AIBU about Christmas visiting arrangements?

[forgetmeknot]

Hi all,

I hope you can give me some opinions on this because it has been driving me crazy for a while now.

I am an ex-teacher, now a full-time stay at home Dad, with a gorgeous 7 month old son. My wife (who is also gorgeous) is an accountant.

Every year I dread the organisation of where to spend christmas. My parents live in a different country, requiring a boat or plane journey to get there at a cost of perhaps £100 each return - about a day's travelling) whereas my wife's parents live just down the road, 2mins drive away.

My mum in particular feels like she misses out on getting to know her grandson despite lots of facetime calls etc. and she would love for us all to visit at Christmas.

My wife and my mum don't really get along that well - although they are both pleasant enough to each other... it's not a war or anything!

Whenever I suggest to my wife that we should visit my parents at Christmas, she has various reasons why she can't... She is very active at church at this time and puts on a crib service with Guides (she is a guide leader), so this is a problem. She also says she usually has deadlines with work clients wanting stuff done by Christmas or New Year. She has suggested that my parents could come and visit us instead, but we don't have room to accommodate them and this means my folks would have to buy plane ticket and accommodation which gets expensive. (especially if my sister and her family of 5 want to come too). It is far cheaper for us to go to them as my parents can accommodate us. She has point blank refused to do any kind of arrangement where we did alternating years at her parents, then at mine, because she feels it would be inflexible if we ever wanted to go away on holiday at christmas time, and there would always be the expectation of who would have us each year.

So we always end up with a lovely Christmas at Her parents, but I miss my folks and sister and my nieces and nephews who often do go to my parents for christmas or boxing day. I also feel that my parents are missing out on their grandson at christmas too.

My take on it is this- I think the bottom line is that she just doesn't want to be away from her own family and the Christmas traditions that she likes. Being with my family at christmas time is less within her comfort zone, so she finds ways of avoiding it.

What I want to ask is - Am I being unreasonable to ask her to:

1. consider a year on year off arrangement with each family
2. find a way to get time off work and arrange for someone else to cover her Guiding commitments (as there is another person who could do this at a push)

And thirdly - is it unreasonable for me to feel upset that her parents get to see their grandson regularly - often daily - throughout the year and then have us over for Christmas, but my parents - who might have only seen him once or twice in the year don't get to see him at Christmas because it's 'too difficult to organise at this time of year'.

I'd be grateful if you could let me know your thoughts.

I think it is important to realise that life is unpredictable and seeing your parents is just as important as seeing her parents.

This time last year my lovely MIL had literally just been diagnosed with leukaemia meaning she was quarantined for Christmas day ready for chemo. She died in July. Meaning our last Christmas with her was in 2012 and we didn't know it.

The question I put to people is would you regret not seeing someone before they died? Resentment kills relationships and her constantly dismissing the importance of seeing your family at Christmas is wrong.

No way should you get invested in any sort of cycle, I expect you'll want a few christmas's in your own home without any of the rest of the family around, so I very much agree there should be no

Christmas is also an expensive time to travel, why not just travel more to your parents at a cheaper time, once your DS is weaned you'll be able to go without your DP easily and without forcing her to miss anything or to be pleasant in a place she doesn't particularly want to be.

If the costs are greater for your parents to visit, then pay them as their present surely? Ultimately, unless you settle down where you grew up and marry the girl next door, then there will not be perfect equity in visiting arrangements. My toes curl at some of the cyclical arrangements being suggested on here, they sound so like a trap to me. When your child is older (and maybe you'll have more) the last thing you'll want to do is be carting (and hiding) all the Santa stuff off to somewhere that isn't your own home.
Incidentally, is there anything about the visits to your parents that might be putting her off - having read threads on here this week there are in-laws (and parents) who behave in very strange inhospitable manners when hosting Christmas! Or who comment unhelpful on other's parenting styles etc.
If your wife remains reluctant I imagine it would be much easier to get her to agree, well in advance, to a Christmas in your homeland rather than getting her to agree to a contract of Christmas there every three years or whatever. She might really enjoy it when she has experienced it once!

