to think that there's nothing wrong with running away from your problems?

[ithoughtofitfirst]

If you've given something a really good go, you've tried everything but it just isn't working anymore. Is it ok to just think fuck it. Or should you always tackle things head on??

Was that vague enough?

Why do you want her approval? You won't win that one:) so stop playing that game with her. You're married to her ds and he likes you :) whatever her private thoughts, she has to get over that without damaging your family.

Try and think of a situation where she makes you feel uncomfortable or annoys you/ you seek her approval. What does she do to make you feel that way? Or say? You need to react differently, perhaps. Do you feel inferior? If so, why? You seem perfectly nice on here tbh:)

and who told you you are rough around the edges? In what way? Builders tea in a mug and not earl grey in a china teacup?:)

long story short(ish) is ...

We used to get on really well for the first couple of years. I was young and insecure and just got sucked into trying to do things her way because she was better than me. Then I just gave up trying a few years back because it became a mug's game because nothing I did was actually ever good enough. I started to resent her for not liking for me the way I was. I think I wanted to check whether or not she would just like me anyway. She did not. Obviously.

So now I have almost nothing to do with her for my sanity. So now she takes her frustrations out on dh which I can't stomach. I want to strangle her when she does it. Because I know she's a twat and don't care anymore but he still thinks the sun shines out of her ass and can't see through the bullshit. It makes me want to just do things her way for a quiet life so she will treat dh better. But there's no point... Because nothing we do is good enough anyway.

Things are extremely complicated and intense now that we have children. To be honest I just want some distance from it all. I can't see it getting better any time soon.

Rough round the edges was sort of an overstatement. There's nothing wrong with me really. In a parenting context though just think along the lines of oven food and fruit shoot

Whatevs init.

I think you should move. Many years ago I moved 3000 miles away from my family and it changed my life, I've been so much happier ever since. Guilt is such an insidious control mechanism, it is so hard to appreciate if you're never been subjected to it full force.

It's not going to solve all your problems though. I'm sure she will still subject your DH to guilt and whatever else long distance and she will visit. But the physical separation from you will help a lot, you can basically detach and let DH deal with her as he likes. And if you don't see her for long stretches, perhaps you can summon the energy to suck it up around her for her visits.

Thank you dreaming

I think that's what I wanted to hear. I'll never get on with her but if we only see her every couple of months I might be able to suck it up. Sounds excellent.

Move. We left the country to get away from family problems and dont regret it.

You're welcome. I actually know quite a few people who are expats in large part to get away from toxic families, it's not at all unusual, it doesn't make you a bad person. I'm not sure it's running away from a problem, it's just a way of managing it. Less proximity and less time together = easier to handle. Why not then?

Well you could do a geographic but she would still be in your DH's head. He's part of the issue here.

There is an app called mind maps where you put in your issue and map out scenarios, effects of change etc. like blue sky thinking:) you need to be strategic in your decision making. Will moving improve your family life? Better schools, jobs, house, quality of life? Leave her out of any decision making. When your dc start school and have homework and begin their own lives ( play dates alone Etc) all this might go away naturally. If you let it, iyswim.

Plan your weekends, have your own friends over, leave a sat free for mil and maybe tea once every two weeks. A full diary ( blantantly on show) goes a long way. Oh, and when I write " all day sat with Phyllis" it's rubbish - there is no phylis) and I don't want anyone seeing im free and making plans for me. Phylis is very shy, and has no wish to meet anyone:) plus she cannot be relied on and often lets me down:)

Oh big time. It really pisses me off. I know a lot of the change needs to come from him but their history and relationship is very complicated. It's kind of sad.