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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why?

16 replies

Failingmum · 30/12/2014 15:48

Seriously, what motivates somebody to repeatedly tell you the hurtful judgements people make about you behind your back?

Is it stupidity, misplaced good intentions or veiled nastiness?

Surely they know it is going to hurt and no good can come from it, which leaves me thinking it must be shared with bad intent, no matter how sweetly they say it.

OP posts:

VitalStollenFix · 30/12/2014 15:51

I think it's mostly people who like to create drama and sit back little miss/mr innocent while a shit storm whips around them.

very occasionally it can be a situation where they assess that someone needs to know for whatever reason, but these are not the people that make a habit of it, the ones that always break their neck to report do it for the love of the fallout. They enjoy the trouble.

AgentZigzag · 30/12/2014 16:00

Shit stirring.

Pure and simple.

Agree with Vital that as a one off it can be done for good reasons so the person's not being duped by someone they think is nice when they're actually mouthing off about them behind their backs.

Original poster

Failingmum · 30/12/2014 16:30

Thanks Vital and Agent, I know I would confidently be saying the same if I wasn't involved in the situation!

OP posts:

victoryinthekitchen · 30/12/2014 16:31

it's a game for some people, they just seem to be wired up a bit weird imo.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/12/2014 16:38

"Seriously, what motivates somebody to repeatedly tell you the hurtful judgements people make about you behind your back?"
Repeatedly? That's always nastiness, and not even veiled.

And probably not even truthful. After all, if it was supposedly said behind your back, then you've no evidence it was said at all.

My guess would be that the person doing this wants to hurt the person they're saying it to, and that they're probably either envious of that individual or are just generally bitter with the world and want to spread as much hurt as they can .

opalstones · 30/12/2014 16:43

Has anybody noticed that the type of people to do this, are always the kind of people who say that they 'hate drama'.

'I hate drama, anything for a quiet life, gonna ignore the haters' etc is always a bare faced lie.

ILovePud · 30/12/2014 16:48

I'd say usually motivated by spite, I'd also say take what is said with a large pinch of salt. IME people who do this often have an agenda to try and make you feel insecure or undermine your relationships with those who they claim are making these comments.

Cobain · 30/12/2014 16:49

I find it is people who have nothing else to say, it's either gossip or they reveal just how little they have to talk about.

Original poster

Failingmum · 30/12/2014 18:45

Thanks for the objective views, I needed that to stop me excusing this behaviour any further

OP posts:

VitalStollenFix · 30/12/2014 19:18

it's difficult, isn't it?

What if when they started, you held up a hand and said I'll just stop you there, I don't want to know, thanks.

and don't let them. Just tell them you aren't interested.

tbh, I find people who do this actually are the ones who get the other person to say stuff in the first place, then report the other person's comments, but not the ones they made!

My mother used to do it re my grandma (her mother in law) we'd been nc for many years but then began minimal contact. My mum used to try to tell me she'd said this and that. I'd eventually had enough and I said did she? right, I'm going to call her and have a chat about that.

The back pedalling, if hooked up to the national grid, would have powered Birmingham.

LadyMaryofDownton · 30/12/2014 20:02

I always keep this in mind when I hear things like this.

"Don't tell me what they said, tell me why they felt so comfortable saying it to you"

I think that says it all really.

ILovePud · 30/12/2014 20:25

THAT is a genius response LadyMary I'm now hoping someone tries this on me just so I can use that line!

newyearsresolutionsnotforme · 30/12/2014 20:38

Nastiness mainly, a need to gossip as well. Very rarely is it genuine and when it is genuine you know, the person will be embarrassed and worried about telling you and doing so for a good reason. Very rare, usually it's the former two things and added to that wanting to make you feel inferior.

Original poster

Failingmum · 30/12/2014 20:39

Thanks Vital, it is difficult as I just don't want to believe that someone I have thought of as a close friend would intend to be nasty, but I can't deny it any more. I wasn't quick enough today to stop her before she stuck the knife in shared her knowledge and I am kicking myself for letting her see a (slight) reaction. After I had time to recover and reflect, I did let her know that in future she should keep any "knowledge" to herself as it wasn't helpful, though I think I will be limiting any opportunities for a next time.

I like it a lot LadyMary, wise words indeed!

OP posts:

QOD · 30/12/2014 20:42

My then best friend told.me what another good friend had said bout my weight. Was devastated. So humiliated and heartbroken. Led to me ultimately having a gastric bypass and losing 8 stone of ugly fat.
actually I'v now llost another 8 stone of ugly heart as my best friend and I are.no longer ...

Oldraver · 30/12/2014 20:47

My Mum used to be really bad at this. She itched for years to tell me something someone had said about me...I alwau=ys headed her off...when she finally told me I think she was waiting for some explosion on my part but I calmly told her it didn't surprise me what was said and that anyway the person concerned was of no consequence and therefore their opinion of me was invalid.

I then told her I held the tell tailer in more contempt for being spiteful enough to repeat it.

Funny she isnt so bad nowadays but still tries to stir between my DB and myself

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