To buy something nice for my daughtere boyfriend

[ghostspirit]

hi. my daughters bf is 18. i feel bad for him all he got from his parents was 30.00 and from family 1 pair of boxers and 3 of them small size selection packs. his parents smoke and gamble. and often contact me asking for money. i have always said no. because i know they get quite a bit of money but they gamble/smoke it away... anyway i feel really bad for him. so i was going to treat him to something nice at new year. but part of me is not sure if its such a good idea.

and if i do get him anything i have to make sure its not something that can be pawned...

I think it's a lovely idea but a bit misguided maybe? Do you know that your daughter is going to stay with him? He's a boyfriend... do you really want him seeing you as a 'second mum' and feeling bereft when/if they split?

He has his own family and you might make him feel bad about them when he has no reason to, if you try to step in as a parent. However neglectful you might think his parents are, he's not a child, he's 18.

You already bought him a present. To buy a top up says to me 1) that present number one wasn't good enough and 2) that you have reasons for wanting to give him something else, ie. you feel his parents are lacking. He did get presents, he wasn't left out.

I would urge you to do NOTHING without discussing this with your daughter, she may not like it at all. Why can't you wait till his birthday and buy him a reasonable present then?

Sorry OP but I think you're meddling (in the kindest way possible) and I would leave it alone.

Are there no boyfriends/girlfriends anymore? It's all DPs now?

What's wrong with £30 anyway? That's loads more (even allowing for inflation) than I've ever had from my parents for Christmas since being an adult and moving out ...

Lyin. ..what are you on about?

In your situation, depending in finances, I would have definitely got him a couple of decent presents.

However this would have have been the case irrespective of his family situating. He jasmine been with my daughter a decent length of time and spends a great deal of the week at my house.

The fact that he has a difficult family life would likely result in me spoiling him every now and then with bits and pieces. Whether that me buying his favourite drink for him or cooking his favourite meal every now and then, or treating him and his girlfriend to the cinema or a bite to eat. As opposed to a grander load of Xmas presents.

Sorry typos

Hang on and get something lovely for his birthday.

I wouldn't buy him anything now as Christmas has been and gone and it would look odd. Why don't you treat them to a meal out or a take away instead?

i feel so upset/angry for him now... he had been saving for a playstation 4. he wss 50.00 short so i gave him the 50.00. he had bit of money in his bank plus 70.00 at home. he went to get the 70.00 that he had hidden under his mattress. and its gone :( :(

are you in a position to move him in properly? would your dd want that? i think that could be the best christmas present you could give him!

Why is he hiding money at home when he lives at your house 5 nights a week?

Are you sure about that, ghostspirit? Why didn't he put the £70 in the bank rather than under his mattress?

Sorry but I'm wondering if you're being taken for a ride. Do not move him into your home if he's just a boyfriend. How old is your daughter and what does she want?

I think you should take a step back, you are not his mother, you're your daughter's mother. What is in her best interests? You haven't mentioned her all through this thread... only this 18 year old chap. He is not your concern, your daughter is.

Dont give him the £70, support him emotionally if he thinks he's family is thieving off him but don't give him the money to make up for it just in case hes not been totally honest.

When I was 18 my mum stole money from my bank account so it led me to being a bit weird about my money, hiding it in odd places. If it ever did go missing from those places it would have been just my word that it was ever there.

Treat him and your daughter to a nice meal now then again, he's probably already grateful.

no way i would not move him in. as much as im sure my daughter loves him they are still very young and that would be alot of pressure for them both. even if he only gos home couple times a week that still gives them a bit of space.

maybe it was not in the bank because it was closed over the xmas period. i dont know... i hope to think hes not taking me for a ride... from what i have heard and from what hes mums said/asked of me it would not surprise me that what hes saying is true.. dd told me that hes cried sometimes because everything he has is taken away..

of course i care for my dd. only reason she has not been overly mentioned in the thread is because she does not have things taken from her. and has food in her belly and the general stuff she needs

thats probably right simplesam. even if it is true and the money has been taken. then i guess he needs to learn not to leave it in the house hidden or not. he knows what its like at home. so maybe its up to him to learn not to do it.

But ghostspirit, this is your daughter's boyfriend, her relationship. Somehow you're blurring the lines, even if you think you aren't. My then boyfriend moved in with me (at home) when I was 17 and it started off the way you've described it, a few nights here and there and then it became, "Well he might as well move in". It was a disaster.

If you move him in then number 1, you're undermining his parents. Have you even met them? Spoken to them? Know them at all? I know that my boyfriend at the time hugely exaggerated parental misery and it skewed the picture somewhat. He was also 'under my feet' at home all the time and we had no time apart. That really wasn't healthy and, this was what I wanted at the time...

Have you even spoken to your daughter about your concerns about her boyfriend? She is your number one priority, not this chap. It sounds to me as if you're going into 'mummy mode' - and I mean that very kindly indeed but he is not your child and I really think you would do very well to take a giant step back from 'interfering'.

If you really think that he needs TLC then invite him to meals when he's at your home, let him be a very welcome guest BUT... do not make him one of the family because he isn't. If/when your daughter moves on from him (and you say yourself that she's young still), you will have to distance from him. How are you going to do that when you've practically adopted him? Think about it now and you won't be posting back here at that point saying "How do I ask him to leave?".

