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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think he could have at least hugged me.

14 replies

Wotsup · 26/12/2014 23:28

This behaviour is not new. Been married a long time and any sexual action stopped about 4 years ago. Kids have grown up and left home and we have a financially comfortable life.

Came home today after spending Christmas with son and his family due to husband working over Christmas. Husband's not in the emergency service but he's worked about 7 hours each day and drives a lot.

He gave me a peck on the lips and asked if I'd had a nice Christmas, so we chatted.

He went to bed about 8.30pm as he'd yawned for about two hours before.

I went to bed at 11pm, he knew I'd climbed into bed but ignored me and rolled over and snored.

I just wanted him to say he'd missed me and then give me a hug. I feel so lonely.

OP posts:

drivingmisspotty · 26/12/2014 23:56

Oh dear and MN aren't making you feel less lonely right now either....

Both my relationship and children are much younger so I don't really feel qualified to give advice. But is your dh not a tactile person in general or has that changed? Have you sat down and talked to him about where the intimacy has gone?

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2014 23:58

When he rolled over, did you hug him and tell him you missed him?

LaurieFairyCake · 27/12/2014 00:00

He's been working and is clearly tired

The time for hugging was earlier not when people are asleep

rootypig · 27/12/2014 00:02

How do you feel about your marriage outside this encounter? how do you feel about not having sex?

CheeseBuster · 27/12/2014 00:04

Sorry but in that situation I'd think you should be the hugger and he the hugged. He's worked Xmas, is obviously knackered compared to you having a great time with family.

thornrose · 27/12/2014 00:07

I'm not sure why you couldn't/didn't hug him?

rootypig · 27/12/2014 00:15

Gosh, some pretty unforgiving responses here. OP is expressing her feelings about her needs being met. She could have hugged her husband, sure, but that may not have satisfied her need.

Of course her husband may be feeling just as she does, wishing that she might have touched him - I think relationships often end up in this stalemate, each partner so full of need that they can't give to the other and break the cycle.

But just to say OP should have hugged him is to vastly underestimate the depth and complexity of intimacy.

CakeUpWall · 27/12/2014 00:20

Oh dear, I'm sorry that you are feeling sad. I do know what you mean; I've been with DH for a very long time and it can be easy to slip out of the habit of being physically affectionate.

When this happened to us it did indeed make me feel , like you. So I took the bull by the horns and talked frankly with him about it. Long story, but things improved immediately and dramatically. Now, nearly 2 years later, we're still physically affectionate. We've made a new 'normal' for ourselves. In the situation you described, if he was aware of me coming to bed, he'd now at the very least reach out and put an arm around me, or hold my hand.

Please try chatting to him about how you are feeling. You may find that he's missing the intimacy too. Good luck.

Original poster

Wotsup · 27/12/2014 00:50

Thanks, all for responding.

We've talked about this in the past and always seem to end up here. Yes, I could have hugged him but it has always been me to make the first move for intimacy. I also have to make the first move if we become 'distant'.

We had time at Relate a few years ago and he said then that he was frightened of upsetting me???

OP posts:

Original poster

Wotsup · 27/12/2014 00:54

I feel so comfortable with everything else in the relationship except the lack of intimacy...should I be satisfied at that? I long to have an affectionate husband.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2014 01:08

Wotsup sorry you are disappointed.

Please can I ask is there a reason you stopped having sex?

When you say We had time at Relate a few years ago and he said then that he was frightened of upsetting me??? How did you both deal with that, what did you say? Is there a history of your being upset with him or of him upsetting you or other people.

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2014 01:10

I think this one incident at bedtime is not the issue but the wider issue of tenderness and being intimate in your marriage. Can you rekindle the sex life in the hope more intimacy will follow?

Or are you both genuinely OK not to be having sex with each other?

It is true some people in general do not like or feel the need for casual touch in the same way as others. My DH is lovely and caring but not much for casual touch. We sometimes hold hands but it is really me who instigates it. Generally, he finds things like me stoking his arm rather annoying! But he loves sex and we do things like hug when we part (sometimes) and kiss when we greet having been apart (sometimes).

I am sorry if this is out of line but I do feel the lack of sex is a part of the lack of intimacy. You also say you are comfortable with everything else in the relationship except the lack of intimacy and I wonder if the comfort has replaced the intimacy.

Your dh seems to work a lot, do you also work, or work a lot? In which case maybe you are you like ships in the night that pass. Or do you not work, in which case maybe there are other issues (such as your home has become very important and you are always making it look nice or maybe you are busy with other stuff when your dh is working and he may resent that).

wheresthelight · 27/12/2014 09:06

perhaps he is wary as he has got used to you initiating things and as you are no longer doing so he is unsure of how to make the first move?

you both need to talk and find ways of making each other feel wanted and needed rather than resentful I think.

SorchaN · 27/12/2014 20:20

I would miss the intimacy too if it stopped in my relationship. I've read that sometimes men become less affectionate if they're suffering from issues like erectile dysfunction - they don't want to let their partner down by being 'unable to perform' - even though, of course, there are lots of ways for both partners to enjoy sexual contact without an erection. If that's what's going on, maybe you could encourage your partner to see a doctor - there's lots of help available. I hope you manage to sort things out.

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