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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To kill my mother??

51 replies

Keepswimming123 · 01/01/2015 06:49

Just had a two hour stand off with my mother as she doesn't like my boyfriend so hid his shoes?! And then told him to leave... Whilst having still hidden his shoes. He has finally escaped, but I am sat wondering wtf I did in a past life to deserve this... I moved back in with her after my dad died. He moved out previously, I can understand why... ARGHHHHHHH

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 01/01/2015 15:48

"She doesn't sound well and I don't think coriander is going to put this one right."

Huh? Confused

Charlie97 · 01/01/2015 16:00

If you want to help your mum (which I assume you do?), you need to consider she may be suffering from some sort of mental health issue, as others have said.

You also mention the death of your father, is this something that maybe triggered her behaviour?

Clearly you can't hide in bed for ever and something needs to be done, either addressing her possible mental health issue or moving out yourself.

How old are you and your mother OP?

SugarPlumTree · 01/01/2015 16:12

Another who agrees she sounds unwell and you can't go on like this.

Keep a written diary of her behaviour, it will help if you are speaking to Doctors. She really does sound like she needs medical attention. My Mum behaved erratically for years and does have Dementia but used to lose the plot if she had a UTI.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/01/2015 16:22

She could just be a nasty person.

I'm pretty sure the op is best placed to know if this is normal for her and has been for years. (The fact that the mothers behaviour led to her previously moving out would suggest its not a new thing) than a few strangers on the Internet are.

Many people can be spiteful nasty cunts without having a mental illness and very few fairly common mental illnesses exhibit themselves by causing the sufferer to behave like a nasty git.

If the op was talking about a young person anybody automatically saying the name of a mental illness would get torn apart for promoting stereotypes

SugarPlumTree · 01/01/2015 16:44

She might be just a nasty person but the OP is talking about an escalation in her behave stating it is becoming 'increasingly erratic and odd'.

We haven't got full facts but people who have been through it with parents are suggesting that OP considers a medical problem just in case. Dementia cam present with erratic behaviour and what you find is that is someone always has bern difficult that the Dementia means the social conventions that put a bit of a lid on things are broken down so behaviour escalates .

We don't know the age of the OP ' S Mother but it is something that is more likely to occur as people age and more likely to be a factor than in someone younger.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/01/2015 17:46

She also says she's not ill. And that her dad had even moved out before he died and that she is evil.

And she gives no indication of her actual age.

Its more likely than not that she knows her own mother quite well.

GraysAnalogy · 01/01/2015 17:49

She said not 'ill as such' whatever that means.

An escalation in erratic behaviour always has a reason, not just because someone is 'evil' Hmm

There has to be something behind it and since the OP doesn't seem to be very forthcoming there's not much we can even say to her.

Bluebees · 01/01/2015 17:59

Dementia manifests itself in lots of ways, including paranoia and hallucinations. It does sound as if there are underlying issues. I second the GP visit advice.

GraysAnalogy · 01/01/2015 18:07

Yes I know it can but this just doesn't seem like dementia to me. I would have thought the OP would have noticed other sorts of changes in her mother rather than the erratic behaviour seemingly centred around the boyfriend.

But it defo sounds like a mental health problem. OP have you noticed any other changes in your mother, any mobility or motor function issues? Memory loss? Swift emotional changes? Any depression?

It sounds like your mum was in some sort of mania phase this morning.

Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/01/2015 18:11

Sorry, was out so haven't replied. She is in her mid sixties. She has always been pretty unreasonable but for her to do that this morning for a good few hours at my boyfriend (who is mid 30's btw) is completely mad. As in shrieking, shouting about insane things, doing strange impressions of him (?!?) I have managed to avoid her so far today, as I really have nothing to say to her... Am I being unfair? For those of you that suggest she might need mental help..?

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 01/01/2015 18:12

I think you need to sit down and just say 'look mum, what was that about last night, whats the matter?' and see how it goes.

She wasn't drunk was she?

