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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in refusing to give exH one last chance re: contact?

20 replies

CloudiaPickle · 29/12/2014 23:13

Have posted about exH before. He was abusive in every way to me but I've always tried my best to facilitate contact with 8 yo DD since we separated 6 yrs ago. She has always been moody/rude etc after contact and recently this has been worsening to the point of emotional meltdowns after contact; usually she is extremely happy. She is only ever sad after contact.

He breaks promises constantly, is disinterested in her, gets angry if she complains about anything, has badmouthed me repeatedly and has hinted at her that I'm mentally ill because my mum is and that one day she and I will no longer speak like I no longer speak to my mum.

She asks to call me and he tells her I don't answer because I'm too busy with her siblings - he doesn't call. This time she said she was crying for 1.5 hours because he wouldn't let her call me and that she asked repeatedly to go home but he couldn't take her because he'd been drinking. She asked him to call me to collect her and he told her I'd refused. He didn't call. He told her he wants her to live there (considering he currently sees her twice a month by his choice!) or at least half the time. She was terrified that this could happen.

I've posted before about him not caring for her when ill - taking her out and not letting her rest resulting in her getting worse. He refuses to take her to parties/activities or allow me to do so.

He called tonight suggesting we meet for a chat to have a fresh start for the new year; bearing in mind he's been badmouthing/ignoring me for months or else been verbally abusive calling me a terrible mother, a disgrace, a failure and so on.

He's been threatening to take me to court for over a year and I've refused holiday contact (at DDs request) to encourage him to do just that so CAFCASS can investigate the welfareiissues I have. DD is aware of the court process because DH has been through it with her step siblingsand has asked that we take that route so she can state her wishes. Aibu to refuse his request to chat and instead let him take me to court? I've given him countless chances and 6 yrs on he's never changed for longer than a few weeks and I've had enough of seeing DD upset by it all.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 29/12/2014 23:16

Id tell him to see me in court and start prepping my evidence file.
Also, id tell her that he didnt call or ask, as otherwise you look the bad person.
Does she even want to see him?

PurpleWithRed · 29/12/2014 23:18

Do not talk to him. Let him take you to court.

whatsinanamearose · 29/12/2014 23:21

She is 8, she sounds like she is having a horrid time of contact and she has expressed a wish not to go. If I were you, I would call and say that DD does not want to see him. She is old enough that she can be listened to in this matter. If he tries to take it further, any involved professionals will take into account what your DD has to say. They might suggest that it continue as long term this might be better for her personal development, but I really doubt it. Just stick to your guns and do what you think is best for your DDs emotional well-being. Good luck!

DoubleValiumLattePlease · 29/12/2014 23:21

Court. Definitely. He sounds like an arse end of the very worst kind - I feel it only fair that the judiciary should have their chance to denounce him as such! Good luck Smile

Dawndonnaagain · 29/12/2014 23:21

Write everything down. Keep all texts. Ensure the court know that he doesn't contact you for anything when she is there. Ensure they fully understand that he pretends to call you.
Do not communicate with him verbally. Email or text only so that it can be used as evidence.

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 29/12/2014 23:31

She reminds me of me when we were married tbh. Before every time she sees him she's full of hope that he's changed, then afterwards she's devastated and emotional because he hasn't. She says she wants to see him but not as much and that she'd rather he just take her out and bring her home than stay there. He suggested to me/her that the three of us sit down and talk about why she's unhappy but I don't feel she should be put in the middle/on the spot like that and she has said to me that it'd be pointless because she can't be honest about her feelings in front of him.because it'd make him angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 29/12/2014 23:35

He refuses to communicate via email/text Dawn and I have said verbal communication is pointless as he later denies/forgets things said so we're in a bit of a stalemate. I worry the court would see me as being in the wrong for refusing to speak to him on the phone/in person about DD but I think written communication is a much better solution.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 29/12/2014 23:36

as a stepmum I would normally jump to the exh defence but I have read your previous threads about her being ill and I have to say your phrase of choice needs to be "then take me to court"

I would stop all contact if he genuinely is as vile as you say - admittedly there are two sides and it is possible that your daughter is playing you off against each other. however you know her best and if her mental and physical well being is not being protected by her father then contact is not in her best interest and at the end of the day contact is about the child's best interest not the parents

wheresthelight · 29/12/2014 23:39

I agree about refusing to discuss anything that isn't written.

dp's exw is a nightmare for the sudden onset of amnesia whenever an agreement is made and then later doesn't suit her plans. Dp has always tried to maintain verbal contact but recently has come around to making sure that everything is done on email. she hates it and tries to refuse as it means that there is written evidence of her being a cow which is also why your exh given his history won't want it written but keep repeating "email me and we will discuss it in writing so no one can forget" is the best statement

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 29/12/2014 23:46

She checked his phone after he said he called me to.collect her and saw that he hadn't so she knew he was lying. But that just caused further upset because she doesn't understand why he'd lie.

It's like he just forgets everything he's said/done every six months or so and tries to be pally with me again saying to think of the future rather than dwell on the past and then makes me out to be a bitch when I refuse to communicate verbally.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 29/12/2014 23:50

given the history the courts will be quite pleased for written communication as it takes away the he said/she said element

Aeroflotgirl · 30/12/2014 00:18

I remember your threads Claudia, he is incapable of putting your dd needs and welfare first, she is very clued up. I would just refuse, and let him take you to court. Your dd is very onto him, and I think is understanding the measure of her deadbeat dad. I would do all I could to keep him away from her.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/12/2014 00:21

Yes communicate via e mail or text so that you have evidence. He was emotionally and physically abusive to op, and no reason to doubt that he is not to the child. Why would the child make up things like that and refuse to see him, if he was a good father

MyFirstName · 30/12/2014 00:35

Can you get her a cheap (non smart ie old type Nokia) payg phone when she is there. Then she can call or text you?

Jux · 30/12/2014 01:21

Get her a cheap phone for contact days.

Now, start amassing evidence. Document everything, everything. He may refuse to communicate via text or email, that doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't.

Get everything down in emails, confirming everything that's arranged, stating what actually happens, everything he says and does, everything dd says and does.

See him in court.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/12/2014 02:16

If there is no court order currently in place then you can basically tell him to go fuck himself. You can certainly refuse all communication other than email - you are not obliged to answer phone calls from this knob or meet him face to face.
Collect all the evidence of his abusive behaviour (write a record, keep texts/letters and note down anything DD has said) to use if it does go to court, but it's quite likely that he will just disappear once he realises that you and DD are not afraid of him and have no intention of blindly obeying him.

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 30/12/2014 09:43

He won't let her have a phone there.

Have been keeping records but worry the courts won't see through his charismatic alienated dad act.

OP posts:
champtastic · 30/12/2014 09:44

YANBU

I was in the same situation with my ex-h. He did eventually take me to court, and lost. In our case Cafcass recommended he have no contact with our DCs apart from he can write to them once a month. He never bothers. Children are much happier.

Good luck. And yes, document everything. Note dates, times, what your DD has said, etc. I was better prepared than my ex was and he just turned into a seething mess in court shouting how unfair it was Hmm

Good luck.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/12/2014 11:22

I would not let her go, if she has no means of being able to contact you. Let him take you to court and if he does, get cafcass on board.

nunkspugget · 30/12/2014 11:33

Record phone calls. And you don't have to tel him its being recorded, only businesses have to. It will make great evidence!

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