's when you're on your knees up all night with dc 3- or you were. That's just awful behaviour from him.

I'm also so tired of people on these threads whose answer to this sort of thing is for the woman to get a cleaner and get back to work! Why? Why should a cleaner have to be paid for (when lots simply can't afford it) because the other adult in the house can't pull their sodding weight so the main carer / sahp can survive a life which doesn't feel like a glorified slave. It's fine if people want to return to work but if the agreement is to be one of you at home then for gods sake they shouldn't have to return to work just to prove a point and push the other parent into taking an active role.

I'd rather be on my own than live with someone who expects me to everything while they just work full time or who does very little. I've been married 3 times and I just won't put up with it. The resentment is worse than being a single parent.

[MissBattleaxe]

MissBattleaxe - that's a patronising and insulting thing to say. Of course we all know SAHPs are not the household slave and should be given as much respite as the working partner

Not patronising anyone, but clearly the husband thinks he is entitled to chilling out time and she is not!

[TheLovelyBoots]

Not patronising anyone, but clearly the husband thinks he is entitled to chilling out time and she is not!

Yes, I see this as the crux of the matter. Having a 2 year old is incredibly hard work, and not getting a break makes you feel bitter and martyred. I can't imagine sitting on a couch, playing video games while the person I loved ran after 3 children all day long.

[Flywheel]

Yanbu op. The jobs you have listed that your Dh is responsible for are sporadic. I imagine some weeks go by where he doesn't need to lift a finger.
He typically doesn't cook, clean or look after his kids (apart from some fun stuff).
Me and Dh both work, but when I was on mat leave Dh still cooked, did some housework at weekends and did at least 50% of the childcare for the hours he was at home.

[MissBattleaxe]

The OP's kids are 10, 7 and 2. If she got a part time job, imagine the childcare bill! No, the problem is not that she doesn't do paid work, it is that her husband is taking all or most of the leisure time and not leaving any for her.

[BarbarianMum]

Not sure I'd go so far as 'manchild' but 'selfish' yes, definitely. Of course you should get an equal say in how money is spent and get equal time to relax.

[homealone42]

To answer some questions. It was poo. I have looked at various return to work options and none will really help financially as before and after school club would be £30 per day and childcare for ds3 maybe £35 to £40 per day and as for school holidays. Plus ds2 has done after school club a few times in the past but found it difficult. I could eork maybe 8 til 12pm but than dh wouldn't like it as he would have to step up. Weekends are difficult due to dhs hobby.
Dh is highly qualified in his field but English is not his strong point. He earns considersbly more than I did in my previous career and I do appreciate he works hard whilst at work. Hence I do not have great expectations after a longday at work. However, I do feel he should step up more in the holidays and when his working day is shorter.
Never wiping down a worktop, leaving clothes on the floor. leaving rubbish on worktops or on the coffee table and failing to take used mugs into the kitchen all show a lack of respect I feel. I do try and mention picking up after yourself gently with the kids as they are just as bad. I don't want to keep moaning but maybe my irritation is showing more than I think. I wasn't bothered that he didn't buy me choc. It is going to takes months for us to get through the chocs in the house. It was just an example of him putting himself 1st. I am wrong to waste money on groceries when we have food in the freezer but he can buy what he fancies when we have months worth of chocs in the house.
Time for a proper family conference And separatechatwith dh I feel.

[MrsHathaway]

My DH used to be like this, and I was on my knees.

Then he realised (in his words) that jobs like washing up etc are just part of being an adult. It sounds like OP's MIL spoiled the DH so he thinks he's doing "her" job when he washes up.

Echo talk.

The bonus thing is just rude. It wouldhhave paid for a cleaner for a year, but got spunked on toys and treats so he could play the Big I Am. It was family income and should have gone into the general pot.

[foreverondiet]

Ok sounds a bit selfish, but leaving him sounds a bit extreme! Need to have a chat - items to discuss:

a) HOUSE WORK: Fine for you to do bulk of housework during term time when kids at school and nursery, but during school holidays when you looking after kids all day without a break domestic stuff needs to be shared 50/50.

b) FINANCES: You are going to take on board the economising he has suggested but he has to buy in as well. You will sit down together and go through all spending and work out together what is discretionary with a view to cutting down.