New Year can be a bad time for a lot of people mental health wise, I think it would be wise to tread carefully and try to get to the bottom of it. It may turn out she's just being a crank, but it does sound like it's something more.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/01/2015 18:13

Right. So the op who is very aware of her mothers normal behaviour is just a heartless cow because instead of thinking "ohhhh this is very unusual lets find a medical excuse for it" is instead thinking "the bloody woman is at it again I should probably kill her" perhaps this is because she's known her for her entire life,it is not unusual and is just par for the course with her mother.

My mother is a cunt a particularly nasty one her behaviour has escalated over the last few years and its got bugger all to do with mental illness.

ArsenicFaceCream · 01/01/2015 18:14

OP are we right in thinking that you have posted about her before? All that backstory is relevant, if so.

GraysAnalogy · 01/01/2015 18:17

needsAsock if you read the OP's last post you'll see that the mother has always been pretty unreasonable, but this is a bit more than that and OP described this situation as 'completely mad' - so out of the ordinary.

People don't just do this sort of thing for no reason. Does she sound completely at well in her head to you? Hiding shoes? Screaming at 5am?

Just because your mother was a 'cunt' doesn't mean that stands for everyone elses. There's absolutely nothing wrong in suggesting there may be mental illness at play here.

GraysAnalogy · 01/01/2015 18:20

Just read a bit of a backstory and OP, all I can say is have this chat, if nothing is resolved just leave.

It isn't healthy for you. You shouldn't have to live with a woman who makes you feel like crap continuously.

Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/01/2015 18:22

She wasn't drunk as far as I know. In fact, it would have been better of she had been, at least that would have been some sort of excuse for it... Just can't believe that she actually did all that. She makes it well known that she hates boyfriend (for a long list of bizarre reasons) and makes life extremely difficult in that respect. But hiding his shoes, essentially keeping him hostage in the house so she could shout abuse at him really is something else.

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 01/01/2015 18:24

You've been there for a good few months now what moves have you made to move out?

I know you're waiting for some sort of inheritance thing to be sorted out but by now in your shoes I would have left.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/01/2015 18:37

The thing is lots and lots of unreasonable people are around and a great many of them behave in very strange unpleasant ways. Granted I come into contact with a lot of them (due to an aspect of my work)but hearing about screeching at 5am about nonsense especially with the 'outsider blaming' and shoe hiding and binning others possessions is not something that I don't hear about regularly.

And there is something a little wrong with mental illness being the first thing you think of when hearing about a person who behaves badly.

outtahell · 01/01/2015 18:39

OP, I think you should move out asap, then worry about addressing your mother's mental health. If you try to convince her to go to the Dr while living there she might lose it and throw you out without letting you take your things or something. You must look after yourself first.

YANBU to have thoughts like that about your mum - I used to think things like that about my own mother who I suspect has some sort of personality disorder. Do you feel comfortable sharing more examples of your mother's behaviour? Do you think she is jealous of your boyfriend taking the starring role in your life?

GraysAnalogy · 01/01/2015 18:42

And there is something a little wrong with mental illness being the first thing you think of when hearing about a person who behaves badly

No it's someone behaving strangely or out of character, please don't try and make out that I'm being offensive. It sounds like she was in a manic state, which is a mental problem - one I know all too well. It's important that we look at all avenues before righting someone off as just a 'cunt'. That's dangerous thinking.

GraysAnalogy · 01/01/2015 18:45

But yes, the backstory to this is awfully relevant. Your mother has consistently treated you badly. You need to leave. You're 30 (sorry if this is wrong I read on another topic) so it's not like you need to depend on her.

GraysAnalogy · 01/01/2015 18:48

To be fair though it would seem your boyfriend hasn't treated you well in the past either, perhaps this is partly why she's angry

Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/01/2015 19:02

I know I know. I think I will get onto looking at flats tomorrow. It's just so awful and so embarrassing... I have had a pretty shitty Christmas for various other reasons, and this is the final straw.

OP posts:
SugarPlumTree · 01/01/2015 19:08

I am totally with Graysanatomy with this in all levels.

Sorry you have had such a shit Christmas Flowers Flat hunting sounds like a good start to a fresh new year.

GraysAnalogy · 01/01/2015 19:40

Hope you manage to find somewhere OP. It might even be exciting for you to just get your own place and get away from it all, get some peace.