To be fed up of my mum getting drunk and showing me up every time we go anywhere?

[SoFedUpOfIt]

To cut a long story short, I very strongly suspect that my mum has some kind of drink problem. She's not a full blown alcoholic by any means, but she drinks mosts nights, usually until she passes out on the sofa. That's her problem, what she does in her home is her business. I'm past caring. What I do care about is DF and myself being shown up by her whenever we go anywhere. She doesn't pace herself with drink like other people do and often end up loud, lairy and falling about all over the place.

I suspect that she thinks she's funny and the life and soul when she does this, but she's not, she embarrassing and obnoxious. I see the looks on other peoples faces and I know what they're thinking, that she's a bloody mess and a joke. However she's incredibly sensitive about the subject of her drinking and it's the white elephant in the room so to speak, she will explode if anyone so much as dares as make a joke about it. I don't get it because when sober she's obsessed with keeping up appearances and what people think about her, but that goes out of the window when she's sloshed.

Anyway, it's Christmas and the drink is flowing and yes, we all like a drink, I like a drink, but I know my limits. I can't relax and enjoy myself at family parties when's she's there because I honestly feel like a parent keeping an eye on her to make sure she's not A) insulting or being rude to someone (she's done this many times) or B) placing herself in danger. She's already fallen down the stairs drunk and cut her face falling over at a party. If I don't watch her I'm scared she'll cause a row or seriously hurt herself. I hate it, I just want to enjoy myself and I can't because she spoils it for me. I know my poor Dad feels the same as he's told me. She's an embarrassment, an utter embarrassment and I actually feel ashamed of her.

I know people will say just let her get on with it, but I can't. What if she ends up dead or something? Anyway thanks for listening, I suppose I just need to vent about it.

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I thought the mixed elephant metaphor was interesting too RinceyMincey!

I lean towards telling her unequivocally (but not unkindly) that you are not prepared to tolerate her behavior.
Don't engage with her on the matter of whether or not she is alcoholic ?

I never solved this one, OP, so I have no helpful advice, just sympathy. eg, I didn't go to my own graduation as I knew she'd be hurt if she hadn't been invited, but I could not face her turning up drunk.

She ended up with alcohol-related dementia and died of cirrhosis a few years ago.

I personally didn't find Al-Anon helpful (the person I got was all religious, which I am not sure is really allowed and certainly didn't suit me) but it might be worth a go. It might also be worth ringing her GP - they can't talk to you about her (medical confidentiality) but you can talk to them about her.

Good luck, OP. It's no fun being the child of alcoholics.

Oh yes Nancery, mine gets very opinionated as well. And because she becomes so loud when pissed everyone in the vicinity hears what she has to say, often it's something highly offensive or rude as well.

I think mine thinks she's the life and soul, always posing with her wine glass, but generally she isn't. She's just annoying. She broke her leg a couple of years ago and loads of people asked if she was drunk at the time (she says she wasn't.) She is also, I'd guess, about 18 stone. As terrible as it is to say, while I'd be devastated if something serious happened, I think a mild health scare / warning would do her the world of good.

Perhaps we all need a support thread? I'm a real daddies girl, so really dont want to go Nc, hes just a twat when he drinks.

It does seem that once drink takes a hold of someone there is little hope of saving them, indeed would-be rescuers are often drowned too.
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Be prepared to step away before she ruins your life too ?

Are you sure we're not long lost sisters Nancery? Mine also delights in posing for photos wine glass in hand, usually with a stupid "look at me aren't I hilarious" smile on her face. She's not overweight and she hasn't broken her leg, yet, but she's done all manner of other silly things. One time she actually lost her shoes walking home from a neighbours barbecue. Lost her shoes FFS! How the hell does someone even manage to do that?!

She's also damaged other peoples property. I recall one occasion where she smashed a champagne flute that had been given to the host as a wedding present.

I don't get where it came from? They say it runs in families but my grandparents rarely drank and didn't even keep alcohol in the house.

Dear OP, If saying something will make her stop speaking to you, there is your answer. Her primary relationship is with booze. Be brave and try to make her see how it is wrecking her life, and talk to her with your dad there, as he is going to have to support her.Good luck.

(Hugely outing post) my dad once fell through a glass coffee table. My mum was working nights and had to be called home to deal with him.

Oh god Beyond, all of this sounds horribly familiar. I think functioning alcoholism is far more rife than we realise, and it seems to be more common amongst older, middle aged approaching retirement age people. Aside from my Mum there are two other family members I can think of, not blood relatives of my mum they are family by marriage, but they also fall into this criteria.

