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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have just had a go at my sister?

38 replies

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 27/12/2014 17:35

I've just blown my lid at DSis.

Yesterday, whilst at my mum's mentioned to my sister that the next time DM has her son overnight that she might like to make plans with me, as she never does.

She asked what I meant and I explained that I felt she never contacted me unless she needed something money/lift and she certainly never initiated contact between our kids or even between us as sisters.

It's always me calling her and asking her if she wants to spend time together and when we do it is always me that pays, picks her up, drops her off as she's always 'skint'. After our conversation she said, yes she would.

Fast forward to today and she has just come to DM with DNephew (I've been here with DS for a couple of hours). She sits and starts to say that our cousin has been asking her to go round tonight and she said she will see if DM will have DNephew overnight so she could.

I lost my temper and had a go at her. I shouldn't have yelled, I was unreasonable for that. But she's said I'm being spiteful for saying this to her at Christmas. Hmm I explained again, that it was always me arranging things for us to do, especially with our kids, and that she only got in touch when she wanted something, i.e. money.

She still owes me a tenner from two weeks ago, when I borrowed it to her she promised she would give it me back two days later as it was close to Xmas. When I mentioned that she said I was selfish for asking for it back at Christmas. Confused Anyway, that's not the issue.

AIBU to expect my sister to actually put some effort into our relationship, instead of just relying on me to do everything, and stick to her word when she says she will spend time with me?

We get on well when together, and I have always done a lot for her.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 27/12/2014 17:38

Yabu. There is no excuse for blowing up at your sister. It's your choice to be making arrangements. She just has a different take on life, perhaps she isn't a natural organiser or perhaps prefers her own company.

Your choice to lend her money /pay for things

LadyLuck10 · 27/12/2014 17:39

Sorry but maybe she just doesn't enjoy your company. It does sound like you are forcing her quite a bit. Yabu to have had a 'go' at her.

simbacatlivesagain · 27/12/2014 17:39

Are you very jealous of her? Are you both teenagers?

PossumPoo · 27/12/2014 17:39

Of course YABU Confused

If your Dsis doesn't want to spend time with you then that's her choice. It sounds like you're buying her affection by paying for her.

Weird.

DancingDinosaur · 27/12/2014 17:43

Yabu. You sound hard work Sad Sorry.

pilates · 27/12/2014 17:44

YABVU and you sound immature.

Perhaps your son and sister's child don't get on very well.

Sandthorn · 27/12/2014 17:48

I absolutely adore my sister, and love spending time with her, but it's the same rules as with other friends. We choose to spend time together because it's fun, not out of some kind of obligation. If it wasn't fun, we wouldn't do it. If she gave me a bollocking for not living up to her idea of sisterly responsibility, it wouldn't exactly make me want to meet up with her.

bumasbigasthetv · 27/12/2014 17:48

Yabu. Me and my sister don't spend a huge amount of time together, we never go out together. We're just different people, doesn't mean we don't love each other

Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 27/12/2014 17:49

I'm not buying her affection, that's weird. I work, she doesn't.

I don't think she doesn't enjoy spending time with me as when we do spend time together we always have fun, and she mentions that our boys get on so well.

When I call her she is always happy to come round, or take the kids out or whatever I suggest, she doesn't make excuses.

And this isn't all the time by the way. Maybe once a fortnight, at weekends.

OP posts:
TheWitTank · 27/12/2014 17:51

Sorry to say op, but perhaps she just doesn't like spending time with you. You may be related, but that does not necessarily mean you are going to best buddies for life. Step back a bit, stop asking and lending money and see what happens. Spend time with other friends.

DoubleValiumLattePlease · 27/12/2014 17:51

I don't know how old you are but it must surely be too old to be tantrumming and yelling at people. Grow up.

maddy68 · 27/12/2014 17:52

My brother lives 2 streets away, I see him about twice a year, we love each other just have our own friends and circles so don't feel the need to be in each other's pockets. You sound overly needy

Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 27/12/2014 17:52

Maybe, I'm coming across wrong.

I feel as though she only wants to spend time with me when I pick her up/pay or when she doesn't actually have to put any effort in.

If I didn't call her, our sons would never see each other and they adore each other.

I just feel at the bottom of her list of priorities, until she wants or needs something.

OP posts:
makapakasdirtysponge · 27/12/2014 17:53

Well YABU to blow your top as her cousin asked her to go round. So it sounds like she's generally quite passive and goes with others plans rather than makes her own. Classic little sister to bossy older sibling?

But yanbu to wish she would make a bit more effort.

Give her the chance - once you have apologised for blowing up, step back.

Wombat22 · 27/12/2014 17:55

You say she only gets in touch when she wants something, she doesn't work so maybe she can't afford to get together with you and your kids? Or she feels guilty at always being skint. yabu

Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 27/12/2014 17:55

She rings/texts me whenever something dramatic happens to her/something to gossip about.

But okay, maybe I'm BU. I guess I'll step back and stop initiating contact. But that makes me Sad for my son and nephew as they love each and have so much fun together.

OP posts:
JustSpeakSense · 27/12/2014 17:55

I think you need to accept that (as much as it hurts) she just doesn't want to spend time with you. Maybe it's time to give up and move on, invest your time in people who actually value you.

Viviennemary · 27/12/2014 17:58

If you feel taken for granted then don't be around so much to babysit and there if she wants to borrow money. I don't think it's that uncommon for this type of resentment in families.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 27/12/2014 17:58

Stop with the money for a start. My sister used to ask to "borrow" all the time and like a mug I'd give it to her. She owes me near £200 all in all which I've had to accept I'll never see again. She blames being on benefits for not being able to pay back but can always afford to eat out and buy new shoes etc

CalleighDoodle · 27/12/2014 17:59

She borrowed the money from you. You lent it to her. Sorry, that was bugging me.

My sister doesn't make any plans to see anyone. She is not a people person. She has her own routine and doesnt include anyone except her dp and dss. So i dont bother anymore.

Why force her to spend time together?

Stop lending her money when she asks. Stop giving her lifts when she asks.

Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 27/12/2014 18:00

I'll text her and apologise for having a go. Then I guess I'll just wait until she gets in touch.

And yes, it does hurt. I love her, and our kids get on brilliantly. Sad

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 27/12/2014 18:00

She can't invite you out if she has no money though can she? But when you invite her and offer to pay, then she can come and she does.

Hullygully · 27/12/2014 18:00

Don't blame you at all for being hurt and upset and blowing up at her.

MrsCakesPrecognition · 27/12/2014 18:03

It seems odd that you have suddenly decided to offload all this on to your DSis, two rants in two days, both over Christmas. She must be feeling a sideswiped and under attack.
Has something happened to make you unable to tolerate your DSis' behaviour? Have you been quietly stewing about this for ages?
At the moment, you do sound unreasonable. There may be more info that makes your side clearer. In the meantime, learn to say "no" politely when you feel you are being imposed on for money or favours.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 27/12/2014 18:03

So, you let rip at your sister because someone had invited her out and she didn't turn them down to arrange something with you instead...?

I'm glad you've apologised.