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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want a bedroom for baby

23 replies

BritFlop · 30/12/2014 04:03

Me and DP have a 3 month baby. Baby son sleeps in crib in our room and will do until six months. The problem is where to move him to after that. We live in a 3 bedroom house, DP has an 18 year old son and 11 year old daughter. DD stays every weekend and has box room. DS rarely stays as he goes clubbing at weekends now but historically he slept in double bedroom. DS doesn't keep any belongings here, literally just one pair of pyjamas. His mum lives 5 mins away and he has a permanent bedroom there.

I suggested we start decorating double room now for baby and include a sofa bed so when 18 year old (or any guests) stays he can sleep there and baby can come in with us. DP hated this idea as it might make 18 year old feel pushed out. His suggestion is that baby son and DD share a room. I hate this idea - it means moving them both if we have weekend guests, there'd be a room sitting empty most of the time cos eldest not around, I'd have to creep around DD when settling baby in night, DD has loads of stuff and baby is getting that way so sharing compromises space, won't be long before DD is teenager and needs privacy, DD is SEN and I worry she would try to help with baby and be unintentionally dangerous e.g. trying to pick him up.

But DP still doesn't agree and keeps putting off conversations about it.

Is my suggestion for sleeping arrangements unreasonable?

WIBU for me to speak to DS and explain where I'm coming from to see how he'd feel about it? (We get on ok but he rarely says more than 2 words to anyone so not sure it'd be a very revealing chat).

FWIW my own parents separated and I know how shit it can be for kids at any age so if I thought it'd cause trauma I'd never have suggested the above.

OP posts:

Blackout234 · 30/12/2014 04:10

No, YANBU, DS is 18 and doesn't even stay there 99% of the time, you're completely reasonable. Also if dd is only 11 its a bad idea when it comes to sharing, She will need energy for school etc. What if baby is teething or ill (or just having a bad night?) she'll be falling asleep on her schoolwork! YANBU

MagicMojito · 30/12/2014 04:14

Honestly, I don't think yabu at all here. An 18year old should be able to understand that its about the logistics, not about bring pushed out. I think the issue will be more your dh's than your dss.

HaloItsMeFell · 30/12/2014 04:21

I am usually a bit wary about (some) stepmother's subtle efforts to marginalise stepchildren when their own babies come along, but in this case YANBU at all. It's a waste to leave that double room for him when he's 18 years old, hardly ever there and visit his dad and then walk home anyway.

I think as your DH is still very keen on being seen to provide a room for him (which I understand and commend) I think the answer is to put the baby in DSD's box room, and to put enough beds for both DSD and DSS in the double bedroom. If he's there so seldom I'm sure he won't mind sharing with his little sister once in a while. If he really objects he can sleep on the sofa or walk home.

DropYourSword · 30/12/2014 04:27

I would be inclined to agree with halo and suggest that the box room be turned into the nursery, and the bigger room be given to DD. That way it doesnt look like your are marginalising his children. If DS has virtually no possessions there and there's a bed 5 minutes away it seems fairer, although I do agree something should be arranged so he can stay there if needed. I dont think its fair a teenage girl and boy have to share a room - any chance a sofa bed/futon thing would fit in the box room for occasssional overnights when the baby can stay with you?

FishWithABicycle · 30/12/2014 05:07

How big is the double room? In some 3bed semis there is scope for one of the double rooms to be relatively easily partitioned with a stud wall to make 2 singles.

I realise that would make weekend guest options a bit more limited but you need to have your home suitable for your family primarily.

It's fine for DS to no longer have a huge double for his own but it wouldn't be right for him to have no space at all.

waithorse · 30/12/2014 07:59

YANBU. DSD should stay put and the larger room turned into a nursery with a sofa bed. Realistically it's the only solution that will work. Your DH is being stubborn. But it's your home and that of your baby to don't forget.

maddening · 30/12/2014 08:04

either you need a 4 bed house or go with your sensible suggestion.

KatieKaye · 30/12/2014 08:06

Definitely use the largest room for the person who lives in the house 100% of the time - which is the baby. A sofa bed is going to take up valuable floor space that your DS will need for playing in years to come

I'd get a high sleeper for DSS and put the cot underneath it. When DS is older, a toddler bed can go there until he's old enough to use the high sleeper. Take the fact that DSS does not live there all the time out of the equation - if he did, then what would you do? Two boys, bigger room, girl with SN - makes sense that the boys share

DH needs to talk to his son. Chances are he'll understand totally, because obviously the baby need to sleep somewhere. Is the real issue that DH doesn't have a great relationship with his son?

Inertia · 30/12/2014 09:34

Yanbu. Your partner is being ridiculous. Your step son is an adult who rarely stays - keeping a much-needed double bedroom as a shrine to stepson's pyjamas would be insane.

