To want to leave selfish manchild based on the last few weeks alone.

[homealone42]

Bit of background. i am a sahm to 3 boisourous boys. 10, 7 and 2. 7 year old is going though process of being diagnosed for some form of behavioural issue. dh works long hours so life is no walk in the park for either of us.
Anyway dh does diy, finances, garden and occassionally cooks, washes up (well maybe once every 2 weeks)and changes the odd nappy. Maybe 40 in 2 years. I do all housework, laundry. 90% childcare including virtually all ds2 toileting needs as he has toileting issues.
Anyway in the last month dh has received a sunbstantial bonus say 4k approx. He has purchased generous presents for dc and tbf spent a tiny bit more than usual on me and purchased a few small additional gifts for himself. Yet at the same time he has been moaning about grocery bill. I pointed that that this includes some clothing purchase for dc, nappies,wipes, pj pants and cleaning materials etc. i said if he doesn't like it he should give it a try. His reply was just we need to empty freezer before yadda yadda.
So dh has been at work 3 days over xmas period. these days have been much shorter but he hasn't adjusted what he does at home to compensate. ie sat on his arse most evenings whilst I do bulk of cooking, cleaning kitchen, bedtime etc. He was heard on the phone telling sis that he was going to chill as he had worked 3 days already this week. I felt like saying well I have worked 7.
Well today dh said he was going out to buy longer shelves to display an item he collects. So obv we have enough money for this but have to economise on groceries. I also asked him to get a few essentials as he was going out. He came home with drinks for himself and ds but none of the drink I like. Healso brought a big bar of choc than only he likds.
Tomorror he is taking older 2 to panto with his mum so we have money for that. We also have money for £80 worth of computer games. His excuse was that he had allocatted £250 to buy the latest console but as his mum got it for hhim so he wzs going to buy some games.
I am married to a selfish manchild aren't I?

[homealone42]

A basic budget makes sense of course. However It is difficult as some weeks spending rises due to kids needing new clthes or running out of soap power, nappies and pj pants at the same time. When he rarely hits the supermarket he often spends almost ss much as me but never buys anything but food unless spec7fically asked. When I suggested he takes on that 4esponsibily even for a week or two he wasn't keen. Anyway he gets his day tomorrow to have fun with older dc. I will hopefully get to go to the gym Saturday to restore my sanity.

[CinnabarRed]

I don't see anything here that isn't fixable with an adult conversation.

It seems as though you both work equally hard in the normal course of things - TBH, I do think a SAHP should do the bulk of household and childcare chores because that's what a SAHP does.

The issues, then, are financial and the holidays.

Re the holidays - he has taken it easy but you didn't. I think it's reasonable to ask a WOHP to do more when on holiday so the SAHP gets to do less - that way both of you get a bit of a break. I'd talk to him about it.

Re the finances - this may be thornier. Do you have equal access to the finances? Is there something you'd like? If the answer to both is yes, then I'd be tempted to go out and get it for yourself, and explain that as he's treated himself you're doing the same.

If the answer is no to the first question then you have a bigger issue.

FWIW when DH or I get a bonus we decide together how much to splurge (and on what) and how much to save or allocate to projects.

Re the shopping, I'd sit down with him and go through the receipt. Ask him to identify possible savings.

Re the drinks - I'm not seeing the big issue here. Did you really have nothing to drink in the house other than tap water?

[Fairenuff]

I'm not seeing 'manchild' here or 'selfish'. What I see is a lack of communication. I think you need to talk to each other and set some ground rules.

[Aridane]

YABU

[homealone42]

yes we do as I don't drink tea or coffee. ok I could have milk but I don't like to drink too mucch as watching my weight. In the end I popped out and picked up something but it was thought and not the 1st he has done similar. It iwas the fact that he didn't even tell me re bonus so clearly he just decided he earned it so it was exclusively up to him how it should be spent.

[CinnabarRed]

You sound so bitter.

Question - do you want to leave him? Because it kind of sounds like you do, and are now back-solving reasons why.

To be sure, I wouldn't be happy with his attitude towards his bonus. But I would talk to him about it, and give him the opportunity to shape up. Is that an option here?

[Tryharder]

YABU.

It sounds like a reasonable division of chores to me.

I am often amazed by how little importance is attributed to paid employment usually by SAHMs.