I think the small department is just an excuse. I'm the only specialist in my office and still manage time off at Christmas.

If she sits down with her partner early in the year and explains she will need to have time off next Christmas then they should be obliged to allow it. Especially if she's worked many Christmases up to now. Things change when you have children. If they value her they will work round this. Plus surely she will get promoted at some point she should be able to commandeer holiday?

Accountancy as a profession has (ime) been very good for working round family commitments, providing you plan and can get your work done.

If she works for a larger firm then this should be ok. Smaller firm maybe not.

Also I like the suggestion that you take dc off for Christmas break whilst she works.

no need to set in stone a regular strangeness..Just give her plenty of notice that Christmas will be with your parents next year....?

strangeness?? I meant arrangement

Work would be the only reasonable excuse for not travelling. Accountancy can be less flexible and difficult around Xmas due to year end processing requirements.

But if she can get out of this for a holiday, she can for your parents too. You seeing your parents at Xmas should be important to her.

My DP work in finances and any time off around this time of year is very very difficult however DP booked it off around 6 months ago and has managed a full week off because of where the weekend lies (although this means him doing a 12 hour day on NYE) so I'm sure she could get a bit of time off if she booked it in advance
I have to say I kind of agree with your wife though, if she has lots of commitments around Christmas time and your in laws don't then it makes much more sense for them to come to you, even if they have to pay for accommodation (although I'm sure you have room for an air bed or something somewhere and they can have your bed?) but if they want to spend Xmas with their grandson then I'm sure they'll pay, you could even pay half the cost for them
I wouldn't be making massive long journeys at Christmas time with a young child either, Christmas morning is a very special moment and I wouldn't have it anywhere but in my own home, so yeah I'm with your wife, they can come to you

yanbu.

I would tackle plans for next christmas now. It doesn't have to be a set-in-stone agreement, but say that next year you would like the family to spend Christmas with your family. It's only fair, as this Christmas has been spent with her family, and she will know not to take on church/work responsibilities.

She is being vvvvv unreasonable expecting to stay at home/ with her family every year - but I have come across people that expect this when they are part of a couple. It's extreme selfishness imo.

Book tickets for next year when cheap in January. If she pulls out then take your son. It sounds like the dislike for your mum leads your DW to not want the stress of it but you cannot just ignore one half of the family in favour of your own, unless there's NC or toxic situations-that's grossly unfair.

You can just arrange each Christmas after the last one - no need for a formal arrangement! So maybe suggest that in January she puts in a holiday form for the festive period so that she can join you and ds at your folks. By 19mo, as he will be next Christmas, it wont be unreasonable to expect ds to not have any breast milk for a few nights.

She is BU to insist you do Christmas at her folks every year.

Next year, Christmas Day is a Friday so that will be a BH. The following Monday will also be a BH in leui of the Boxing Day falling on a Saturday. So if she can get Christmas Eve off, thats five days off with only one as Annual Leave. Plenty of time.

Sibu. I think a loose three year cycle is ideal too. Yanbu to want to spend a Christmas with your own loved ones OP. Your wife is being obstructive and selfish surrounding this reasonable request.
That's not to say I think she's a bad person...but she is wrong about this.

YANBU

I live abroad in my DH's home country. We alternate Christmas between here and the UK. Usually the year we're not in the UK for Christmas we go over the weekend before or for NYE/NYD to have a family get together. (Not this year as we are awaiting dc2 but my parents are coming over next week)

Another one who thinks she is being unfair (and unrealistic).

Could her parents put your parents up? If not, I agree with the idea already suggested of saving up to fly them over and cover the cost of a nice hotel. Not sure if you can/should stretch to include your sister and family too, though.

Thanks everyone.

I was hoping for a loose 3 year cycle. i.e. not set in stone and both sets of in-laws would know this. Just something we bear in mind to try to keep things a bit more equal.

TBH my parents and sister and her family celebrated Christmas on Boxing Day this year as that's how things worked out for them. If it was the year we visited my parents, I would be happy enough with being there for Boxing Day, or even just New Year's Day... but all of these usually turn out to be inconvenient for her one way or another.

