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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish he would just stop or slow down?

42 replies

mawinter · 30/12/2014 21:07

Years ago when I was still a teenager we were driving back from picking up another friend at her house and were headed back to mine when my one friend driving the car accidentally struck and killed a pedestrian.
It is a long weird story, but in short the guy just stood in the street raised his glass and smiled at us as my friend struck him. He thought we were some people he had been having a fight with earlier. My friend was not wearing his glasses while driving and unfortunately was looking away, so did not notice him until too late and I opened my mouth to yell stop but nothing came out.
I have suffered PTSD for years now and even attended therapy for it, which did not help. I also suffer chronic nightmares as a result of the PTSD.
My DH knows about what happened and still drives like a fricken ass. His thing is he does not need to slow down because to him someone who crosses the street in front of a car should know damn well they better move fast and out of the way before a car comes. I have repeatedly asked him to slow down when we see someone crossing on the street and have explained how much this bothers me and sets me back, but he does not seem to care and acts like I am the one with the problem only.
Am I being unreasonable here or is he?

OP posts:

Hatespiders · 30/12/2014 23:16

What a dreadful experience for you op. And no wonder it still haunts you.
But even if it had never happened, your dh is absolutely despicable in his attitude to driving, and pedestrians in particular. I'd refuse (as others have said) to ever get in the car with him at the wheel. I'd fear for my own safety, but also for that of other road users and pedestrians too.

I'm surprised he hasn't been stopped by the Police before now for driving like an imbecile. He will one day I'm sure.

My old driving instructor (he died years ago) always said that a person's character shows in their driving style, and I think that's true. What does that say about your dh?

Jux · 30/12/2014 23:18

He is an arse. His luck will run out.

drbonnieblossman · 30/12/2014 23:21

He's a cunt. But he'll have time to contemplate just how much of a cunt he is when he ends up with a death on his hands and is in prison.

Do not get in the car with him. He is a danger to those around him.

BathshebaDarkstone · 30/12/2014 23:33

YANBU. I would be freaked out by somebody being so reckless.

catsofa · 30/12/2014 23:40

Yes I would leave him over this too, if he really won't stop. I have PTSD too and avoiding triggers, except under carefully controlled therapeutic circumstances, is your right and not something it's ok for someone else to just ignore.

Refuse point blank to get in a car with him driving again.

BaffledSomeMore · 30/12/2014 23:44

Are there any options where you live for driver re-education? I assume that he thinks he's a driving god and has super abilities so not quite sure how you'd get him on a course. Can you have a chat with the local police?

GretnaGreen · 31/12/2014 00:52

"to him someone who crosses the street in front of a car should know damn well they better move fast and out of the way before a car comes."

Basic rule: if you're driving a car and it is possible for you to avoid hitting someone, you're the one who's in the wrong if you don't. YANBU.

SorchaN · 31/12/2014 03:34

He's not just risking the safety of pedestrians - he's also risking your safety.

People don't always judge speed and distance well (especially children, or people who are unwell). And sometimes there are other things going on: a few months ago I stopped when pedestrians ran into the road in front of my car, and it turned out the man was trying to push his girlfriend under my wheels. Fortunately, I slowed down and no one was hurt... he was prosecuted though.

Your partner's lack of concern for your PTSD is not simply insensitive, it's abusive. And frankly, when I see men driving like that, I always think, "He must have a really tiny penis..."

AcrossthePond55 · 31/12/2014 03:41

Hell, if I were you I'd take out my mobile and threaten to call the police right then and there and report him if he didn't slow down.

What he is doing is exceptionally cruel to you and supremely indifferent to the safety of others. I can't believe that someone who could be so uncaring of others could only have this one 'fault'.

I think you'd better take a look at him and at your relationship as a whole and decide if you really want to be with him.

Bulbasaur · 31/12/2014 04:15

I'm on the fence with this one here. On one hand, your PTSD is going to mess with your judgement. If you're being triggered, a pedestrian a good 100 feet away, is going to seem like 10. A healthy gap between a person and care will seem like an almost hit. Because you're reliving what happened, so your mind is going to quickly connect dots that may or may not be there.

I know a few people with PTSD, and when they're triggered, what seems like a perfectly innocuous or low risk thing to an outside is "OMG! There's an ax murderer about to get me RIGHT NOW" to the person having the flash back, and they will think they're having a perfectly reasonable reaction in their level of intensity. We're all sitting there confused as to why they're flipping out.

I'm not saying this is the case, but PTSD does make it hard to reasonably judge a situation sometimes.

If he's triggering you though, you might want to think about whether you want to get in the car with him again. It's no so much that's he's triggering you, it's that he blatantly has made it clear that he doesn't care that he's doing so. If it was unintentional, he would explain that he's being reasonable instead deliberately winding you up like he is.

Bulbasaur · 31/12/2014 04:17

Kindly ignore all the typos. :)

sockmatcher · 31/12/2014 04:22

I'd actually leave him too. He's got no respect for you or others.
Knowing the ongoing trauma you are suffeing and he still does it. Not cool.
Not how you treat someone you love.

Italiangreyhound · 31/12/2014 04:31

He sounds horrible, both a dangerous driver and a very inconsiderate husband.

I would not go anywhere with him by car if he was driving.

TheWindowDonkey · 31/12/2014 04:36

OP what a horrible experience for you to go through, and what a wanker your 'd'p is for not respecting that.
I had an exdp like this, he was an arsehole when driving (actually he was just an arsehole full stop) and used to speed uo when we wrgued on purpose to scare me. when i came to my senses and dumped him he started to date someone else very quicky.
Within two months they had come off the road in his car, with him driving. he walked with barely a scratch, she died of a broken neck... Even saying that still makes me shudder 15 years on...that poor girl. It easily could have been me on several occasions.
This guy you are with doesnt give a flying f**k about you. I would honestly get rid before you are involved in an accident.

Hatespiders · 31/12/2014 15:01

Donkey, that's truly shocking. As you say, that could so easily have been you.

HappenstanceMarmite · 31/12/2014 15:47

Here's the thing... Once your man steps out of the car, guess what? he becomes a pedestrian too. FFS. Might be worth reminding him of that. He is not a separate species. Does he do much mileage as he sounds inexperienced? (Speaking as someone who drives 30 - 50k miles a year for over 30 years, but still a pedestrian once I alight the car )

XiCi · 31/12/2014 16:19

Do you have children OP?
I honestly wouldn't let my kids in the car with him. Sooner or later he will have a bad accident if he is so reckless

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