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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to go to the hospital?

26 replies

ColdFeetWarmHeart · 31/12/2014 10:34

My nan is in hospital with pneumonia, has been since Saturday. I didn't go to visit straight away as we still had Christmas guests, and I'm also still getting good over a chest infection myself (didn't want to take extra germs into the hospital).

I have basically been told by my mum that I will go up to hospital with her today. Which is fine, only she is sedated. She will have no clue that I am there and I will be able to do nothing to help her feel better.

Can anyone help me see the logic on this? As in LOTS of people visiting someone in a medically induced coma. Obviously partner and children may want to go up everyday regardless, but to gave about 10 visitors in an intensive care ward throughout the afternoon.......I don't know. To me it seems pointless, and I know that sounds mean. But I would rather visit someone who knew I was there!

OP posts:
Charlie97 · 31/12/2014 10:37

Tough one, but pneumonia is very serious, my mother passed away from this,

Do you think your mum wants you to realise how serious it is or she feels you should maybe say your goodbyes, just in case the worst happens?

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 31/12/2014 10:37

If she's completely unaware of the visitors it seems pointless to me too. Are you completely over your chest infection too, as I wouldn't want to take germs into a hospital, or go myself in a vulnerable state.

LIZS · 31/12/2014 10:37

Go, you may regret it if you don't. You don't need to stay long and indeed hdu staff may suggest a short visit rather than a continual stream.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 31/12/2014 10:40

If it is a goodbye situation though, I would make the visit.

Pico2 · 31/12/2014 10:40

You probably have to see it as doing it for your mum, not your nan.

PumpkinPie2013 · 31/12/2014 10:40

Sorry you're nan is ill Sad
You were right to stay away with the chest infection as it isn't good to pass that on to people who are already very ill.

Could it be that your mum has been told your nan may not survive and that's why she wants you to go?

For an intensive care unit to let lots of people in is quite unusual unless there is a very good reason.

Whatever you decide I hope things go well for you and your family.

Original poster
ColdFeetWarmHeart · 31/12/2014 10:42

I think my mum is thinking this may be my last chance to go. Will be back at work at end of the week and won't be able to go up. I know it's very serious, the Dr's have given us her chances etc.

I don't think I am 100% better myself. Not coughing etc anymore but still feel shattered. I wouldn't go if I was still having coughing fits. That wouldn't be fair to my nan or the rest of the patients.

OP posts:
iwantgin · 31/12/2014 10:45

It sounds to me like your mum is nudging you to go as it may be a good bye.

Hopefully not, and your gran pulls through - but as long as you keep it short, wash your hands lots I see no problem with you going.

Original poster
ColdFeetWarmHeart · 31/12/2014 10:46

Yesterday when there were lots of people visiting they were taking it in turns to sit with her. So there were up to 4 round the bed and the rest in the hallway.

To be honest, the main reason I am going is to support my mum.they aren't really close (as in not as close as I am with my mum) but obviously she is still her mum and she is upset she has been given just a 50% chance.

OP posts:
DandyHighwayman · 31/12/2014 10:48

You don't want to go, do you?

How to say this to your mother without her finding you unsupportive though? Hmmmm tricky one.

Original poster
ColdFeetWarmHeart · 31/12/2014 10:50

I am hoping that we'll have update from hospital this morning to say they've taken her out of sedation.

OP posts:
AnyoneforTurps · 31/12/2014 10:51

Is there something you're not telling us? From what you have said, your DGM is about to die. Of course, you were right not to visit while you were potentially infectious but, if you are now just tired, it seems odd not to want to say goodbye and your DM probably finds it hurtful. Do you have another reason for not going? Some people are very anxious in hospitals, for example. Or you might not want your last memory of your DGM to be of her being so sick. If you have a reason not to go, it would be better to share it with your DM, otherwise she will think that you don't care about her mother.

CalleighDoodle · 31/12/2014 10:52

I think yab a little selfish. Visiting someone im hospital is not about you. Are you exaggerating the cheat infection a bit too maybe? So you feel less to blame? Have you actually been to the docs?

lemisscared · 31/12/2014 10:53

I barely visited my father when he was dying, he didn't know i was there, it was upsetting and i just couldn't cope with it. I bitterly regret it now but i made my decision knowing i would. No one should force you to go if you don't want to go, do think about how you will feel afterwards. If it is simply to support your mum then do go if you can but otherwise, do what you feel.

TheNewSchmoo · 31/12/2014 10:53

I too get the impression that you just don't want to go. Only you know the true reason for this.

thegreylady · 31/12/2014 10:57

Think your mum wants you with her as support. She is seeing her mother in what may be one of the last visits she can have. Of course she wants her daughter with her. It is an act of love. You may well be in her position one day.