Us visiting my folks 'over the festive period' would mean a lot to my parents. I moved to this country to be with my wife, (to clarify, my parents are in the UK, but we are not) and I know that they, particularly my Mum, miss me a lot.

I do get the point of just saying to my parents to come to us when my DW has work commitments, but it seems crackers to be telling all 8 of them (DP and Sister's Family, plus my Grandad who lives near them) to spend all that money coming here plus accommodation, when we could go there for a fraction of the price as there is just the 2 of us plus DS. I think that going there once every 3 years is not unreasonable.

The suggestion of not travelling with 7 month old baby over this period shouldn't really be an issue for us as DS has made trips to UK before. Even staying in a tent at a very large event at the age of 12 weeks. Mum is not afraid of travelling with him!

Your parents should come to you, buy a cheap blow up mattress and put it in the front room/ babies room. If they want to see you they should make the effort.

Wjat about the OP though soon? He wants to go to his family home for christmas to spend some time with the extended family.

This thread would have gone a LOT differently had the OP pretended he was a woman and his other half a man.

I disagree, ThinkIveBeenHacked , I would still stand by my post whatever the OPs gender and the gender of their partner.

I actually completely understand your wife's point of view but I may be slightly biased by my former situation.

My xh was from NI and I was never keen to spend Christmas with the MIL - but then the MIL never exactly made me feel welcome.

In your situation:

1. Your son is very young - at the moment taking him anywhere involves a great deal of planning. It is hard to picture how you will both feel in a years time when he is older but there will still be lots to think about (travel cots, car seat etc) I can understand why she doesn't want to think about this at the moment. If you spend Christmas staying at someone else's house you will have to take all Christmas presents etc. so will have to plan your child's presents around what can be taken on a plane.

2)Your wife is working full time and has a young son - I imagine she would like to make the most of her time off with her family and doesn't particularly want to spend a lot of it travelling at such a busy time of the year with worries about weather and all the planning involved in travelling with children.

3. I personally don't like the idea of having these things set in stone with parents and ILs as you don't know what else will be going on. There should be some room for compromise.

How are you ever going to go away at christmas time if she has to be present for her guiding crib service? So that is a straw man.

I sympathise...
Similar situation with us, only it's my parents who are a long way away (though not in another country) and DH's parents who see our DD at least weekly. Christmas means guests one way or another, or from both directions - for example at this moment, I will have had people staying from the 17th to the 30th (2 back to back visits. I am already going nuts and have basically been in entertainment mode for 2 weeks too long, as well as working until fairly recently). In terms of your wife juggling work and other commitments (like me), long term guests plus Christmas lunch for very large numbers mean the thought of heart sinking because you do not get a great break or time to yourself. It sounds self centred to say that but I am desperate for a bit of breathing space that just involves we 3 and to catch up with the general mess of the house before I have to go back to work. Having lots of guests, however nice, is not a holiday and you will find it unbalances the status quo of an already hyped-up small child, in a year or 2 or 3. This gives an added dimension of shattered parenting and not very predictable behaviour all round that I cannot recommend you put yourself through.

Research well on the web - you may be surprised to find something other than 'normal hotels' that you didn't know about and that are viable options close to you - why not a holiday cottage or lodge for your family? It would give you all some space. Works for us, when we can manage it. And then book early. Discuss budgets etc with your parents also - I try to make a contribution to the accommodation bill if I can.

Added to this, the best of all worlds for me would be to have a Christmas dinner and gifts about a week early just for you and your family (or whenever, or after if you like - combine with NYE perhaps?) and therefore make the 25 December a smaller celebration. Plan it - plan something lovely for the day after too, just a special walk or visit or whatever. It is all the best bits about Boxing Day but with the advantage of most other people not doing their Boxing Day thing at the same time.

I think it should be shared.

If one year you decide to do something else (i.e. go on holiday to/with neither set of parents) then simply stop the rota and restart it the next year.

Or if every year at your parents is too much due to the extra logistics, do two in three at her parents.

Maybe her Guides could do a Christingle or Advent service as a change when she won't be there near to Christmas.