How about meeting his parents, expressing your concerns to them instead of taking everything on face value? You may well find that the picture painted is not quite - or at all - as it's been painted. At least you'll know and you'll know how much/how little to do from that point on.

At the moment, ghostspirit, I think you're being a bit of a mug and I would really like to know what your daughter thinks of all this. At the very least, stop giving him money and stop buying him 'things'... it's not your job and it could be very unkindly misconstrued.

Why didn't he leave the money with your daughter then? That would have been safe.

Where did the money come from?

If his parents are allegedly stealing it then why did they give him money for Christmas?

None of this really adds up, ghostspirit... Put your deerstalker on and do a little quiet investigating before you bring this person any closer.

lyinginthe wardrobe... i never said i was moving him in i said i was not... when someone suggested it. yes i have met and spoken to them... the mum often contacts me crying poverty. she has no food for the kids. so sanatry wear for her daughter. can i lend her some money. i said can you go food bank. no she dont have the bus fair 75p there 75p back.... can you go social services. no bus fair about a 40 min walk. there was an excuse for everything i said. then i said what about your child tax about 300 pounds. that had gone got that on friday... this was monday. 300 pounds gone and no food. i stopped replying to her messages at this point.

where did it come from 30 of it was the xmas money his mum gave him as i said at the start. 25 of it was his brothers. the other 15 im not sure.

i have told him several times not to leave money at home. but i cant answer to why he did.

why did they give him money for xmas then stealing it... thats how it is they give him something then take it back.

as i said because he was 50 short of the playstation he wanted i gave him the other 50. he came into night and gave me the 50 i said oh did you not need it. he said the 70 pounds has been taken from his room so now he cant get it anyway. when really he could have kept my 50 and said that had been taken as well. but he gave it back to me.

im not bluring the lines. just feel bad for him. when i was a kid my brother used to steal from the house. money, things belonging to people. tvs anything he could get hold of really. i remember what was like and just feel bad for him.

I think you sound lovely OP.

I've looked after and looked out for quite a few of our oldest DS friends.Some of the poor little lads come from awful homes and they know ours is a safe house were they'll always be looked after,valued and loved.

How young are the other children in the boyfriends home?If they're still young I'd honestly be contacting social services if I was you.

Is there any way he could move out of the family home in to a place of his own?

ghostspirit... Sorry if I offended you, not my intention at all. You've done nothing wrong and you sound like a lovely, caring person.

So sad to hear the report about this chap's mum, she sounds as if she's lost the plot. Do you know/have contact with his sister? It may be that you could give her some sanitary stuff, or your daughter could. Definitely not money as that seems to disappear.

Could you have a 'moneypot' in your daughter's room or in your living room where he can safely stash his money? That would be a very kind and helpful thing to do. I understand exactly what you mean by 'stealing to give it back'. Terribly sad.

When I said 'blurring the lines', I meant that you'd perhaps overstep and do too much but it sounds now as if you have just cause to help and I imagine that he's very grateful to you. What a shame that he and his sister are in this position. Does he have other siblings too? I'm wondering if they are younger and, if so, whether it would be worth getting in touch with social services and telling them of your concerns.

They sound a very challenged family and the children - including your daughter's boyfriend - will be impacted by that.

You sound really kind and he's lucky to have your family in his corner, ghostspirit

lyingwitchinthewardrobe... you did not offended me :) maybe i answered in a moody way. did not mean to haha.

yeah hes been told a few times to either put money in bank/leave it there. unless he needs it then only get out what he needs. or leave it at my house. but then maybe he just does not want to leave it here. dont know really.

he has 4 siblings youngest is 1 year oldest is 16 still at school . then theres him hes 18.

i would feel so so bad to contact ss. im not sure what to believe with some stuff. the mum says she has no food. does she really not have food. or does that just sound better to say that, than do you have money for fags/bingo......

It's a difficult decision, ghostspirit but, in your place, I'd get in touch with social services and let them investigate. They will know what the mum is entitled to - and what she's receiving - and they can possibly help in terms of access to food banks or other services. Either way, it will put her on the radar and, if she is misusing the money intended for food, it will become apparent and the children will be assisted. That would be a lot better than any alternative.

Sometimes we just have to speak up - and this would be for the sake of the children, in their best interests, so I wouldn't hesitate. Somebody has to help them.

the children defo dont look under fed. and they look to be clothed well...

i have never been to the house though. daughter has said a few bits. but then also where they live is being knocked down. i would not want to spend money either. but i would replace things that need to be replaced. but what needs replacing to me/you/her/others are all different.

daughter said sofas are broken. but then ours were broke for months whilst i saved to get new ones. dd forgets that. and broken could be on its last legs rather than broken.

the 18 year olds bed is broken. but hes here alot and to be honest he does work only a bit of money as its zero hours. but he could buy his own bed. so im kind of also thinking as much as the parents might need to step up a bit. the 18 year old could probably do a bit more for himself. ie buy his own bed... look after his own money... in a responsible way.