To want to leave selfish manchild based on the last few weeks alone.

[homealone42]

Bit of background. i am a sahm to 3 boisourous boys. 10, 7 and 2. 7 year old is going though process of being diagnosed for some form of behavioural issue. dh works long hours so life is no walk in the park for either of us.
Anyway dh does diy, finances, garden and occassionally cooks, washes up (well maybe once every 2 weeks)and changes the odd nappy. Maybe 40 in 2 years. I do all housework, laundry. 90% childcare including virtually all ds2 toileting needs as he has toileting issues.
Anyway in the last month dh has received a sunbstantial bonus say 4k approx. He has purchased generous presents for dc and tbf spent a tiny bit more than usual on me and purchased a few small additional gifts for himself. Yet at the same time he has been moaning about grocery bill. I pointed that that this includes some clothing purchase for dc, nappies,wipes, pj pants and cleaning materials etc. i said if he doesn't like it he should give it a try. His reply was just we need to empty freezer before yadda yadda.
So dh has been at work 3 days over xmas period. these days have been much shorter but he hasn't adjusted what he does at home to compensate. ie sat on his arse most evenings whilst I do bulk of cooking, cleaning kitchen, bedtime etc. He was heard on the phone telling sis that he was going to chill as he had worked 3 days already this week. I felt like saying well I have worked 7.
Well today dh said he was going out to buy longer shelves to display an item he collects. So obv we have enough money for this but have to economise on groceries. I also asked him to get a few essentials as he was going out. He came home with drinks for himself and ds but none of the drink I like. Healso brought a big bar of choc than only he likds.
Tomorror he is taking older 2 to panto with his mum so we have money for that. We also have money for £80 worth of computer games. His excuse was that he had allocatted £250 to buy the latest console but as his mum got it for hhim so he wzs going to buy some games.
I am married to a selfish manchild aren't I?

[AliMonkey]

You are getting an unnecessarily hard time here. This all sounds fixable. But absolutely understand how it can all build up to point where it all gets too much.

If while your DH is out of house for work you are spending say 80% or more "doing" eg housework, looking after DC, taking DC to appointments or clubs, organising etc (and with DC and chores you describe I suspect you are) then you are working as hard as DH (who no doubt has some down time in lunch hour or while commuting or when chatting to colleague) then evening chores should be shared. One nappy plus one wash up per fortnight and no helping with DC bed time is not equal.

So you need to talk. Including reminding DH that you both earned that bonus (as he couldn't work full time if you weren't doing your role or part of his salary had to go on childcare) so it is only fair that you work out together how best to spend it. But equally a good idea to let him know that you did appreciate the extra he spent on your gift.

[Twuntosaur]

Seriously op, Annie's post is everything I wanted to say but eloquenter (?er?) more eloquent! I really hope you can have a decent talk and a good outcome. If your DS2 has toileting issues and DS3 behavioural issues you must be shattered as it is, and you really need to be able to lean on each other.

(BTW, my DS2 was unplanned - didn't realise this gave me the option of "opting out" of his care your "d"h seems to have taken! And neither would I bloody well have wanted to!)

[GokTwo]

Is it usual for the sahp to do every single bedtime and all the cooking? My DW works away a lot but when she's home we share those responsibilities. She works full time, I work part time (both women if that has any relevance). I don't agree that the sahp should do all of those things even at the weekends and during holidays.

[iniquity]

I think a lot of men aren't capable of doing a large amount of housework and parenting especially if they consider themselves providers. I think you could potentially nag him to death before you get extra help.
I would think about getting a part time job and employing a cleaner.

[thaiglish]

OP it's a shame that you haven't managed to convince the MN collective to back your cause, despite the usual drip feeding of additional imaginary atrocities designed to bolster your case.

My feeling is your awful lack of elocution has failed to impress.

Can I suggest that you brush up on spelling, punctuation, sentence construction and paragraph control?

Perhaps you could ask your DH as he probably has to use these skills when he's working.

Maybe, if he finishes early and returns to the comfortable bosom of his home and family you could let him know that he should take up the slack by teaching you these basics?

If you're lucky, you might be able to send him on errands and have him understand exactly what is required of him which will avoid the living nightmare of him returning with a bar of chocolate that only he likes.

Which one was it by the way, that revolted the rest of the family so much? I'm sure the manufacturers will be as interested in this as much as I am.

[Gen35]

My dh cooks most nights and helps a lot with the dc in the evenings and weekends. You need to have a think about what downtime you want and talk about it as well as financial planning together. Perhaps it is time to start making plans about going back to work as well?

[GokTwo]

Thaiglish, perhaps you might like to brush up on your manners. What an unpleasant, condescending post!

