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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dad not wanting to see one of his children

23 replies

chocolate12345 · 29/12/2014 20:44

Hello,

I'm be really grateful for any advice here... Abit of history! I have two children (4 and 2) and I split up from their dad in June 2013 however we continued to live in the same house until December 2013 when I moved back to a location an hour away with family as having lost money on selling my house I had nowhere to go. I messaged their dad every week for 3 months to arrange access but all I received were numerous daily nasty messages about how Id stolen the children and how he would come and take them. Nothing was ever about seeing them - it was about what a horrid person i am. Eventually it stopped and I heard nothing for 8 months.

After being asked when contact was made, I took the children to see him but stayed with them because I was conscious of them not seeing him for some time and especially my youngest who doesnt know who he was. I felt best that I stayed with them and eased them into spending time with him before agreeing on overnight stays etc. He does not agree with this at all.

He is now saying that he only wants to see the eldest child as he believes by me moving out of the area that its stopped him bonding with the youngest. He tells me he only has one daughter, he never acknowledged the youngest's 1st or 2nd birthday (but did acknowledge her elder sisters). He's said there's no point in seeing the youngest as he'll never bond. He's now said he'd like to arrange to see my elder child. He also believes I should contact him each week to ask if he wants to see them rather than him contacting me. It has been 14 months since I've received any maintenance for my children.

I'm unsure how to handle the situation regarding seeing one child and not the other. It's completely gutted me that he's not bothering with one of his children and is not fair on her. I wonder how I will ever explain why her daddy doesn't want to know her. I explained to him that he'll need to make more effort with his youngest but he doesn't want to know.

I've only ever wanted to ensure that he was part of their life and I believe I made every effort that I could to do that but I'm still made to feel that I'm responsible for him not seeing them. He completely blames me for not having seen them for such a long period but hes made no effort.

I'd be grateful for any advice as I just feel at abit of a loss as how to handle the situation. Thanks. x

OP posts:

DoubleValiumLattePlease · 29/12/2014 20:48

I have no experience of this but I can't help thinking that I'd tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck............ How the hell dare he? Tell him to take you to court in the first place - although I'd go for all the kids or none. He can't pick and choose ffs. Sorry you're in this horrid situation.

Tryharder · 29/12/2014 20:48

Do you have any mutual friends or sympathetic ex in laws who could perhaps reason with him?

What about his mum? Is she not bothered about losing contact with one of her grandchildren?

I think some people just need to be told!

StockingFullOfCoal · 29/12/2014 20:49

I would tell him to fuck right off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more. He has two children so he sees his two children or none of them, in my opinion, and it would seem like they are both better off without him.

peppapigonaloop · 29/12/2014 20:52

That is awful and I can't believe he can behave in that way. Second the others tell him to fuck off as far as humanly possible..and to take you to court and see what a judge makes of his attitude...
I would not be facilitating contact with either child.. And keep as much of This in writing in case he tries to suggest you are at fault..

SillyBugger · 29/12/2014 20:53

He sounds awful, you can't do that to children! Let him take you to court for access - I'd love to see the judge's response to that request! What a complete git.

hoobypickypicky · 29/12/2014 20:54

What Stocking said.

If he gave a shit about either child he'd have been banging your door down to see them long ago. He doesn't. His only interest is in punishing and controlling you through your daughters.

For their sake and for yours, tell him to fuck off and keep those children out of his spiteful, harmful reach.

meandjulio · 29/12/2014 20:56

It's one thing to hear what his choice is, but irrelevant, as it's the children's best interests that are paramount. This usually includes time spent with both parents.

BlackeyedSantaStuckUpAChimney · 29/12/2014 20:56

email. he is welcome to see both children and build up contact as he has not seen them for x months/weeks. please email to make arrangements.

paper trail done. (save it in several places) let him take it further.

cms for maintenance.

waithorse · 29/12/2014 20:58

Don't let him see the oldest. Let him take you to court if he wants. He doesn't deserve to be a father.

wigglylines · 29/12/2014 21:01

I would refuse this request on the grounds that, long term, it could potentially be very damaging to your DD's relationship with each other. They should never have to understand why their dad only wanted to know one of them.