[homealone42]

tbh I actually find term time more stressfull than holidays. Dragging toddler on 2 separate school runs, persuading ds2 to even get out of bed and endless after school clubs for ds1 and swimming.
Anyway going to take toddler to the park to let off some steam.

[MinceSpy]

Homealone your anger, frustration, tiredness etc come over very strongly in all your posts.
What do you want to do to change the situation? Have a frank conversation with your husband and tell him what you've told us.
As for term time stop the school clubs and take away the pressure.

[AnnieLobeseder]

OP, this is one of the most bizarre set of responses to a struggling SAHM that I have ever seen on MN. If I were you I'd stop defending yourself to this flock of 1950s throwbacks, I just can't see how it's helpful or a productive use of your time. In amongst the crap advice that you should just suck it up cos it's your job, there are some excellent posts with a real understanding of your frustration. But as many of us have agreed, having a very frank discussion with him about your needs and expectations regarding him contributing fairly to the care of his home and his children is the only way forward.

If he refuses to listen and compromise, and doesn't care about how unhappy you are, then that tells you a lot about how he really sees you, and you will have some difficult decisions to make.

Can I also suggest you read Wifework? I haven't read it myself but I've seen it recommended over and over again on MN by women who were in your position, as it gave them the words they needed to understand why it was that they were so unhappy and frustrated, and allowed them to communicate that successfully to their partners.

[StarOnTheTree]

Well said Annie

YANBU OP, not at all. MY XH was just like your DH but after attempts to communicate and sort things out, including going to Relate, I called it a day. And I only had 2 children to look after.

I can't imagine sitting on a couch, playing video games while the person I loved ran after 3 children all day long.

This with bells on

[PacificDogwood]

[homealone42]

thank you.

[andsmileimontherightpath]

Im a SAHM and PT student. My DH does long hours too.

When you are a SAHM you dont have set hours, you dont actualy get a break. Whereas WOHP get a break from their place of work. Everyone needs a break from whatever their normal is.

OP you sound as if you feel overlooked somewhat. I have my DD 2.8 in nursery part time now - when she went I literally felt I could breath again - that headspace is great. I do housework or study but with my adult head on.

He does sound selfish and you need to communicate this to him. Gotta say Im ready for mine to all go back now - Rock n Roll on Monday for me I'll have MTV on v loud while i do housework first thing then I'm going out - dressed with make up on and I'll walk at adult pace without my ear being chewed off about MC.

[homealone42]

I think that maybe starting ds3 at preschool may help although we have another year before it is free. He is so full on.
Well dh returned today from his day out shopping and panto he had spent probably another £200 on treats for him and kids. I have had a bath and a glass of wine in peace so feel abit better. He still hasn't done anything to help with bedtime or tidying up dishes despite it being obvious that I had done loads whilst he was out.
Think I may just go out for the day tomorrow to get a break.

[homealone42]

mil and fil are indeed a part of the problem. Mil indulges him and I think thinks I am the lazy one. fil is a sexist pig who didn't want to waste money on sil university education because she would only get married and have kids. Shame I didn't know all this until recently.

[YonicSleighdriver]

Yes yes go out for the day!

[homealone42]

Trouble is I bet I won't come home to a clean kitchen and 2 loads of laundry done. But baby steps. Going to go to gym and swim and abit of shopping and treat myself for a change.
Thanks again for replies.

[Saki5000]

I agree that you should go out for the day tomorrow. Not only will you get a break but will make him realise that looking after three children can be hard work and he therefore needs to contribute more when he is at home. He also needs to change his attitude regarding family money and realise that you as entitled to spend it as he is.

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

Yes, baby steps, homealone. Small moves.

I remember saying to dh (when the dc were little) - and I was going out: "I've left you a clean kitchen, I think it's fair that I come back to the same" - that could sound bossy - but I said it really, really nicely And I did - at a time when dh was just adjusting to me being sahm, and I could well expect him to make a mess in the kitchen cooking for the dc and expect me to do the cleaning up because 'that was my job'

Laundry is never done by anyone but me. I can but dream

If you're dh isn't an arse he will get this with proper communication. I kow it's annoying that women have to tell their dh's these things, but sometimes they just do. Open communications with him and see how it goes. And order Wifework.