HeraldAngelSinging · 31/12/2014 11:06

This sounds like a scenario where you will regret it for the rest of your life if you don't go, OP. And keep going.

OneStepCloser · 31/12/2014 11:11

Maybe your DM would like some support? I would go just for that tbh.

Yambabe · 31/12/2014 11:13

Ease up on the OP a bit huh?

Entirely possible that she wants to remember her DGM how she was rather than how she is now in the hospital, and to say goodbye in her own way.

Everyone has a different way of coping with death and the attendant grief. Not everyone can face it head-on.

OP if you really don't want to go to see her and the outcome isn't looking good could you maybe write her a letter? This may help you with closure later should the worst happen.

Hatespiders · 31/12/2014 11:22

As your mum wants very much for you to accompany her, I think it's best if you do go. Firstly, it will be a support to her; she must be miserable in this difficult situation, seeing her mum in such a serious condition. And secondly, if (and I sincerely hope this isn't the case) the worst happens, you'll be comforted by the fact that you saw her at the last.
I'm so sorry about your nan, and your own illness too. Flowers

Aubrianna · 31/12/2014 11:24

I dont think it will matter to your gran in a way BUT your mum probably needs your support and so in a round about way (assuming they were close) I would feel like I was helping my grandmother by being there for my mum.

Unless you feel like you would be really badly affected by this I would just make the trip to avoid any potential bad feelings if anything happens.

Finola1step · 31/12/2014 11:40

I have very recently lost my DMIL. I lost my dad last year. All mine and DH's GPs gone. I have been in many a hospital word, ICU, hospice etc. I never want to go. I dread it. I want to run away and hide. But I go because its important for a family to support each other.

I know why I hate going. Only you know why you don't want to go. But I would advise that you think very carefully about going to support your own mum.

Original poster
ColdFeetWarmHeart · 31/12/2014 11:51

Thank you for the people who think I am entirely selfish. I wasn't saying I wasn't going to visit her, I was asking for help to make sense of lots of people visiting a person who is in a medically induced coma.

No I am not exaggerating my chest infection. I have been ill since the beginning of November. I have asthma and find it difficult to shift and colds or infections. I have not been to Dr's yet as it's doubtful they will give me anything to help. I went to Dr's last year after being ill for 3 months and they wouldn't give me anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
ColdFeetWarmHeart · 31/12/2014 11:55

On phone to my mum now. She has told me not to go with her as I am not well and there are obviously signs up at hospital saying not to go in if you have colds etc. A couple of my cousins have been told the same.

My mum is going up with her brother today so she won't be on her own. Hopefully I will be better by Saturday do I can go up with my mum then.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 31/12/2014 12:03

They do say that hearing is the last sense to go. When my MIL was at home, before her death at the beginning of December, she was unconscious a lot of the time (partly her condition, and partly the heavy pain medication she was on) but dh and his brother still spent time with her, talking to her, on the basis that she might still be aware, on some level, that they were there with her.

In fact, dh was pottering round the room, setting up his stuff to get on with some work, and wittering gently about what he was doing, when she passed on - and that has been a big comfort to him in the weeks since she passed away.

That said, I do know that it is difficult to see a loved one so ill, and not everyone can - or should - make themselves do it. Ds3, who is 17, last saw his grandmother when she came to visit in the summer, and she was quite frail then - a big change from the last time he had seen her - and he found this very distressing (though he didn't say anything at the time). Later on, when she was admitted to the hospice, she was much frailer and more ill than when she visited, and he decided he couldn't face the thought of seeing her like that, and would prefer to remember her how she'd been the last few times he had seen her.

His older brothers and I did go and visit her in the hospice (which meant ds2 and I flying down from Glasgow - she was in a hospice in Southampton, so it was a big trip). I used to be a nurse, so was not upset by seeing her bedbound and so ill, and the boys did cope well with it - in fact, ds1, who is at university in the South, went to visit her several more times in the hospice and when she was discharged home.

What I am trying to say is that, whilst it was absolutely right for ds1 and ds2 to see their grandmother, and I am sure that they are glad that they did, it was equally right for ds3 to decide he didn't want to see her like that. We did make sure that we offered him the opportunity several more times (she lived for a couple of months after ds1, ds2 and I visited her in the hospice) - I wanted to be sure he didn't regret his decision afterwards, and wanted him to know he could change his mind if he wanted to, and we would facilitate a visit - but he never did, and I am comfortable that he made the right decision for him.

He and his brothers helped dh carry their grandmother into and out of the church, for her funeral, and I have never been more proud of any of them.