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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my MIL is a controlling cunt?

50 replies

MyGastIsTinselled · 26/12/2014 20:17

MIL hates Christmas, always has. For that alone I want to tell her to fuck off but I bite my tongue. This year she announces that she will not be 'doing' Christmas. BIL still lives at home so I invited him to ours for Christmas Day so that he won't miss out on everything.

Anyway he arrives & all is going well until he announces that he can't be late back as MIL is doing 'festive food'. She then proceeds to ring him up in the middle of the afternoon to find out what time he'll be home.

I'm a bit lot pissed so am probably not explaining this well but AIBU to be pissed off that she suddenly decided to do festive stuff almost in competition with us?

OP posts:

Original poster

MyGastIsTinselled · 26/12/2014 21:26

We've invited them every year for Christmas Day, they've always declined because she hates Christmas. She wasn't alone as PIL was there as well. She even told DH she was pleased he was coming to us so he'd have a Christmas dinner...so why the sudden change of heart?

OP posts:

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 26/12/2014 21:29

She even told DH she was pleased he was coming to us so he'd have a Christmas dinner...so why the sudden change of heart?

Well then it sounds like she didnt have a problem with him going to yours. Perhaps she thought you would be eating earlier than you did and planned a bit of a supper for him but then was surprised when he wasnt home so called him. I really dont think he deserves to be called a controlling cunt based on what youve said.

Fabulous46 · 26/12/2014 21:35

Your MIL doesn't like Christmas and there's probably a reason why she doesn't.

I think it's awful you call her a cunt, I really do. Why would you call someone that because she doesn't enjoy Christmas?

Why can't you just accept the woman doesn't enjoy it ? I have friends and family who despise Christmas but I don't judge them for it or call them cunts. YABVU.

Ohmygrood · 26/12/2014 21:37

Oh okay sorry i didnt see that -( mning on the iphone with no glasses on) so she was invited and declined and was with PIL, who also chose to stay at home.

AgentZigzag · 26/12/2014 21:38

'Why would you call someone that because she doesn't enjoy Christmas?'

Maybe you've deliberately missed the point of the thread if you're asking that?

raltheraffe · 26/12/2014 21:40

OP this year I have had a few grumps to DH and happily dismantled our horrible tacky plastic tree today and threw it in bin bags.

Yesterday just kept a smile on my face but retreated to my office twice as all the noise was upsetting me and making me anxious.

Today I am just so happy it is over for a year.

Did not complain once around ds. I think Christmas is mainly for children and I did not want to put the dampeners on his big day.

LovleyRitaMeterMaid · 26/12/2014 21:40

Meh

I think it sounds like you have been waiting for a chance to take offence over the issue.

I don't see the big deal. And you aren't making sense.

Fabulous46 · 26/12/2014 21:44

*Why would you call someone that because she doesn't enjoy Christmas?'

Maybe you've deliberately missed the point of the thread if you're asking that?*

Or perhaps the OP has completely missed WHY her MIL hates Christmas?

Original poster

MyGastIsTinselled · 26/12/2014 21:46

Ok so I shouldn't have called her a cunt, I was more drunk & angry when I started this thread.

I always have a reason to be pissed off with the PILs, as honestly I've never met such a joyless couple as them, but this has really pissed me off as I take their refusal to partake of Christmas as a slight on my boys (irrational maybe, but that's honestly how I feel).

OP posts:

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 26/12/2014 21:50

I think if you are always pissed off at them and they are joyless then you need to make a conscious decision to detach from them. Otherwise you will always find a reason to annoy yourself and it is pointless. You are only pissing yourself off. It doesnt improve their behaviour or temperaments by you being pissed off, does it? There is no benefit to it. So decide that they are who they are, theres nothing you can do to change them so detach and get on with doing what you enjoy doing. Really, you will feel far happier in general.

Original poster

MyGastIsTinselled · 26/12/2014 21:54

I'm trying to, but unfortunately they live 5 minutes up the road from us & ring at least once a day every day. There's no escaping them. I've tried explaining how I feel to DH but he can't see there's anything wrong with their behaviour.

OP posts:

Fabulous46 · 26/12/2014 22:00

I take their refusal to partake of Christmas as a slight on my boys

It's not a slight on your boys though, it's nothing personal. It's just your MIL doesn't like Christmas. My PIL don't celebrate Christmas however it was never a slight on my children, it's just how they are. It's never affected my children. Not everyone likes Christmas for a multitude of reasons and you need to accept that.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 26/12/2014 22:00

I regularly dont answer my phone sometimes it might be on silent at a time when i think someone might call, or i leave it upstairs. It is totally fine to not answer your phone.

Seriously though, DH mightnt see a problem but you do, so do what you need to do to be less affected by them.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/12/2014 22:12

I really dislike the way you post about your MIL. If I was your husband and you said that in front of me I would put you straight in no uncertain terms.