[frozen70]

op. I think you have had a hard time on here and in rl. I am guessing there is more to it than this. I also don't think the dripfeed was on purpose. It was just in response to the replies you received. I am also not sure how anyone can equate a bit of gardening diy and paying a few bills online with everything else. Changing the odd nappy and bunging a tray of food in the oven and taking a day off work to do the fun stuff with your parents does not equate to perfect parent material.

[GutsyMcMuffin]

Really! So if you are a sahm you do the same amount of work even when your Dh is on leave! No way.

My Dh has been off from the 19th, so it would be reasonable got him to sit around all day not doing anything while I cook every meal, clean everything do all childcare etc. I don't think so. In fact we love this time of year because it's a break for both of us, he's home so it's all shared.

[homealone42]

thaiglisk incidently I have more qualification in English than dh. It is he who comes to me for advice. Just because it doesn't show in the op doesn't change that.
I am also not a liar and as frozen said I only added further infomation based on the responses.
Re the finances it takes him maybe an hour a week tops to do it all.Whilst he does that I am looking after dc. He also than has a strop about why I have to go to supermarket twice one week or why I have spent more this week etc. Yet I do all the medical stuff all of us. All the car servicing, repairs etc for both cars with kids in tow. An hour max every week or so with no interruptions sounds like heaven.
Yes there is much more to it. I have been ground down by two years of dh expecting his life to be the sames after ds3 birth. I remember being on my knees when ds3 was a few months old and all the round of nativity parties, parties etc was getting out of hand. I was told that he was too tired and he couldn't possibly do anymore. He basically said that if I didn't go out so much spending money and socialising I would be able to keep on top of the despite. At the time I was up in the nigght for 2 solid hours with ds3 and he hadn't even hoovered or did any ironing despite me having a csection. It is only in the last year or so that he has become more involved but still largely avoids the hard slog.
Last nightfor example I was upstairs trying to settle ds3 who is poorly and I could hear ds2 getting upset. Apparently ds2 had soiled his pj pant and was upset dh pointed it out. So I finished settling ds3 and found ds2 in his rokm still in soiled pj pant. Dh hadn't bothered to leave sofa to sort it.
I think a new thread in relations is the way to go.

[paperlace]

I don't think OP's had a hard time. I too read her OP, thinking I was perhaps a little groggy and missed the bit where he's a selfish manchild. Couldn't see it. Bit selfish, bit thoughtess - but don't see a 'wife ran ragged' and him 'sitting on his arse'. He's worked three days this week, he does stuff round the house (maybe not enough - something that can be discussed), it's Christmas and everyone's still in slob out mode. She's going to gym this weekend while he takes kids out for the day.

Anyway OP has finally identified the problem - resentment over lack of help (and connection?) with dc3 when a baby.

You need to really talk - this is NOT cause for a divorce, it really really isn't. Unless there is a lot more to it.

Also are you sure you are really happy with your (joint) choice for you to be SAHM? Because you are clearly not happy at all. Is it time to have a properly radical shake up and go back to work or re train?

[homealone42]

actually he is taking older two out for day today whilst I stay home with youngest. I will than get an hour at the gym tomorrow whilst he stays home with all three.

[homealone42]

In reply to a previous post the soft drinks and choccy really aren't biggies. We have enough choc in the house to last me for months. It was just the hypocrisy of "we" meaning me have to tighten our belts but I can spent what I want.
O and my additional gift was acually only a replacement for something which no longer works. With that he probably spent maybe £20 more than normal. less than he spent on the additional gifts he brought for himself before Christmas at his fun day off work at an exhibition whilst I was home with dc.

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

OP - yanbu, not remotely. Of course he shouldn't be sat on his arse in front of tv/console moaning about the groceries bill, while you're running around doing everything. Doing the washing up once and popping a tray of food in the oven is not an equal share.

I'm a sahm to 3 dc, I know how fraught it gets, but dh had 2wks off over xmas, and he really does do his share. We had a few cross words and at one point he did say "this is my holiday you know!" and then a sort of realisation came over his face - ie. when is my holiday?? My work is 24/7, I'm on 24hr call out and I can't phone in sick!

Equal leisure time is a fair way to look at it. I think you need to tackle the finances side of things sooner rather than later - a man that buys computer games but then moans about the supermarket bill for family is a bit of a manchild imo.

[APotNoodleandaTommy]

You do sound really bitter.

You both need to communicate better - if you are barking at him the way you're barking on here, he has probably shut down to you mentally. I know I would.

Being a SAHP is really hard work. However, being the primary financial provider, having all the stresses and strains and accountability is really stressful too. Stop making it a competition ffs

[homealone42]

I have actually started looking at returning to work but dh isn't keen, there is not much out there and tbh I cannot guarantee he will step up and do more around the house if I return to work.

[TheChandler]

Honestly, its impossible to work out who is being more unreasonable in this relationship, or what their motives are. I am guessing equally your DH could point to incidents in the home where you have been less than perfect, or days at work where he has had to deal with nightmarish events. I think you have a tendency to focus on very specific incidents and keep bringing them up, and get into a spiral of negative thinking about them. Some of them are very minor - the crumbs thing, the chocolate thing, etc.. I can imagine if I was the DH here I might eventually switch off and stop responding because my life was actually becoming pretty miserable.

