I have ruined christmas :(

[startrek90]

I am so ashamed of myself :(

I have a 12 week old DS and I have ruined his xmas. I just can't seem to be happy about anything and I am so exhausted all the time. I just feel so blank. Worst of all was yesterday at my lovely PiL I was so tired. Ds was screaming for fod and all I could do was cry in the spare room.

My lovely DH did his best but I ruined it for everyone :( I don't know how to make amends. TBH I think my family would be happier without me there.

Just put this here to vent and get a (well deserved) ticking off.

Firstly you can't ruin Christmas for a 12 week old baby - he won't know it's Christmas anyway
Secondly if my DS ever visits me at Christmas with a baby grandchild I would be over the moon, even if baby does cry because it's hungry (like babies tend to do!) I bet you all made their Christmas, though they might be a bit concerned for you

Because most importantly you do sound very down, and struggling. I have felt a little like this too (when ds was a baby) I think you need some more support. Hopefully your supportive DH will be able to help you seek this out.
I think a visit to the doctor is essential to find your way forwards through these feelings, and challenging days with your young baby.
Christmas on top of all the usual daily challenges can feel a lot to cope with can't it? Just let it all go on around you, it will blow over (like a storm) soon enough x

I agree with everyone op. This sounds very normal. And very familiar. None of the first time mum's I know enjoyed Christmas with a new baby whether they were depressed or not. Your only job right now is to chill out so don't stress about other people's feelings. Just tell people how you feel. And talk to your hv or gp.

Poor you. I'd say without doubt you have pnd.
But also, my ds is 16mo and last xmas when he was your ds age was the hardest few weeks of his whole life so far!
My ds had a massive 3mo sleep regression and became way too alert and nosy to settle into a proper bf. It was hellish :(
But, by the end of jan things were much much better and have just got better ever since.
Hang on in there with your ds and get some help for yourself and your negative thoughts about yourself.

My Mum has warned me this is likely to happen when bump arrives. It'll be wailing with me and magically settle as soon as she has or my DF pick them up. It's a combination of their experience and your stress. Your DS definitely does not hate you. He still thinks he's part of you. Go to your GP in the New a year. Be honest with them re your thoughts and feelings (maybe keep a feelings diary between now and then).

Where do you live? I'm sure someone on here can help you find help.

You haven't ruined christmas - and you especially haven't ruined your DS's christmas. At 12 weeks old, he doesn't care what season it is.

You have created a WHOLE NEW HUMAN BEING out of your OWN BODY, and you are still expected to feel him out of your own body! On top of the exhausting and physically draining business of giving birth, plus all those night feeds - of course you are exhausted. In any other profession other than "being a new mother", this kind of extended stress wouldn't be permitted!

Your baby doesn't hate you - quite the opposite, if he's picking up on your distress. Please accept any help that is offered, including getting someone else to do the night feeds (which doesn't mean you have to stop BFing - mine mixed-fed happily and it never put him off BFing, greedy little so0and-so that he was).

Dear startrek, be kind to yourself, and allow other people to be kind to you, too. You are having a terrible time which is not your fault, and it won't last forever.

Agree with everything written here. You have not done anything wrong. You MUST see a health professional as soon as you can. As others have said it is very likely that you have post natal depression. It is not you're fault that you are feeling this way. It is an illness that needs treating. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Either with medication or therapy or both. It is important that you get medical help as soon as you can.

OP you need to cut yourself some slack: you are being awfully hard on yourself. I sounds like you need more support & sleep. I have a newborn too & I haven'y lifted a finger to help (not because I didn't want to, but looking after DD is constant). By the time bedtime feed was done, I'd missed all the clear up (and felt very bad), not to mention virtually all of the meal! So rest assured you aren't the only one.Virtual hug from me.

Oh my days, you can't see the wood for the trees at the moment but I've been there and you've done nothing wrong.

1. 12 weeks is exactly the time when I was having a bit of a breakdown, all sleep banks totally empty and everything too much. It's not your fault.

1. Your baby doesn't hate you, he's just picking up on your stress, heartbeat etc. give a baby to a calm person and they calm themselves. Not your fault.

1. You can't ruin a 12 wo Christmas. They have no concept.

1. I'm totally sure that all your family can see what you're going through and understand. It's tough!

Huge sympathy StarTrek. I have a 5 week old and it is exhausting. I think we are given totally unrealistic messages about new motherhood. There might be some women who look beatific in perfect hair and makeup, rustling up dinner for fifteen in front of their Kirstie Allsopp handcrafted decorations, but the majority of us are sitting in milk stained PJs with unbrushed hair feeling like we've been hit over the head with a puking, poo-ing car alarm. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that you're finding it hard. Nobody will think less of you.

Also, babies often won't settle on their mother - they know you are safe and they can be as fussy as they like without fear of rejection, and if you're BFing they can smell milk and think a snack would be nicer than a snooze. I know, really I do, how galling it is to pass your howling, squirming, purple ball of fury to another adult and watch them transform into a peaceful angelic Cow & Gate model, but it's not rejection or dislike, it's that they trust the other person less.

