I need advice to help my DD with the anxiety that I have caused

[CountryMummy1]

I started my almost 3YO DD at Nursery at the end of October. There was no need to (I am a SAHM) but I felt pressure from various people . I was a disaster (I posted here for advice at the time) and I ended up taking her out 2 weeks ago.

After starting Nursery she developed terrible separation anxiety. She clings to me like a limpet, screams if I even go outside to get something out of the car, won't let her dad get her up in the morning, won't stay with him playing in the lounge while I do chores. She will still stay with my mum and dad, although if the slightest thing upsets her she wants me again.

I have never had to deal with this before as she has always been great staying with members of the family. Do I accept that she needs to cling at the moment and go with it or do I try to push the staying with family a bit?

My DH is getting very upset as he always had a close relationship with her. Tonight she said she was sad (she has speech delay so she finds it hard to express herself). When I asked why she seemed to think for a bit and said daddy hit her. Now I know that this is 100% untrue. DH would never raise a hand to her, he never even shouts. Also, she hasn't left my side for a week!! When she said this DH looked like he was going to bursts into tears. All we can think of is that when DH and DD were playing with the Peppa Pig house today he got up to tend to our baby DS, didn't realise DD was behind him and knocked her over. DH is still upset tonight and said, "imagine if she said that to anyone, they would think I hit her and we could have social services round).

I am also really upset tonight. My DD's personality seems to have changed and it's all my fault. We were hoping to send her to the excellent school attached to that Nursery but I can't imagine I can ever send her there again now. It's my fault for sending her before she was ready.

How do I deal with this?

I also sense a huge amount of
Self blame in your posts - which feels very exhausting and anxiety producing. I think you need to work on your own anxiety and relax a bit about hers.

You definitely need to forgive yourself for both your sakes. Plenty of kids her age (maybe even a majority) have had no choice but to go to nursery, and while it may not have been ideal for them have not been scarred for life and she will not be either. Nursery plus a new sibling plus a lot of life changes is hard, esepcially for a sensitive child.

I also agree with other posters though that your anxiety levels seem very high - understandably with all that's going on - and it may well be that she is mostly picking up on this. My own mum was very highly strung and it's tricky as a child, you feel the need to protect them but also start to share all their worries... This is not at all trying to blame you, but just to say that maybe the best thing you can do is keep on loving and caring for her as much as you are, but also look after yourself and give yourself permission to relax. Maybe that does even mean leaving her with a caring and safe adult - dh or someone else - more occasionally so you can take a time out and so that she knows for sure that you will always come back, and also that you do have your own life without her (but still love her completely)

I agree this is not something you or nursery have caused. Children will hit patches of anxiety throughout their lives ( my 7 year old gets incredibly anxious on school days when she has times tables, dd1 (8) is going through a phase of not being able to go to sleep on her own), all we can do is love them and hold their hand and try to help them though.

When ds started preschool we knew he wouldn't be able to start without a long slow start (he has no speech and has special needs) I attended with him every session until he was happy with one member of staff (this took about 3 terms). He really was the clingiest child they had ever seen.

Amazingly (to everyone!) he started school last September, and after a slightly rocky start, he is very very happy.

Your dd will be ok, hold her nad, help her feel secure, find nursery/preschool you can tryst and work with them.

Good Luck.

I absolutely agree with Beggars. Although it might seem counterproductive I would let her be as clingy as she needs without making a huge fuss about it. Just go about your daily life and if she wants to be there too then let her. I remember doing all sorts, cooking, washing, shopping, going to the toilet, with an attached 2 year old. It doesn't make the clingyness worse it makes it better. It won't be forever,