Can't tell if IABU or should get over myself

[TwosaCrowd]

I have 2 DS, DS1 3years and DS2 4 months. I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder, currently off medication due to complicated reasons I won't go into (unless I need to later).

I don't feel depressed, or manic. But I feel like I'm really struggling to be a mother. I can't cope with how tired I feel all the time. The boys go to bed at 7pm, we dream feed DS2 at 11, then sometimes he wakes in the night for feed, sometimes he goes through until 6.30am. Which I know I should count my blessings for, and it could (and has been) much worse. But the other week, before we came to MILs for Christmas, I was so tired I felt like I couldn't go on anymore. I've just had a full blood test done and everything was ok, except my white blood cells which were too high, even though I don't have a virus or anything.

I'm terrified of my boys, of spending time with them. I dread the days when it's my turn to get up with them, I just don't know how to occupy DS1, and DS2 just cries all the time. Everyone says it's the early days that are the hardest, and I read about how people struggle with their newborns, but I was seriously fine earlier on, it's only now I'm struggling. I feel like interacting with them is hard work. I think I love them, I try my hardest with DS1 especially, lots of cuddles and bedtime stories and telling him I love him, but all I can think about is running away.

I've been reading a thread on here where posters told the OP that that's just parenthood, get used to it. And I can't. I wasn't meant to be a mother, DS1 was an accident, and I was barely coping with him, so why the fuck did I agree to have another child. DH goes back to work on Friday and I'm dreading it. This is my last night at MILs and I could cry. She never bothers to visit us, we have to travel to her, and it's too far to do it every weekend.

I know I just need to get on with it, but I find myself obsessed with stories of mums who couldn't cope, and (this is awful I know, I'm disgusted with myself) almost admiring mums like Charlotte Bevan, who managed to escape it all. The only thing that stops me from walking out is thinking how angry DH would be with me, he wouldn't have sympathy, and how he would struggle to work full time and pay childcare costs.

But I'm just a shit mum compared to my other friends. I don't sew, or make clothes, I try to bake once a week with DS, I get overwhelmed with cooking and often dinner is just freezer food. I love DS1, I just feel like DS2 was a massive mistake.

I believe it is possible to develop PND at any point in the early months, which is where you still are.

You really need to discuss it all in detail with your GP and/or mh consultant to get a proper diagnosis / assessment.

Parenthood can be totally overwhelming in the early stages, and the exhaustion is like no other. The romantic ideal is of delighted parents effortlessly bonding with their baby. It can feel like a cruel betrayal when the reality feels so totally different.

Rest assured though that you are not alone.

You should try and get some childcare if you don't have any. Mummy's need time off too! The elder one can probably get a free nursery place and you should see if you can get a couple of hours a day for your younger son. Then you can go for a walk/coffee/sleep etc by yourself or with a friend. Don't feel that your not cut out to be a mother just because you find it hard and don't always enjoy it. It is hard, and in other societies there is more sharing of the childcare/group care whereas it can be an isolating job in the uk. It sounds like you're doing a great job but need a bit more time off right now, prioritise that.

Twosa, I can relate, I can relate so much that I had to check whether this was one of my zombie threads tbh! I also have Bipolar, and I now have 4 dc.

I am pretty level most of the time... now. When I had my first two (2007, 2008) I was a total mess. I didn't feel a total mess at the time, but looking back with a much clearer head now I can see that I spent a few years depressed. I was so depressed for so long that it just became my normal feeling, so I couldn't distinguish that that is what it was. And when you have small children everyone, even the professional treat being a bit down as common, if not normal, so its even harder to recognise.

If you search my posts there will be lots from me in those early years about how shit I was at being a mom, at wishing I had never had children at all, wishing for my old life, being unable to leave the house with them... it was a horrendous and truly damaging time. My oldest it 7.5 now - I have never taken any of my dc to the park, to the shops, on a bus... anywhere in fact. I manage the school run but that took a good year and I still cant cross the road with them. I honestly believe its because I didn't get my head sorted soon enough and the damage has been lasting for me.

I suffered with PND with my eldest but didn't seek help at all until after my second was born. He was 18 months old and I still had PND from him, and it made everything so much worse. You could definitely still be suffering it with your DS2! This was probably the long term underlying thing for me. When you have Bipolar everything is assessed by that.. it could be something else still, it could be PND, it could be that all the hormonal changes in pregnancy etc have caused this constant low mood, and going on so long it becomes invisible to you, its just become you!

I am sure this sounds quite miserable, but these days its not like that. I became so ill my DH ditched his career and took any old factory job that was close to home and allowed him to be flexible with being there for me. I started studying again (being away from the house and the dc really helped me 'be a person' again), we went on to have two more. Our life could not be more stressful and hectic now, but its great, because that 2/3 year long fug was broken. It took time, and lots of psych appointments, and quite a few med changes (I needed totally different meds to before I was pregnant to get me out of this fug!) Please seek help, life doesn't have to be like this, don't waste your DS's early years feeling this way... like I did :(

Sorry that was so long and rambly

You say you don't feel depressed, and then you beat yourself up for not sewing... Sounds quite a lot like depression to me.

Be gentle with yourself. If you love you children (and it sounds like you do) then you are an EXCELLENT mum. It's fucking hard. But you're there. And that means you're doing really well, so give yourself credit for being a wonderful mum. Seriously. Wonderful.

There's nothing wrong with freezer food, and your second child won't cry forever. It will get easier. If you get stuck, just read to them, for hours if necessary. Kids love being read to.

Keep breathing... and keep loving your kids. That's pretty much all you need to do. And you're already doing that. Yay you!

It is definitely possible to have delayed onset of PND. You really really need to go and discuss the issues with your GP, do the evaluation test and get your meds sorted so they suit you better.

You might not feel that you were meant to be a mother, but you are one, and you're the best mother your children could have. You don't have to bake, sew, be a creative whizz or anything like that to be a good mum - you just have to love and care for your children, and it shows that you already do that. Stop comparing yourself to others - they don't have your life, or your children - they are no better or worse than you, they are just different, and different is fine. Horses for courses!

Please go back to your GP. xx