I also remember DS being at his most difficult around the 12 week mark.
He was beginning to teeth (yes, his first tooth came early), changing his sleep and feeding patterns, so we were BOTH adjusting.
I remember this time when I was so desperate that I just put DS on my bed and left him for about 5 min to calm down.

In addition to the likely PND, your feelings of inedequacy will only make it worse. Rest assured that you are just a normal mom.

Couldn't your DS take him out just after he's ahad a feed and you go and have a realaxing bath and a sleep?
I don't thgink you necessarily have PND,you might be just exhausted

How could you have spoiled christmas? You brought a new son/grandson into this world just 12 weeks ago. You are marvellous.

But you are very tired, sleep depravation is awful, it's very hard but please turn a blind eye to cleaning, cooking, ironing etc. Try to rest whenever DS rests, I found that helped. You and he need the same amount of sleep currently, that will change over time, but go with the flow now.

As others say, get yourself to your GP, you may have a bit of PND, best to be treat ASAP.....damn hormones.

Next year your little one will be toddling around, (unless he was like my youngest and lazy and very heavy to carry round at 16 months when he wouldn't be arsed to learn to walk!) this blank feeling will be a dim memory.

And massive hugs for you xx

I've just read your second post, honey get some help, you need a little helping hand.

As for being normal with your mum, don't even try to bother doing that! She'll know and let her help you, it's absolutely fine to collapse sobbing into her arms and her wait on you hand and foot. She's your mum, she's been there, she'll want to help!

I also remember those feelings that baby hated me......he didn't of course but the feelings seemed so real back then.

Don't pretend to be 'normal' for your Mom, let her help you and get you help.

You have post natal depression. It is normal. There are thousands of women who feel the same

You are not inadequate. Your life is different, physically you are different. In trying to adapt to the change your hormones are making the world seem dark.

The world is not dark. And to your son, you are the world.

Please see a doctor - asap. Tell your DH to take you asap.

You poor thing. My DS was 6 weeks old on his first Xmas, I was exactly the same. I didn't even eat my dinner and just went to bed. It's utterly exhausting and I know exactly what you mean by 'blank'- it's like you are too worn out to think or talk. Rest up and as everyone has said consider visiting your GP , in case you are starting with PND.

Xxx Merry Xmas and congrats on your new baby xxxx

Agree baby was just picking up on your stress.

Please try and speak to a HCP when you come to see your mum, if not before then.

How are you feeling today?

Go to your doctor now! Sounds like u have pnd, the sooner you get help the sooner you can enjoy your lovely family

A year ago I could have written ypur op. Believe me your son doesn't hate you at all. Please, please speak to a midwife or Dr. I was diagnosed with pnd just after Christmas. As soon as I spoke to my health visitor I got so much help and support. The fog lifted. This year my Ds is 14 months and it has been the best Christmas of my life. Do not blame yourself, you're doing nothing wrong.

I have a 4 month old, and on Christmas Day both he and I fell asleep in the Play Room at my in-laws' house, and missed dinner (well, obviously he wasn't having dinner!). I slept for 3 hours, missed dinner and the clear-up, and felt a bit bad. But once I got a bit more sleep and talked to DH, I realised nobody minded!

Yesterday DS screamed from about 3pm onwards. I don't think he hates me; I think he's teething and tired of all the fuss and fed up being dragged in and out of cars... And that's ok! As far as he's concerned, it's not Christmas, it's not a special day, and all this bother is really a bit of an annoyance.

You sound lovely, but tired. Can you take a few days with DH and baby, just stay at home, snuggle, and take it easy? You will get through this - the newborn phase passes, like all others. Give baby the gift of a well-rested (or vaguely rested; let's not be too ambitious!) Mummy and lots of cuddles, and it will be the best Christmas ever!

I agree with those say you should see your doctor and tell your mum. I've had depression for years, but it never feels like depression; it feels like failure. The first time I went to my GP and blurted it all out, and she then just took a deep breath said "ok", it was such a relief.

BTW, if you're worried about medication while breastfeeding, don't be - there are options.

Do you want to say which country you're in, OP? I am sure the knowledgeable mners can help you find some support. You sound like you need it!

Please believe me when I say I was in exactly the same situation when my DS was that age. I was totally sleep deprived, had Pnd and also had some hideous virus. It was absolutely hellish. You have not ruined Christmas, you are clearly in a very testing situation, a new baby, little sleep and the pressure to be all jolly and festive. I promise you it will get better.

Looking back the newborn stage (which I hated) does pass very quickly. It will get better OP.

WhyNotSmile you hit the nail on the head for me, it does feel like failure.

Sorry I mean Dd! No idea why it came out as DS!

You are wonderful, you have brought new life into the world, it's bloody hard work and you have to remember to take care of yourself. Try to nap when the baby does, drink plenty of water, stick to fruit, veg good protein and keep off refined carbs and sweet stuff. Take a multi vitamin, get out in the fresh air,bugger the housework or get your other half to do it. At 12 weeks its all going on wit the baby - colic, teeth coming. I agree with the wise ones above that you may have PND. That's just chemical, nothing to do with you as a person, nothing to feel guilty or inadequate about It impacts your decision making, mood, libido, confidence, everything. But it is just chemical. Medication can get you back in balance. Good luck, it really will be fine.