Should your DH not get to enjoy family time? Some of the comments regarding work on here are pretty insane - they seem to regard work as an indulgence for relaxation away from the real job in the home. I kind of loved the fantasy portrayed by AliMonkey of down time in lunch hour or while commuting or when chatting to colleague (my commute is sheer hell, not this perfect vision of relaxing on a train speeding through the countryside, who on earth has a "lunch hour" these days and how can you chat to colleagues when every minute of your working day has to recorded and accounted for?)

thaiglisk incidently I have more qualification in English than dh. It is he who comes to me for advice. Just because it doesn't show in the op doesn't change that I see.


thaiglisk incidently I have more qualification in English than dh. It is he who comes to me for advice. Just because it doesn't show in the op doesn't change that I see. So why not suggest swapping roles then?

Honestly, I got the impression that you hate and despise this man too. Perhaps you don't and perhaps stress has locked you into a negative way of thinking, but when you are criticising someone so bitterly for not bringing you the correct bar of chocolate, it indicates a lack of perspective on your part. Why do you stay with him at all?

[homealone42]

no I don't bark at him. That is way I am sounding off on here. Maybe I should point out how unfair it is more but than according to some on here he is doing plenty.
Really don't know what to think anymore.

[PacificDogwood]

You are unhappy, feel unappreciated and alone in your marriage - there is no more lonely feeling.

The two of you need to talk, really talk. Or rather listen to what the other one has to say. I bet your DH is not happy either tbh…

I think you would receive more nuanced replies if you posted about your situation in 'Relationship' rather than AIBU.

You need to ask yourself what it is you want in the long run: a better, more equal relationship in which he takes one half of all house hold/childcare tasks when not at work or doing DIY etc, or doing it all on your own.
Would you consider relationship counselling/would he? It is often easier to say difficult things with a neutral stranger in the room.

[TheLovelyBoots]

OP, does the "soiled pant" that he left on your son = poo? I'm not impressed with a father who doesn't get off the sofa to sort that out straight away.

[TheChandler]

I think you sound stifled and resentful at events after DC3's birth. You are obsessing over small, unimportant things (the constant complaining that your Christmas presents didn't cost enough is just as bad as anything you have criticised your DH for being a manchild about).

I agree with another poster that its almost become a competition for you. You seem to want to prove yourself superior to your DH, and you constantly belittle his work responsibilities (really, working over Christmas isn't fun as many people now look forward to a one or two week break).

I also think your DH seems a bit switched off. He is lazy, that's true, but you have both slipped into such negative patterns of behaviour. If he cherished you, then I would expect him to make more effort buying your Christmas present (not your MIL though; totally irrelevant). Maybe he also doesn't like you that much in some respects any more, similar as to the impression you give about your feelings for him? Maybe he just can't be bothered making an effort any more?

If you listened to some mumsnetters, there is this perfect advertisement style man out there that all other men must be compared disfavourably to. I don't think he exists. But when you communicate with your DH, it seems to work - he is taking his share of looking after the children at the weekend. He is not that bad. He isn't going down the pub with his mates. The problem seems to be that he switches off when he comes home from work. I think a lot of people do that. Maybe you could have an hour every night where you sit down and he does everything?

Again, why do you stay with him when you are so dissatisfied with him? What is it that keeps you there?

[MissBattleaxe]

I'm with Annie, emeline and Twunosaur. I wasn't sure I was on Mumsnet! SAHMs deserve a rest at Christmas and weekends as well because they are not everybody's slave.

[APotNoodleandaTommy]

When I was on mat leave, I did get really frustrated even though my husband did more than me when he got home, or pre-work. What I found frustrating is that I had to do the thinking... and still do though that's improved loads
So... We talked about it...
And things are way better. I also work FT which works for me.
You may not believe you are barking at him or similar, but you cannot hide pure contempt. Rest assured he will know how you are feeling, and be switched off to you. You need to speak with him and own your feelings rather than being directive eg when this happens this is how I feel and why, rather than you don't pull your weight when you're home

[antimatter]

Reading your replies quickly OP it looks to me like there's lack of communication between you and your DH and you don't get regular time to yourself at all. How do you unwind?

Not sure if that has been suggested but you should rearrange your week to go out in the evenings- gym, classes - whatever keeps you sane.

Also - either Sat or Sun morning - 4 hours - just to yourself. Going out is the best, or you would get drawn in childcare feeling responsible.

I think that and more frank discussions about finances would help to improve your relationships.

[YonicSleighdriver]

OP, I agree it's very selfish of him to opt out of family life for hours on end over Xmas by playing on his console etc. Finances should be discussed.