to ask you all for urgent dating help?! I have maybe 20 mins!

[AFool]

Yep - help!! Have name changed for this. Cba with the usual list of proof topics.

Salient points:

• I am 2000% in love with this guy. We were together for 18months but the time just wasn't right for us. We've had a couple of dates since but nothing major. He has been very clear that he's not ready to get back together yet but still seems to be very keen on me.

So, my question is - how do I play it? What do men find irresistible???

Don't be over keen, simple as that. He'll run a mile if he thinks you're eyeing him up as potential father material, etc.

Don't be irresistible. He doesn't want a relationship so don't try and force it. However if you're up for a bit of fun tonight wink wink show some leg

Sounds like a mindfuck and you need to seriously think if you can get into this with him knowing his feelings are very different to yours.

Don't be interested in him, keep looking at your phone. Basically start being a player

And then actually dump his arse cause he sounds hard work

You treat it for what it is - a good night out. Keep your cards close to your chest and don't let your defences down.

I'm gleaning from your post he's fully aware of your feelings about him so there's no need to clarify it again and boost his ego.

Fuck knows what he finds irresistible but that's not the mind set you need. You need to be the one whose standards need to be met. That goes for most things in life. Stop thinking about why people should like you and start thinking why you should like them.

But full circle and back to my original point just have a good time. If it starts feeling like hard work or no fun then you need to change the tone or leave.

We both already have children.

Our relationship was very serious before (thinking marriage, etc.) but he has been very clear that he has things to sort out before we can go back to that. Degree, exams, jobs, etc.

I guess I just want to keep him interested......

All men are different and find different things irresistible. Be who you are, if he doesn't find you irresistible he's wrong for you.

If he's still not "ready", drop him and cut all contact. You will find someone who is seriously interested in you and in a relationship, and it won't be complicated.

Just asked DH. He says it sounds like he may be building you up to be his 'reserve' girlfriend, so don't be too keen or flirty. Just act like a friend and have a nice chat, then go home alone at a reasonable time.

Thank you Cornetto :) Good advice. I will keep it in mind.

We'll have an amazing time, we always do, I just suffer afterwards because I want it to be like it was, not how it is. I think perspective may be key to that.

Oh, and I'm wearing short tweed skirt, shirt, jumper, tweed jacket, knee high leather boots (no heels) and sparkly earrings. I like to think that I look understated but sexy...?!

Tbh i'd forget about him. Hes not where you are and might never be. Hes basically saying, "i want flexible sex when i want it but without having to commit to you or invest emotionally." And then when you want more he'll say "hey, i told you how it was"

You will get hurt.

If he's not ready to resume your relationship, why are you two having a date tonight?

I guess I just want to keep him interested......

Then be an interesting person by living an interesting life. That includes dating others and not having time to worry about waiting for this knob to sort himself out, in the hopes that he'll still want you when he does. Ick.

Sorry, he might be the greatest guy in the world and perfect for you, but not until he steps up and proves it to you.

Thank you Fernie :) Can your DH be on hand for advice all evening?! Lol

Right, he's here, have to go.........eeeek

I'll get pilloried for this, but I've always felt this book was over-mocked and underrated. It is exactly the kind of book that needs to be read by women who write "I guess I just want to keep him interested......" If you can gloss over the flowery, cheerleader language and focus on the core advice in the book, then follow it, it will go a long way to helping shift your mindset ever-so-slightly to the point where you're saying "I'm just not that interested."

The Rules, from 1995

or this new one they have out

New book of Modern Rules, including text rules yadda yadda

Even if just a bit of it rubs off on you (and countless other women), it will help. Enjoy your evening.

I havent read either book sprink but i agree with you. When you look at this from an outsider's perspective we basically have a woman fretting over getting and holding the attention of a man who very obviously isnt interested in a relationship with her and has told her exactly that. It creates an urge to want to shake OP and tell her to catch a grip of herself and reclaim her self respect.

Just be yourself. be friendly, warm, cheerful, fun. show interest in what he has to say but keep it on a friendly basis but nothing more for now

If he's keeping you 'in reserve' until he's done other things he wants to do with his life first, he's not interested enough. Maintain a friendship, but don't expect anything else right now or cling to the hope of there being anything happening in the future.

It's not your responsibility to keep a man interested. If he's interested, then he's interested, and it's not because of any tricks you've employed or games you've played.

Will he change his mind in the future? Who knows. But please don't waste time or energy trying to encourage his feelings in a certain direction.

I've been there OP and I wouldn't go on a date with this guy. He's either interested only in being friends because he knows he hurt you and feels guilty or he is after no strings sex.

With the guy I had been seeing (many years ago now) I cancelled a lunchtime meet up we'd arranged and cut all contact. He'd told me he wasn't interested in having kids or marriage, both of which I wanted, so why would I waste my time? I found out years later he had met someone, moved hundreds of miles to be with her, married her and they had three kids. He just wasn't that into me!