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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To convince my MIL that I don't fancy her other son?

22 replies

Ohnostop · 28/12/2014 13:01

This has been going on for 10+ years. I've tried ignoring or laughing it off, but my MIL recently visited and is still making sly remarks. My eldest is getting old enough to understand now & I feel uncomfortable with the kids picking up on it.

To be clear, I don't and never have fancied my BIL. It started many years ago when I thought that I was just being nice and friendly ( in the same way DH is with my siblings) and she declared loudly that I 'stop flirting with xxxx'. I was so embarrassed, i couldn't think of anything to say so tried to ignore it.

Since then, (so marriage, kids, moving hundreds of miles away) my MIL had always made these sly inferences that I am in some way attracted to her older son. It's made life very awkward. She has always tried to play her sons off against each other, telling secrets about the other and vice versa etc, but plays heavily on being very child like and unable to cope with anything.

I don't have a close relationship with my SIL which I feel is a real shame as she seems so lovely and is fantastic with the kids.

I just want to clear the air and say that I really don't find him attractive and can we just forget abhout it. I have a good relationship with my DH (who thinks i should try and ignore it as I'm dammed either way) but I'm fed up of it. To be honest I'm sure BIL is a prize, but I wouldn't notice him in that way if I fell over him. My DH is nothing like him, both physically and personality wise. They lead very different lives.

Anyway wise mumsnetters, AIBU to try and confront this? Speak to MIL and tell her? Even speak to BIL and SiL? I know I sound crazy but it's upsetting me and I want it to stop.

OP posts:

sooperdooper · 28/12/2014 13:04

Tell your DH to talk to her and tell her to stop this nonsense immediately, could BIL also talk to her and tell her he also finds her comments irritating and unnecessary

VitalStollenFix · 28/12/2014 13:05

I think it would be better if you and your husband talked to her together. Even if you do the talking, he should be in the room, nodding away, showing complete agreement. If you both sit down and say that you find it offensive, there is no truth in it, and it has to stop because if it doesn't you really don't see how continued contact is possible, on account of the fact the children are hearing these things, etc etc.

And also tell her that playing her children off against each other is cruel.

Actually, thinking about it, the people you really need to talk to are your brother and sister in law. You need to come together to be a strong unit against her behaviour.

Once she sees that you are all united, she may realise she has nothing to gain from her behaviour.

ffs though, what kind of mother wants to do such things to her children? She's 10p short of a taxi fare!

OriginalGreenGiant · 28/12/2014 13:17

You need to tell her to stop making her awful crass comments or you'll cut all contact.

My MIL used to do worse than this. DBIL lived with dh and me for 10 months, during which time ds2 was conceived.

She seemed to think she was funny and made constant 'jokes' about whether I was sure who the father was. That she was sure she'd seen me eyeing up DBIL. Haha.

I put up with this for two years until she was in a room with a load of ds1's friends parents and our family (ds1s birthday).

An elderly aunt had taken a shine to BIL and was asking how such a lovely man was single, she was sure he was a great catch. MIL turned to me and said 'Hey Original, do you agree? After all you've been there haven't you?'

I left the room immediately so as not to cause a scene, then five minutes later called her into the kitchen where we were alone and gave it to her both barrels. I told her not to fucking dare speak to me like that and make her foul jokes about me. Then I threw her out, mid-party. She didn't speak to me for a month and is still frosty now but she's never done it again.

OhBuggeringBollocks · 28/12/2014 13:26

You could try

"It wasn't funny the first time"
"Not this nonsense again, please stop"
"Not this nonsense again, stop it - you're embarrassing yourself"
" Have you heard of a Jocasta Complex - you should read up on it" and then refer to this every time she says anything.

How irritating for you

CombineBananaFister · 28/12/2014 13:35

That's just plain creepy, I wouldn't even try to come out with some witty remark or comeback just tell her straight when you're all there.

'these fancying Bil comments are getting a bit tiresome, so just stop it now thanks - it's probably a tad embarassing for BIL/sil/ and Dh too don't you think?'