What do you think would happen if you LTB? You'd probably have to go out and get a job and THEN come home and do exactly the work you are doing at home but in about 3 hours rather than say, 12.

A lot if your grievances sound quite petty. I do get that it's easy to become irritated at times but I think you need to step back a little and see the big picture.

WISHING YOU AND YOUR DH A HAPPY NEW YEAR

[LadyLuck10]

Yanbu regarding the finance side. You should be more involved and treated as an equal.

Yabvu wrt the rest of it. Seems like he parents his children and pitches in with the housework. You are the sahp and the bulk of it should be done with you. Your older two are in school full time so you do have plenty of time to do the rest.

[greeneggsandjam]

I don't think you are being petty at all. You probably have your hands full, especially during weekends and holidays. With regards to the bonus, rather than him going out and choosing treats for people, he should be saying, oh look , we have £4000 extra. What shall we do with it? Basically he needs to be fairer with the money and access/decisions on it.

[homealone42]

Surely it should be about equal leisure time though. I haven't had a break all day. poorly ds3 back on boob. dh has had several hours upstairs on console. and several hours in front of tv.I do bedtime every night. washing up 13 days out of 14. cook most of meals. do all housework., laundry, sorting pets. bins.
Re tbe gift mil spent 5 times as much on dh. tbh I was shocked that he even put this gift on his list. He didn't expect to get it and had secretly set aside money to buy it himself. when he realised He had got it he has decided to blow £80 on some additiona. bits. although I think he will spend more as he is off shopping tomorrow.
He has washed up but has spoiled it by getting a snack leaving crumbs and knife and empty pack on worktop. Not so bad as worktop hasn't been wiped but he does same when I do washing up and clean worktops etc.
Ok guess I am blowing these incidents out of proportion.
I think I haven't fully forgiven him for leaving all the care ds3 to me in the early days. I think he expected his life to stay the same as ds3 wasn't planned.
Re parenting he is there for fun stuff, panto etc but not for hard slog and hospital appts etc and episodes of d and in the night etc.

[Twuntosaur]

Op, if he's not letting you have equal leisure time/down time then I really can understand your frustration. I would feel the same (except possibly a bit shoutier!)

And YADDDDDNBU about the financial side of things, I can't imagine hiding a bonus that big from DH and would feel like an utter shit if I did. And how can a grown, intelligent man not realise the cost of things for the kids, or not even let it cross his mind? Ridiculous.

Hope you can have a talk with him and get things on more of an equal footing because things do sound pretty crap for you the way they are now

[usefully]

I think that everything you describe you do is what I would expect a SAHM to do.

It's your job.

Agree that this isn't a my child issue, it's a communication issue.

What does he say when you raise it with him?

[TheChandler]

cooking, childcare and washing up are surely not allocatted jobs. they are basic tasks which need to be done 7 days a week. diy and yhe garden are adhoc. Well during the hours he works they should be mine but all day, everyday is hardly fair.

Well only if you do your share of DIY, finances and gardening. Don't under-estimate how long doing finances and paying bills takes. It guzzles up your time.

Otherwise, he really doesn't sound like a manchild at all. He sounds quite responsible. And surely it is up to his own mother what she buys him for Christmas? The £4000 bonus is huge though, has he really not bought you a nice treat with it or a joint treat? If not, why not? Is it possible he is starting to treat himself more because he is not that happy and feels tired from work and a possibly unhappy relationship?

Working over the Christmas period isn't exactly a bed of roses.

Regarding the bar of chocolate he bought that you don't like. Can you really not buy your own chocolate? Are you with the kids 24/7 and never get any free time, even 5 or 10 minutes, to pop to the shops? Do you live in a very rural area?

[Birdsgottafly]

I agree with what's been said.

Also, your youngest is three this year, so BF won't be as much (if at all) as it is now.

Your eldest are getting old enough to help with housework and there will be a time soon that your youngest will be starting Nursery.

I wouldn't be so petty, tbh, or do you have work lined up to start?

If not, you are about to get a lot more leisure time and less stress than your DH.

I speak as a working LP, who has been a SAHP, whilst married.

[CalleighDoodle]

Whats a WOHP???

You sound like a pain in the arse. He washed up but it is still not good enough.