Ok, so your MIL has a difficult time at Christmas. I can understand that. It isn't/wasn't a happy time for many people and unless you've been through that yourself, you won't know.

Have you asked your husband what his Christmases were like growing up? It may be that you can gain some insights into your MIL's 'Christmas world', that's if you're sufficiently interested to see out of your own bubble.

I'd be fuming with you actually, that you see MIL's difficulty with Christmas as a slight to your precious boys... they're also your husband's boys and he doesn't have an issue in the same way that you do. Does your MIL ignore her grandchildren or not bother with them? You haven't mentioned that so presumably she does.

I'm wondering if, at the bottom of all this, is the fact that your MIL recognises your dislike and wants to stay away from you. All credit to her that she's not even trying to persuade your husband to spend Christmas with her.

You sound extremely rude and dismissive where she's concerned and yes, it was up to your BIL to say that he'd be back at x-time and not before. But again, your blame it on your MIL.

I'd suggest some quiet introspection and perhaps some sympathy if you can't manage empathy; your husband must have had difficult Christmas experiences growing up too... but I doubt you'll see beyond your own entitlement and venom towards her. How sad.

usefully · 26/12/2014 22:17

It's not always about you (or your boys) OP.

MidniteScribbler · 26/12/2014 22:19

Or maybe MIL just thinks it is a good excuse not to spend Christmas day with her angry, drunk DIL who makes it very clear that she doesn't like her, and thinks that everything should revolve around her and her precious children.

Moresproutsplease · 26/12/2014 22:23

Well said LyingWitch, excellent post.

Yabvvu OP.

foslady · 26/12/2014 22:33

Lyingwitch, thank you for saying what I couldn't put into words.

Maybe she felt guilted into doing something by her DIL that she really struggles with.
Maybe BIL also struggles with Christmas and her call was a way of him being able to escape you.

FWIW, I struggle with Christmas, and it's really difficult when you have to put up with someone being Christmas dictator - I don't want someone having a go at me because I don't want to join in their singalong/hear every tiny detail of how they will to celebrating the day/put my decorations up in November....

Original poster

MyGastIsTinselled · 26/12/2014 22:42

I have never said anything about her lack of festive spirit, I have never attempted to guilt her into doing anything. We invited BIL as I didn't see he should miss out on Christmas because of his parents attitude, if he didn't want to come he didn't have to.

As stated previously, I have had difficult Christmases, I understand. But I don't feel the need to go on & on about it the way she does.

My husband understands why I feel the way I do, he doesn't think it's a deliberate slight on her part, but he DOES understand how it can be interpreted the way I see it.

So before I get shot down in flames as a drunken bitch please bear it in mind that I've already accepted I shouldn't have called her names.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/12/2014 22:52

You really shouldn't have posted any of it, OP. I'm assuming you're not really an obnoxious woman but that is how you've come across and you're still doing it. If you have any respect for your husband (as you clearly don't for your MIL) then please stop. You're the one going on and on.

I wouldn't tolerate this from you for a minute; don't think that your husband doesn't have his own thoughts on your deplorable attitude to his mother and brother.

====

YW foslady, Christmas is a difficult time for many and I think your point about an escape for BIL is very likely. I imagine he wanted to see his brother and nieces/nephews at Christmas.

drudgetrudy · 26/12/2014 22:55

OP-you are way OTT-all she did was ring her son to inquire what time he was going home-is that perticularly controlling. He may actually have wanted to go home.

Original poster

MyGastIsTinselled · 26/12/2014 23:09

Ok I accept that on the face of it IABU however, please accept that this is not an isolated incident, there have been years of problems between me, DH & PIL and my frustration overtook me today.

I accept I'm at fault too, I have my own issues & problems which I'm trying to address, but DH never accepts that his parents are anything less than perfect, so any problems automatically become my fault.

I'm going to bed now so won't post on here again tonight and I think I'll just hope this thread slinks off & dies somewhere quietly now.

OP posts:

ladymariner · 29/12/2014 00:44

Well said, Lying. I agree with everything you have posted here.

mrsfuzzy · 29/12/2014 00:48

we don't celebrat e christmas as we are pagans so stop having a go at everyone who 'doesn't do' christmas, but your mil does sound a bit of an awkward one, buthaving said that dbil needs to man up a bit and stick to his arrangements not switch and change because he gets another offer. really not on.

SolidGoldBrass · 29/12/2014 01:05

Sounds to me as though the PIL are the sort of people who suck the joy out of everything, in which case it's not surprising OP is fed up with them. Are they the sort who 'hate fuss' and go on and on about how they don't want to celebrate their birthdays, for instance, and then sulk if everyone takes them at their word? Are they (like some MNers) people who have to interrupt everyone else's good time to weep and wail about either their own ill health or the fact that some celebrity's just got cancer of the ringpiece? Or who mention the starving babies in Africa any time your DC ask for a biscuit?

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