Jessicahyde85 · 28/12/2014 13:37

Have y tried telling her to do one, perhaps doing it back to her picking an inappropriate person in her life to insist she is secretly in love with, silly old moo! Or a good sharp " Fuck off!" might do it!

sausageandorangepickle · 28/12/2014 13:42

if she is constantly playing the brothers off against each other, I think your best bet may be to get BiL and SiL on side and approach MiL together. If she is presented by a united front telling her it is boresome and tiring it might stop her (and maybe you will be able to get a better relationship with SiL, if she has been influenced in any way by her MiL)

iklboo · 28/12/2014 13:43

Present her with a large wooden spoon with a bow round it, smile sweetly & say you hope it helps with all the shit stirring she does.

Seriously, speak with your BIL, SIL & DH and present a united front on this.

onlyjoking9329 · 28/12/2014 13:45

She needs telling, By both of you, it's not a joke when she's the only one laughing. What does BIL do about it?
My Dh was an identical twin, there were some comments made when he died about 'having' the other one. No Fucking Way Would I want to have her as Mil again, ever.

FishWithABicycle · 28/12/2014 13:47

she's doing it because she can see it upsets you and she's a nasty person. the more extreme your reaction, the more she'll do it.

You could start referring to this generally in conversation as MIL's attempts to engineer situations to get the family onto the Jeremy Kyle show and recommend that as you and DH are happy with one another and SIL and BIL are too, her best bet might be to have a scandalous affair herself as none of the rest of you are particularly interested in doing so on her behalf.

onlyjoking9329 · 28/12/2014 13:50

Be kind to her, send her a gift a day, I'm sure we could all give you some ideas, starting with this one if there are to be any visits to your house.

To convince my MIL that I don't fancy her other son?

CombineBananaFister · 28/12/2014 19:00

ONLYJOKING that is fucking HORRIBLE !!! how bloody disgusting of your MIL.

KingJoffreysHasABigWhiteBeard · 28/12/2014 19:08

Just don't see her. She sounds vile.

Tell your DH that after 10 years of snide comments you're done with her.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/12/2014 20:01

"my MIL had always made these sly inferences that I am in some way attracted to her older son. It's made life very awkward. She has always tried to play her sons off against each other, telling secrets about the other and vice versa etc, but plays heavily on being very child like and unable to cope with anything."
There can be no convincing her that you don't fancy BIL - because she already knows you don't. She's not making these sly remarks because she believes them, but because she believes they will cause friction between her sons. You, sadly, are just collateral damage . She really is a piece of work, isn't she?

Does your DH know about these digs? Because she may be making them to you, but he's the one she wants to affect by them.

GretnaGreen · 28/12/2014 20:05

OnlyJoking

ithoughtofitfirst · 28/12/2014 20:16

Tell her you shagged him and he was crap and gave you and std.

dazzlingdeborahrose · 28/12/2014 21:16

Bollox to her. Buy yourself a push up bra and a bet lynch style leopard print low cut top. Spend your time leaning over in front of brother in law whilst asking him to butter your parsnips.

Gatheringthoughtstothink · 29/12/2014 01:40

Oh she's a legend,We had bouncers at his funeral, MIL kicked off mid way through the eulogy shouting at me.
me and the kids had to to be ushered by bouncer out the back door as they were waiting at the exit door to have another go.
Have you a plan yet, ohnopleasestop?

onlyjoking9329 · 29/12/2014 01:40

Gatheringthoughtstothink · 29/12/2014 06:27

Apologies iPad malfunctioning managed to post from both names at the same time

1charlie1 · 29/12/2014 07:10

I had a slightly similar situation with my MIL, although it was only at the beginning of my relationship with DH. I thought it was utterly bizarre. She kept bringing up what a beautiful baby/child DBIL had been, how immaculately presented he was as a man (!) etc etc. All the time. It felt... competitive somehow. I just said, 'I think (DH) is gorgeous and lovely, which is why we're together. I don't think (DBIL) is remotely attractive.' Because I don't. She was a bit miffed! I still have no idea what she was playing at. So many other things to discuss than the attractiveness of your other male child.

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