SharonBu · 29/12/2014 21:10

I agree with contacting him by email or text message and keeping it all. Do you still have the messages where you tried to arrange access and he abused you? Those would be gold dust to any family lawyer.

If he hasn't bonded with his youngest 1) that's his own fault and 2) a good father wouldn't give up and would try his hardest to bond now. He obviously doesn't give a shit.

BirdhouseInYourSoul · 29/12/2014 21:11

I would be saying absolutely no way to this.

It would be harmful to your girls relationship in the future and that is exactly the point I'd be pushing should he try and take you to court.

Contact with one and not the other would cause too much emotional distress for both girls.

What a dick.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/12/2014 21:13

Well if you moved out last December and your youngest is 2, they were one year old when you moved out and your ex therefore had plenty of time to bond then. He's obviously at it, and I think we can all see why he's your ex!

"I've only ever wanted to ensure that he was part of their life and I believe I made every effort that I could to do that but I'm still made to feel that I'm responsible for him not seeing them. He completely blames me for not having seen them for such a long period but hes made no effort."
Why do you want him to be part of their lives? Why inflict such emotional abuse on two innocents? If he wanted to see them he would have made an effort to do so. He hasn't, all his efforts go into torturing you to the extent that you torture yourself.

Fuck him. Let him take you to court, the judge will love him. And rethink why you want him in their lives. He has the potential to really fuck with their heads and with the relationship between them .

Funkytown · 29/12/2014 21:14

Ok I'll tell you exactly what to do !
Laugh at his stupidity and then tell him to go fuck himself if he only wants to see one then take you to court to see just his 'one child' and see how far that gets him

Coconutty · 29/12/2014 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DixieNormas · 29/12/2014 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 29/12/2014 21:21

I've been on the other side of this. My father only wanted to know/ have custody of my sister. He ended up not having contact with either of us. It bloody hurts knowing for some reason your dad has taken against you since you were too young to understand. My sister had the exact opposite issue with our mother and suffered for it. Tell him it's both or neither, go to court if you must. Keep evidence of all this behavior. However I doubt he will have a relationship with either in the future, sisters tend to look out for each other, especially when a parent is this shitty. It's emotional abuse, nothing worse as a kid than the feeling you're unwanted by someone who's meant to love you the most.

andsmileimontherightpath · 29/12/2014 21:21

I actually think it could do damage to the older child she may fee guilty when older. It would make her resentful. It does not set a good example to either child about how to treat family/people.

OP is it possible he is just saying this to manipulate you into a position whereby you say no to both children then he can say it is you who has stopped access. Thus relieving his own twisted view of parenting and guilt.

I think how nasty he was and the lenght of time before he saw them makes him sound horrible anyway. Like others have said I'd wait for him to take you to court. I'd save any texts he sends too.

CalleighDoodle · 29/12/2014 21:24

What a selfish piece of work. Fuckofftothefarsideoffuckoff would be the clean version of what i would say. No advice but how awful for you and your daughters.

Starlightbright1 · 29/12/2014 21:25

You tell him he has 2 children and access arrangements is for both children.

Phone the CMS and open a case for both children..

Tell him you are offering contact initially for both his children ... hours with you present... every ...... . Let me know when you would like this to commence from......( This is a paper trail letter)

End of..

Starlightbright1 · 29/12/2014 21:26

Should he reject this offer then tell him you will be protecting the emotional development of both children. Let him take you to court

Runnyhunny · 29/12/2014 21:51

Problem is even if he were to 'grudgingly' agree to see your youngest dd, would that be a good idea? Would he really treat them equally? That might do more harm than good in itself.

My exh never made the effort to bond with our youngest. Grudgingly took him along twice a month with older dd but what good did that do to ds who is now 14 and they still have no bond? None at all, I'm sure ds thinks he himself is partly to blame.

On the other hand, there may be the teensiest chance that he would be won over by your younger dd, however undeserving he is. But you would have to monitor things very closely

Runnyhunny · 29/12/2014 21:59

Funnily enough, despite not wanting much to do with our youngest, the moment i met someone else, my ex made our lives a misery saying my new partner was not allowed near my kids as they were HIS kids, threatening me with all sorts...

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