Sorry Suzanne but that is utter bollocks.

My sister has been sober for 25 years - no slips at all. Drink does not "take" people. Addiction is an illness for which there is treatment IF the addicted person is willing. I agree with PPs that Al-Anon is a good place to start.

Hi OP, I know how you feel. My dad was a 'functioning' alcoholic for most of my childhood. He nearly bankrupted the family twice (mum remortgaged the house both times), we never had any spare money & never had enough money for clothes or to heat/eat. I dread to think how many times he drove with us all in the car, while he was under the influence. I never saw him obviously drunk - but he always had a drink in his hand & it was the first thing he did when he got home from work. He had a major stroke a few years ago & is now brain damaged. He was sober for several weeks in hospital, but started drinking again & they are now separated as mum can't cope with him any more, he's pretty much lost everything. Some people can recover but some will resist all attempts to help them.

Start talking about the elephant, every single time. Tell her she was embarrassing and people were laughing at her. not with her.

Oh, BingBong, I know that one. My dad only drove on holiday occasions, borrowing a car, and the drive home was always a terror ride, with him barely able to stand he was so sloshed, and his whiskey glass wedged in the glove compartment so he could have a swig as he drove....

I wish there had been a 'Mumsnet' when I was younger to understand what could be done to avoid the enabling behaviour that I did for my alcoholic mum.

My past:

Family (dad and us kids) didn't want to upset her in case she got angry and it made her drink more. So, we never confronted her on how her drinking upset us and made some of us vulnerable. We didn't realise how we could get support even if she wouldn't accept it.

If she was upset I thought it must be my fault so let her get soaked.

We knew she's had a 'tough' life and made excuses for her and thought we had to suffer for it too.

I spent, what I now call, meercat Christmas' being hyper vigilant to the amount she was drinking or when she would start.

I poured half glass' of her drink into plant pots at neighbours parties to try to stem her drunk behaviour then visited next day to apologise for her embarrassing stuff. I cringed every time.

I sat, like you, unrelaxed all through what should have been fun for me.

I avoided taking friends and boyfriends home in case she began to drink when they were there.

I listened to her drivel about how she was much better before she'd had her kids and her single life was the best time.

Presently:

She lives on her own and drinks sometimes to the point of falling over. That's her choice. She won't accept she's got a problem.

We visit but leave when the bottle comes out.

I now understand that I shouldn't have been responsible for looking after an adult; I was the child and was the one who needed looking after. She's taught me what I shouldn't do in front of my own kids.

I have used my childhood experience to understand and help others rather than blame my bad upbringing and get into an addiction myself.

I still love her, she's my mum. but hate her drunk, self pitying, behaviour.

Sorry Suzanne
why are you sorry Wtffgs?
I don't understand why you feel that you need to apologise to me.

Whenever I've tried telling her about how embarrassing her behaviour has been she has become horribly defensive, jumping down my throat and saying "so what?". Her attitude seems to be that people who drink are "fun" and those who drink either moderately or are teetotal are "boring". The thing is there's nothing fun or entertaining about how loud, lairy pisshead making a show of themselves.

Also the people in her social circle are all drinkers (although not as bad as she is) and that means lots of boozy weekends away etc. It doesn't help matters, and obviously if she were to quit drinking she'd probably lose friends and I don't think she's prepared to do that. My dad used to drink a lot but has cut back a lot over the last few years, he seems to be able to not drink at home and restrict it to the weekends or special occasions. Mum can't.

There's not just me and DF in the immediate family. I have a DB who has privately aired concerns to me about her drinking.

Enormous sympathies, OP.

I wholeheartedly second the suggestion to get in touch with Al-Anon, because the way you will have been affected by your mother's addiction is extremely complex and you will benefit greatly from hearing from the experts on this subject.

In the short term, just refuse to go to any more family functions with her. When she asks why, simply say "because I get anxious and embarrassed about your drunkeness and don't want to be associated with it". Make that the end of the conversation, no explanations, no defensiveness, no arguments. Repeat that her drinking is the reason you don't want to be seen in public with her any more.

I don't think you have any choice, really .

ArcheryAnnie - my dad never drank in the car while we were there (I think because it would have been too obvious). He was always eating strong mints, in retrospect this would have been to cover the smell of alcohol on his breath, and while I never saw him actually 'drunk' I've realised he was probably rarely completely sober.