AIBU to think this is not my fault!!!

[Ceasre]

Just to give a little background my mum is 70 and has lots of medical conditions that require her to take a substantial amount of different medications daily plus lots of hospital visits for various different ailments due to Lupus, a heart condition and gastro problems.

She was diagnosed with Alzheimers in March, but is still living at home. The district nurses visit morning and evening to give her meds and carers visit morning and evening as well. There have been various issues with district nurses giving incorrect meds, carers leaving her front door open and all sorts of other issues and I have had to be very on the ball. Social services have not been very helpful and I go to all hospital appointments, and so forth.

Around May she suddenly began to have excruciating back pain and after various hospital visits she was diagnosed with Osteoporsis and they identified old fractures. The GP tried various pain management treatments but because of issues with her other meds they have not been successful and she was referred to a pain clinic. Because of the delay the NHS have sent her to a private hospital to see a private consultant.

We went on 14th November for the initial consultation and after a short examination he recommended trigger point injections and advised that her blood thinning tablet clopidogrel must be stopped 1 week before the procedure. He wrote to mum's GP on 24th November giving details of his findings and his planned intervention. Around beginning of December I had a call from his clinic to fix a date, 2nd Jan so I booked day off work (I work fulltime). I did call the clinic around beginning of December as I wanted to make sure they were aware that she is unable to lie flat on her tummy (this is being done in theatre). They wanted me to make an appointment to speak to the consultant again rather than speak to him on the telephone, but I refused as I would need to take at least half a days leave for something that would take 2 minutes over the telephone. The consultant did call me and the call lasted about 3 minutes as he agreed it could be done standing up. Fine! He followed that call up with a letter to the GP copying my mum (so I only got the letter the week before Christmas).

On Saturday due to all the issues with the district nurses I thought I better try and see if I could figure out if the clopidogrel had been stopped by looking at her records held at her house (her meds are kept in a medicine safe). The records are a complete mess, but I managed to figure out that the clopidogrel had not been stopped.

I emailed the consultant and explained and spoke to her GP today who said the consultant had not advised him the date of the procedure. I have just checked my emails and found a very arsey response from the consultant stating the procedure has to be cancelled and blaming me for not advising the GP of the date of the procedure. WTAF, surely that is his admin people. It even says in his first letter to the GP that he will copy the "clinic who can organise this with you around her date for the procedure". I am so upset that I am being blamed for this. How should I respond?

If it's all being done through the NHS, speak to PALS.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with an incompetent system.

Say something about being surprised at the content of his letter as he had previously stated in original letter (attach it if you can) that he would inform the GP of surgery date. Say you are disappointed that the surgery isn't going ahead on the agreed date now due to to a misunderstanding.

It is not your fault the GP should have been copied in. Definitely not your fault or responsibility.
Being me I would like to think I would have checked the day before it was due to stop that it was being stopped but it would have been holiday period so not possible and I can be v scatty so may not have done.
I would copy them both in and say you are upset for being blamed when this is a professionals responsibility, GPs like written proof so would have wanted a letter anyway. That you have done the best you could at a time when communications with professionals is not possible due to festive period but what you do is a favour and should not be expected.
Look at it this way you have prevented your mother from potential harm well done for being there and caring.

I like violetta's less confrontational but would add that you understand it has to be postponed due to safety reasons hence why you checked.

Many thanks. Going to use Violetta's response. Will report to PALS once procedure has been done. I am just upset at the thought of it being my fault. My poor mum was really scared about having them until my cousin went to visit her and reassured her that she has them semi regularly and they are great.

The last year has been so difficult for us both, my mum because she is so scared about the Alzheimers, hates having people coming into her house all the time and is not eating properly so is very underweight and for me because I constantly worry about her weight so I nag her and she hates it and then I hate myself because I do not want to upset her as she has enough to deal with already. I now manage all her affairs and do her shopping, and if everything else went smoothly it would be manageable, but nothing ever seems to.

Wtaf? I'm furious on your behalf. How dare the consultant so much as insinuate this is your fault, let alone blame you. It is their responsibility to have communicated such vital information, and they are lucky and should be grateful that you have prevented any harm by alerting them the meds hadn't been stopped. I am amazed by how calm you sound. Don't let them make you feel bad for their cock up, keep your cool, and if you can - continue with the stellar job you have been doing in trying to get the best care for your mother. It is a lot of responsibility, and there must be strong emotions seeing your mother's health deteriorate.

I hope things go smoother, PALS are helpful, and please don't blame yourself.

In all reality, the visiting nurses cannot hold medications on your say so anyhow - the order must come from a physician. They are trying to place the blame, please do not feel guilty, you are not the fall guy.