To put it into perspective for you (not that it will because you sound very angry right now over little things) im a single parent of a 2 and 4 year old and i work 4 days a week 8.30-5.30 with 30 mins travel time either side. Then work another half a day / full day depending on that weeks workload from home. I only get paid for 4 days regardless. Stbxh had the dc ONCE in december. Everything in the house still needs doing, housework, decorating, garden, and it is ALL done by me. STBXH pays very little in child maintainance, which wouldnt even cover two weeks of nursery fees. Im not entitled to more than he pays either.

Id love an afternoom at the gym right now.

[Quiero]

How would you feel about getting a job? I hated being a SAHP as it made me feel unequal. I don't enjoy the housework responsibilities so I went back to work and it evened everything up.

Could that work for you?

Either way, it doesn't sound like splitting up material. Just an honest conversation needed.

[MillieMoodle]

I think YABU to want to leave him, but YANBU to feel under-appreciated.
It sounds like you need to sit down and talk to him. When it comes to the children, why can't he do his fair share in the evenings when he gets in from work? He could at least help with bedtime; if you were working out of the home then presumably he'd have to?
When it comes to finances, maybe you could ask him to sit down and go through everything with you so you can understand what he's budgeting for groceries etc and how you might be able to cut down. YANBU to be pissed off about the bonus though, I would be!
Maybe it would help if you ask him whether there's anything he's unhappy with too? Talking to each other at least gets it all out in the open so you can both work on changing what you do, to make everyone happier?
I speak as someone who works full time and does almost all the stuff you do. DH works full time and does the washing up, the budget and sometimes the hoovering. I do everything else. DH does, however, acknowledge that he can be a lazy arse and every so often I feel like you seem to be feeling now. We discuss and things improve. I accept that this is the man I married and I love him, even though there are times I could throttle him (and there have been times in the past when I've threatened to leave).
I hope things get better for you.

[RandomNPC]

Christ, you sound like you hate him. If you don't want to be married to him, fair enough. Why don't you talk to him?

[ChippingInLovesChristmasLights]

I think the way you wrote your OP makes it sound like DH does more than he actually does.

He does seem to leave a lot of the cooking & dishes type stuff to you and pretty much all of the parenting other than taking them out to do fun stuff.

The bonus, no He didn't earn that on his own. He wouldn't have been able to earn it without you running around like a blue arsed fly at home. You should have jointly agreed how it would be spent.

You should both have equal down time. When he's home he should be doing his share of domestic stuff.

All of which is enough for A Big Talk. However, I think you clearly have other issues re his lack of support & engagement with DC3 due to him not being planned. I think you need to talk to him properly and make him see that if things don't change your relationship will crumble.

[emeline]

I dont think you sound like you hate him, OP. I think you sound like a woman who has a lot to do and a husband who works,plays games and doesnt pay her much attention.

Sounds to me like you feel overlooked and neglected by him. And criticised over the grocery bill, to boot!

[Twuntosaur]

Bloody hell to some of the replies here btw - if I lived with a physically able adult who only washed up once a fortnight, never did the bedtime routine, never helped with the night wakings and changed a nappy about once a month I'd lose my rag too.

[emeline]

what Twunt said!

[AnnieLobeseder]

What the actual fuck is happening on this thread? The OP is being run ragged looking after the home and children without a single break, while her DH sits on his arse watching TV, playing computer games and swanning about spending money he's told her they don't have.

No, it doesn't sound to me like she's being remotely unreasonable. It doesn't sound to me like she hates him or is looking for excuses. To me she sounds like a women trying to hold the household together with all her energy, no down time and a DH who thinks that he can clock on and off from his domestic responsibilities but she can't. Of course they should have equal leisure time! As for the "well if you were a single parent you'd have to do even more" - words fail me! She's not a single parent, so he should be helping her by taking care of his own bloody children. And if she were single, at least she'd be spared the frustration of struggling on while having to watch her DH sit on his arse as she did so.

OP, I don't blame you for being incredibly pissed off, but this won't be resolved by just soldiering on and getting more resentful. You need to talk to him. And make sure he really listens, really understands what you are saying and how is behaviour is making you feel. Because as long as this goes on, your relationship is doomed. Both partners need to feel respected, supported and appreciated for a relationship to work, and you are obviously lacking those things right now.

Good luck!

[Twuntosaur]

oh thank god, I'm not alone!

[Fairylea]

Twunt I totally agree with you too.