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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not treat both DDs the same?

26 replies

Vaudeville · 28/12/2014 20:00

Long story short, I have entered DD2 (8) for a talent competition - she is very outgoing, confident & interested in this area as she loves performing. DM has disapproved as I have not put DD1 (10) forward as well.

DD1 is very talented clever girl (I know their mother so will say that about both DDs) but she has struggled with severe anxiety & behavioural issues over last 2 years so I would not feel happy signing her up for something she could maybe not cope with or feel under more pressure, however if she expressed a desire to do the same or another activity I would support her.

AIBU to encourage one in something without including the other (without drip feeding I don't think DM's reaction would have been the same if I'd signed DD1 up for something and not DD2 but that's by the by, they are individuals right?)

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/12/2014 20:02

Yes they are individuals and you treat them fairly which is NOT treating them same Smile

Goingintohibernation · 28/12/2014 20:04

YANBU. There is no point in trying to treat two different people the same. As long as DD2 gets equal opportunities, they don't have to do the same things.

LIZS · 28/12/2014 20:05

As long as you also look for opportunities for dd1 I don't see the problem. You will have more issues if you pit one against the other all the time.

Meow75 · 28/12/2014 20:08

I was like your DD1, and I would NOT have thanked you for entering me in that competition. Perhaps you could have a conversation with DDs when your DM is there that would show her (DM) that you have made the correct decision because of how well you know your daughters.

skylark2 · 28/12/2014 20:09

Why didn't you ask both of them if they wanted to do the competition?

By 8 or 10 I think both kids should be deciding whether it's something they want to do, not you "signing them up" or not based on what you think they would or wouldn't be good at.

So no, I don't think you've treated either of them fairly.

Original poster
Vaudeville · 28/12/2014 20:11

Thank you! DD2 used to love the whole singing/dancing malarkey but it's not her thing now, I just don't buy in to this what you do for one you do for the other whether they like it or not (as long as they are both being supported in their interests).

OP posts:
Original poster
Vaudeville · 28/12/2014 20:17

skylark DD2 already asked to do it, DD1 didn't want to - she is actually a very good singer so I'm not deciding what they are good at but their personal preference as she hates attention but thanks for making our I was crapping on my child and her abilities Hmm. My AIBU was with regards to my DM saying I shouldn't have signed one up and not the other regardless.

OP posts:
GretnaGreen · 28/12/2014 20:19

I also think it depends on what they want so it sounds as if you've made the right decision.

Floggingmolly · 28/12/2014 20:20

What sort of a talent competition?? What skylark said, really...

GlitzAndGigglesx · 28/12/2014 20:21

Yanbu. My sister used to do karate and my mum never put me forward for it as I showed no interest in sporty things at the time. I would've said no anyway

Original poster
Vaudeville · 28/12/2014 20:27

Exactly Glitz, she's shown no interest, if she did I'd support her like I would in anything else.

OP posts:
erin99 · 28/12/2014 20:32

I would actively ask DD1 if she wanted to do a different activity instead - your sister is doing x, do you fancy trying y or z? She might love to try drama, or rock climbing, or gym.

feelingfedupandold · 28/12/2014 20:33

i got told years ago (and agree) that if kids (or anyone) says its not fair because x got such and such and y didnt - then being 'fair' isnt treating them both (or all) the same - being fair is giving each one what they need - and this may be more at one time for one person, and more at another time for a different one.

Original poster
Vaudeville · 28/12/2014 20:35

We are working through that erin as she's very much withdrawn into herself quitting guides and drama so I am looking for something non-intensive where she can feel relaxed enough to engage.

OP posts:
feelingfedupandold · 28/12/2014 20:40

well i have 3 x sporty ones, and 4th DID sport
now as older teens the much less sporty one loves her art and books (and has been much much happier - sewing machine present at age 13 - 14? started her making bags, clothes etc - very creative)

2rebecca · 28/12/2014 20:50

I agree with others that treating your children with equal consideration does not mean treating them identically as they are individuals with different talents and desires.
Too many younger kids get dragged along to older kids hobbies and end up doing it when they'd be better suited to something different.

Original poster
Vaudeville · 28/12/2014 20:57

Thank you 2rebecca, that's what I was getting at - they are both offered the same opportunities or whatever is suited to them but AFAIAA I did not give birth to clones - thanks for the useful comments from those who actually read the OP Flowers

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 28/12/2014 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

erin99 · 28/12/2014 21:04

i hope you find the right thing for OP, whether now or later. Sounds like her taking up a hobby would be a big deal for her atm and they are not compulsory. Maybe she could have a bit of a treat and one to one time while DD2 is busy - cinema trip or whatever.

My 2 do completely different activities, and while it's a pain for me I do think it's good for them.

SorchaN · 28/12/2014 21:56

My two daughters also have different personalities - one is outgoing and loves performing; the other is shy and hates being the centre of attention. I wouldn't dream of treating them the same with respect to performance opportunities!

McSqueezy · 28/12/2014 22:04

My boys are different. One is very sporty and outgoing, the other is very awkward and more of a thinker (he likes maths, science, video games etc.).

I wouldn't encourage them to do the same things.

Frusso · 28/12/2014 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2014 22:08

I don't get it

Why didn't your Mum take "Because she doesn't want to do it", as an acceptable answer? Confused

Original poster
Vaudeville · 28/12/2014 22:33

Worra, without going into the whole family history it's probably for the same reasons she tries to outdo me on presents for kids & telling them I'm being a nag if I try to parent them (which I've massively put my foot down on this last year) plus been running theme all my life. I only speak to her as girls so close & we don't have much family.

OP posts:
Meow75 · 29/12/2014 19:35

Ha!

You get told off for being "a nag" but " you must make them do exactly the same things" is ok.

Your mum sounds hard work OP!!!