Jodie1982 · 30/12/2014 09:40

Put your foot down. Your baby is living there 100% of the time, DSS has a home just round the corner. YANBU ur DH is.

misskangaandroo2014 · 30/12/2014 09:42

YANBU. In order to make it clear to DP you are being practical but also considering everyone's feelings have you suggested this is raised with the 18 and 11 year old? The 18 year old in particular is likely to be fine with a sofa bed for occasional visits. (More than one suggestion could be put forward).

notauniquename · 30/12/2014 09:44

When I hear box room I think a pokey room with enough space for a single bed and a single wardrobe or chest of drawers.

I can see the appeal of having a nursery space in the big room, but it's not going to be the space where baby spend most of his time. or where most of his toys go...

If it were me; I'd let DSD have the bigger room, she's 11 so either at or about to be at secondary school and get more homework, get her a desk so that she can do said homework in there... (I doubt a desk would fit into the box room)
put the baby, which has a much smaller bed and less "stuff" and the need for less furniture in the smaller room. the baby will spend lots of time sleeping in there, but most "playing" time with you downstairs.

in a few years when DSD is 16 - 18 and will probably spend more time with her friends, and stay over less, and baby is 5 - 7 and starts wanting space to have friends to sleep over and more stuff, then you could swap them back and have 5 year old on big room and 16 year old infrequent stayer in a smaller room.

If you try to put the baby into the big room and then put a futon into it as well then you're asking for trouble and will be back asking if you're unreasonable to expect 18/19/20 year old DSS to not stay when he's been out with his friends drinking since he stays out late and drunk and wakes the baby up he shares a room with... or makes you wake the baby up to move rooms etc...

On the other hand, DSS is an adult, DSD is about to start becoming an adult, you could treat them as such and just ask them for their opinion... it could be that DSS just says, "yeah, I probably won't stay the night any more, or if I do I could just sleep on the sofa" -which would be problem solved.

FunkyBoldRibena · 30/12/2014 09:51

Family conference to look at options, your suggestion that you move to a bigger house so that all three can be accommodated, one of the step kids will surely suggest just getting a sofa bed, daughter moving to big room and baby to box room.

Kittymum03 · 30/12/2014 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatieKaye · 30/12/2014 09:52

DSD is only there at the weekends, so the bigger room would be unused for more than 1/2 the week.

She isn't going to keep as much stuff there for a couple of nights as OP will need for the baby, so it doesn't make sense to give her the bigger room. Plus, it isn't her main room - which is with her DM, a whole 5 minutes away. And it isn't solving where DSS would sleep.

DHs children have two sets of bedrooms, the baby should at least have one decent room.

ApocalypseThen · 30/12/2014 09:58

Has your partner offered any solutions at all?

MrsTawdry · 30/12/2014 10:15

My friend had this trouble and she spoke to her step daughter first...who agreed it ridiculous that the baby wouldn't have it's own room. Most sensible 18 year olds would! Of course the baby has a room of his own.

wheresthelight · 30/12/2014 10:42

we had this issue when we bought our house, we couldn't afford a 4 bed so dss got the smallest room and has a high sleeper with a pull out futon under in case he has friends over and a desk for homework, a tall but slim bookcase and drawers - hr loves it. dsd and dd share the biggest room. dd is here all the time and dsc's only for part of the time so I don't see why they should get the best rooms when they are barely here.

I think you dh is being unreasonable but it depends massively on how it has been broached.

I would either suggest that dss and ds share the bigger room or that he finds a way that you can have a 4th bedroom

Original poster

BritFlop · 30/12/2014 11:05

Thanks everyone. Given that the chances of moving to a 4 bed place are extremely remote, I think a family conference is probably the way to go, but (and I know IABU) I am bit wary about putting decision in hands of a non-communicative teenager and a little girl who won't anticipate the practical side of sharing with baby. Really I just want my own way on this but I know that's unfair!

OP posts:

erin99 · 30/12/2014 11:07

Family conference to explore all the options. I think your suggestion is sensible but if DSS can suggest it, or any other workable solution (futon in dining room?) then that'll go down better than anything imposed on him. And if DSD is happy to share with baby, you could explore that option more.

Appreciate your DP is in a difficult position so it needs some input from DC.

Just another thought, will DSS be going off to uni or anything in Sept? If so, one compromise option might be that baby is in with you until then. Or baby has a cot in DSS's room most of the time and comes in with you when DSS is staying. I'm not suggesting you are a doormat to DSS but your DP is right to be protective of their 'territory' and it does need careful handling. Which is not to say he can stick his head in the sand and refuse to consider the options.

mrsminiverscharlady · 30/12/2014 11:13

When my DH went to university at 18 his parents immediately threw his bed out and replaced it with a sofa bed. It was still actually his home! He was ok with that and could see the bigger picture (gave siblings more space) then I don't think what you're proposing is unreasonable!

FunkyBoldRibena · 30/12/2014 11:26

Given that the chances of moving to a 4 bed place are extremely remote,

Yes - that is indeed the point. You suggest something completely bizarre, they come up with the sensible suggestion that you wanted all along.

waithorse · 30/12/2014 12:04

Op your solution isn't unfair in the slightest. It is the most workable idea for everyone.

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