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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about Xmas Day

40 replies

Updownandaway · 26/12/2014 09:15

AIBU - prepped for a good 2 weeks what we thought was a lovely family lunch and day for family. One member arrived yesterday, didn't say Merry Xmas on arrival, spoke in harsh manner, when I approached, and said Welcome, Merry Xmas, what can I get you to drink? Grunted that we didn't have anything they wanted to drink! Found something wrong with the presents I bought for the family and although didn't direct comments (of bad present choices) at me, made sure I could hear. Didn't say any other words to me or partner at all the entire day, no thank you, no offer of help to clear or wash up and sat on my sofa eating food and drinking drink (found more than a few alcoholic drinks they would drink in the end) and left without saying a word.
AIBU to be hurt, cross and angry that I spent time and effort on this person? My partner says I should get over myself and not let it bother me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Updownandaway · 26/12/2014 11:43

It's not MIL actually - luckily she is v nice, thank god!

OP posts:
Kundry · 26/12/2014 15:41

I don't think your DH is stronger than you - he's just had many many years of being taught that this behaviour is normal and being indoctrinated that normal social rules don't apply to this relative. So walking on eggshells, ignoring rude behaviour, thinking if they are upset it's anyone's fault but theirs are normal to him.

While he says 'why let them ruin your day', he is perfectly happy for your day to be ruined. He has been taught that this family member's wishes trump everyone elses and so frankly finds you a bit odd for not realising this too and being happy to have a shit Christmas.

You might find Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward helpful.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2014 16:20

It does not matter who he is, he is rude, impolite and bad mannered, my DH would have to not invite him or I would be staying elsewhere with the dcs.

Chottie · 26/12/2014 16:24

I think someone else in the family should invite this person next year - only fair to share the joy Xmas Smile

HexBramble · 26/12/2014 16:30

OP I disagree that your DH is stronger than you - he is clearly afraid of rocking the family boat and finds it easier to let you be hurt by this rude relative.

Original poster
Updownandaway · 26/12/2014 20:48

You are right Hex that he def doesn't want the boat to be rocked as sensitive situations within the family right now, and everyone needs to pull together! I just can't take anymore of this particular persons behaviour and yesterday was the last straw. I would just like to keep out of this persons way now and have made that clear to husband, which in theory he is ok with, but it will be noted very quickly (by his wider family) and then by default of regularly not turning up for events I will be the one tarred with the brush of being difficult and not joining in, these situations are just lose / lose !

OP posts:
ohlittlepea · 26/12/2014 21:14

How horrible for you, I'd already expect my husband to encourage the guest to say thank you, perhaps he could say 'look....you gave dw a really hard time on Christmas, please send her some flowers and apologise.'

PerpendicularVincenzo · 26/12/2014 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 27/12/2014 02:01

If this particular rude person cannot be avoided and they have to be invited to yours for Christmas next year then I suggest a dose of their own medicine.

Don't greet them when they arrive. Tell them to what there is to eat/drink and to help themselves. Have as little to do with them as possible whilst they are there.

Yes maybe they have got shit going on but that's not an excuse to be rude to someone whose gone to a lot of time and effort to make sure they have a nice time.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 27/12/2014 02:06

They sound passive aggressive.

hehehahahoho · 27/12/2014 02:08

I agree with PP, just ignore him and don't give him any headspace. I had the same opinion of my FIL but 'had' to put up with him otherwise he took it out on my poor kind MIL. I just ignored him as much as possible without being rude. I did it for my DH and my MIL. He is dead now so it's not an issue.

Original poster
Updownandaway · 27/12/2014 11:51

And this is what my husband is telling me to do hehehaha, but I really struggle to rise above the indirect snide comments, and actually whenever this family member is in our company they always ignore us but chat to the rest of the family like there is nothing wrong! Very deliberately making a point, I am surprised that no one else in the family has ever mentioned it, bit like I said before lots of family things going on that require everyone to keep the family peace!

OP posts:
Original poster
Updownandaway · 27/12/2014 11:51

but

OP posts:
hehehahahoho · 27/12/2014 14:31

That does sound really awful. Sad. At least my horrible FIL was horrible to everyone rather than it being directed at me. Your partner doesn't sound very supportive.
Can you book a holiday away for next xmas?

biggles50 · 27/12/2014 19:40

Your choices are to put up with it and ignore the childish behaviour or to confront it. Could you email or ring the relative? You don't have to be accusatory but concerned. Say you fear they didn't enjoy xmas day because they were clearly disappointed with the presents for which you're sorry. Also they barely said a word to you and if there is something you can do to help you then please ask. You want to have him wriggling like a worm on a twig. To make them cringe and feel stupid. That's what I would do and you've nothing to lose.

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